Thursday, August 4, 2011

Bears And Tops- Brothers From Another Mother?

I can already feel that grave getting deeper, but I will continue on for the sake of my readers. I'd hate to deprive you of my humorous post, even if it comes at the risk of my backside. So noble of me, I know.

Today's topic is the similarities between tops and bears. Now stay with me here. A conversation about bear safety made me realize that there are a lot of similarities between a bear encounter and a top encounter. Intrigued? Please read on.

First of all, don't be fooled by the cute ones. A bear is a bear and can be very dangerous. One should always approach with extreme caution. The one on the left, it looks like it might be nice, right? One wrong move and you won't be thinking that for long.

Here are some facts about bears:
-The sound made by a bear is referred to as a growl. Who hasn't heard a top growl?
- Many of the species hibernate for 3-5 months. Tops like their rest. Ever wake one up unexpectedly? CRANKY.
- Territory marked by clawing, biting, and rubbing trees. There's nothing about smacking in there, but close enough.
-Size can be between 5 and 7 feet. I've yet to meet a 7 footer. Think Yao Ming is a spanko?
-Bears hear very well. Ever mutter around a top? They always hear you.

At all times:

- Remain a respectful distance from the bear. Everyone likes their personal space.
- Stay in your vehicle! Your best shot is a getaway car, don't let yourself be cornered!

If the bear retreats or seems to ignore you:

- Take pictures, watch for a few moments, and then move on. I don't even know what to say to that... Lol.
- Never feed a bear. Once you provide them with beer and Oreos, you'll never be rid of them.
- If the bear approaches your vehicle, leave immediately. 'Nuff said.

Here are some general safety tips.

- Stay alert. Keep an eye out for bears so you can give them plenty of room. Look for recent bear signs such as tracks, fresh diggings, or tree scratches. If there are loose switches lying around, be especially cautious.
- Travel in groups. Bottoms should always stick together!
- Choose routes with good visibility when possible. Never let a top sneak up on you.
- Make noise when approaching, such as loud talking or singing. Who doesn't like being serenaded? If a bear hears you coming it will probably leave the area. I'm not so sure about that.
- If you encounter a bear, remain calm and avoid sudden movements. That could prove difficult.
- Throw something onto the ground, like your camera, if a bear pursues you. It may be distracted by this and allow you to escape. Create a distraction, got it!
- Never run from a bear! They will chase you and can run faster than 30 mph. They always catch you in the end. Resistance is futile, but we still try.
- Play dead! Some tops don't like the lack of reaction.
- Once the bear backs off, stay quiet and still for as long as you can. Bears will often watch from a distance and come back if they see movement. Me, quiet? No can do.

If all else fails, carry some of this and never get within arm's reach!


findingsara said...

Very cute...and frighteningly true!


Meow said...

We live in bear country, too and this is so true and so hilarious! Lash wants to change his avatar and I keep telling him to be a bear! Thanks for a great post!

Lash said...



Ursus Lewis said...


Marne said...

Your post sounds like "bear bells" to me, Lea! The bells are supposed to alert the bear to an approach. You've definitely alerted Ursus Americanus (your top picture) and Ursus Swiss (your Top)!

Lea said...

@findingsara, I know, right?

@Meow, sounds like a good suggestion!

@Lash, Lol, thanks for stopping by!

@Urs, just a "hmmm"?

@Marne, Haha I think his "hmmm" was a bit ominous. What do you think?

kiwigirliegirl said...

great post Lea - in my head i replaced the bear with a lion my HOH is a leo and its oh so true - well not this week but has been - hopefully will be again :) xxx

Dioneo said...

So witty, Lea! You're absolutely right about the comparison. So whenever a spanker calls you "honey," you know just what he's thinking. ;)

Lea said...

@kiwigirliegirl, thanks! I hope it will be again for you too.

@Dioneo, absolutely. Everything has a double meaning around here.

wordsmith said...

If a girl throws yet another camera at me I'm really going to get snappy :P

Candy said...

This was really funny! Love the comparison... especially since I always think of Him as growling. Sometimes it's such a lovely growl, but other times... er not so much!

joeyred51 said...

Funny post Lea and very true.

sarah thorne said...

Hmmmm......very good comparisons there! We should all heed the advice! I mean, have you ever seen the size of a bear's paw??


Olivia said...

LOL. Brilliant. Great post!


Kathy said...

HAHAHAHA! Lea, you rock! I can't be quiet, or still , either, for that matter. Being still just makes us easier to catch!

Lea said...

@wordsmith, happens to you a lot, does it?

@Candy, thanks for reading! It can be a nice growl, but usually not.

@joey, thanks!

@sarah thorne, I get the feeling I may see one up close soon enough. :-/

@Olivia, thanks! I always ask myself "Is what I want to say worth the cost of saying it?" And here it totally is. I may recant that in about 40 days though, lol.

@Kathy, Yeah I'm not totally sold on the playing dead thing, seems it'd make an easier target.

eileen061209 said...

Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope with us once again, lea. The similarities, examples and resources you offer in your post are critical for the safe, sane and consensual survival of all bottoms in the wild.

My own experience has taught me that the bear will, on occasion, utilize wolf's clothing as camouflage...a clever ploy. But as a brand-spanking-new newbie, in the presence of many bottoms, it's true I made a thoughtless remark within earshot of a Top [whose piercing eyes I did not notice until the last word left my mouth] that earned my introduction to the FES. I think it had something to do about a piece of cake.

Lea said...

@eileen, They can be very tricky indeed. Perhaps I should add the tag of "scene safety" to this post so all innocent bottoms are warned!

ronnie said...

Great comparison Lea, very good post.


Lea said...

@ronnie, thanks for stopping by!

Ursus Lewis said...

Dear Lea,

Did you ever ask Rayne what happened to her after she compared tops with bears?

Just warnin'
Mr. Lewis

Lea said...

@Urs, No I haven't. Why do I get the feeling I already know the answer?

Limomangus said...

Very good lea ,it is cute and the beer and oreos ,nice touch even thought I like my oreos with a white russian .Yes by all means beware of the bears and tops .....Limomangus

Lea said...

@Limomangus, I always have safety in mind. :-) Thanks for stopping by!