Changes

 

Recently my would've been 7th anniversary passed by. 7 years from my wedding on that popular date of 07-07-07. Has it really been that long?  In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, in others almost as if it were last week. So much has changed. Change. It's always been a four letter word to me. Something that I typically dread, but an inevitable entity. I like things to all be neatly wrapped and defined. I want to see all the ins and outs and know the end goal and that it's achievable. That gives me comfort and the motivation to try. I avoid sticking my feet into murky waters when I can stay safely on the shore while watching others swim.

But that's not how life is, is it? There are not many things that are clear and defined. Certainly not where people are involved. People are eager but fickle, loving but hurtful, always changing and growing. Sometimes that growing brings us closer and sometimes it pulls us apart. What would I tell that girl about to walk down the aisle 7 years ago? Don't do it? Give yourself more time to get to know YOU? Damn, the paycheck changes when switching taxes back to single is fucking killer? I probably wouldn't tell her anything. She didn't choose wrong. She chose to go down a path that worked for that particular time in her life.

Everything makes me who I am now. The good and bad experiences and memories, the lessons learned. Sometimes I like that person and sometimes I don't. There are times I wonder if my life would've been a whole lot easier if I stayed on a traditional path. I'm approaching my 29th birthday soon. Then next year will be 30. That dreaded year of reflection and what if's. Would I be happy if I'd stayed a good Mormon girl and been a wife and mother? If I'd followed the overwhelming local culture and done what was wanted and accepted? Ugh, kids. At least I've done one thing right.

Now I find myself in relationships that are much more complicated than I'd ever dealt with in that long ago vanilla life. I question my place in them more often. The secrecy remains one of the most difficult parts about polyamory. I'm not quite as dramatic as the "shout it from the rooftops" types, but it's hard to not be able to share with others in your life about someone you love so much. Secrets and lies because it's not conventional or accepted. That part doesn't get any easier. 

On the plus side, my relationships have different rewards. I am far from perfect, but the nature of things has made me learn to be much better at communicating. My personality is the type to hold things in and I don't think I do that as much anymore. I can't or I would eventually implode and take those around me down with me. I realize now more than ever before that I find a lot of joy in caring for others and making my partner happy. Not too long ago, a friend said that I'm someone who knows what she wants. I don't always agree, but I think I'm getting better at it.

Do I know what I want? That really depends on context. In short term immediate goals, sure. I'm a spanko. I want a spanking. See, that was easy. In the scene I still feel that I don't have a firm place. I love my spanko friends and I wish I was closer to all of them. I'm glad we have technology at our fingertips that makes it easier to stay in touch and biannual spanking weekends for in person contact. Locally, still a question mark. I've been fairly active in my local community for a few years now. I served on the board of a group for a whole year. I go to various munches and parties and gatherings. Sometimes I feel like the more involved I try to be, the more disconnected I feel.

I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's seeing what I perceive as such close friendships and relationships and not feeling like I have that here. I'm kind of a loner and an introverted personality to begin with.  It feels like an unreachable bond when being around those who have built that up with each other for years and years. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions. Instead of wondering "why don't I fit in?" or "How can I belong like that person?", I should ask "How can I show others how awesome I am so that they don't miss out?" If I keep thinking that then it could become true, right?  Sometimes things hit me, like this passing anniversary date, and I needed a chance to think and cry and write and mourn what I thought my life would be. I know I do have love in my life. I know that I have friendships, albeit many long distance. I am grateful for that and for all those who have stuck by me through the changes. <3