How To Survive The Community As A Kinky Shy Introvert

I wrote this on Fetlife a few days ago and it's had an overwhelming response after making the Kinky & Popular list. I wanted to share it here as well since some of my blog readers don't frequent Fetlife.

1. You may not want to do it, but do it anyway.

I don't have any secrets or shortcuts to making things easy. It's not easy. Some days it's really fucking hard. Not all introverted people are shy. And not all shy people are introverts. However, I am both. I just won the weirdo lottery I guess. Left handed, spanko, abnormally tall female, shy introvert. Awesome. I'm considered pretty tame by many in the BDSM community, yet would be an outcast and pervert by much of vanilla society's standards.

Talking to people is hard. Putting myself out there is hard. But I do it anyway. (Well, sometimes.) And when I don't do it I know that I only have myself to blame when what I want doesn't happen. You know that quote, "you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake." There are people coming in and out of this community every day. There's nothing about me that will stand out over any other person. Not unless I do something to make people notice me.

It's easier to say "well nobody talked to me there" than to put it on myself to talk to them. It's easier to just stay home than to deal with a big crowd of people where I may have to sit next to, or god forbid talk to, a stranger. I have a hard time finding play partners locally. It's easier to just not play than to have to do the dreaded asking and risk rejection. Easier, yes. Getting me anywhere? No.

For over a year and a half of attending things in the local community I avoided a certain group because you have to stand and say your name for introductions in every class. And do it again should you want to say anything during the class. That probably sounds like a completely ridiculous thing to try so hard to avoid. But I hated the sound of it. And I still hate it. But I go and do it anyway because it's silly to miss out on seeing people and learning things just because of that. Though I do rebel by never asking a question because I don't want to have to do it more than once per class.

I see so many new people posting on here saying they are interested in kink but the pathway to the community by way of munches stops them from getting involved. They are shy. They are socially awkward. They fear being stuck in the middle of a big crowd of strangers with nothing to say. I hear you, people. You are not alone. There are so many of us out here that are the same way. The "fake it til you make it" method is being used ALL the time.

I wish I could say it gets easier, but it may not. Each day can present a new struggle that you just have to push yourself past. Some days you may not be able to do it. But the next day you may. There are still events I'm more likely to attend because I know some of the people there a little better as opposed to the other thing happening on the same day where I'd be alone. I still feel awkward trying to break into a circle of friends to say hello. My heart still thumps when I raise my hand to tell a joke that I hope hits the mark and is worth the anxiety of standing in front of everyone. I do it anyway.

That Tricky Label Thing

This is cross-posted from my FetLife page after some recent musings about the labels we use in TTWD.

Welcome to Fetlife! Now set up this profile!

Gender- Female (I realize that this very first option is just as difficult as the rest of these for some.)

Sexual Orientation- Straight. Usually. Straight but sometimes enjoying female fun with the right
female? Heteroflexible. Is that what that means? Urban Dictionary is down. Shit. Fluctuating/Evolving? That leaves too big of a question mark. I'll just go with straight.

Role- Administrative secretary. Oh, this means role in a scene. This one is easy. Bottom. What are the other options? I'm definitely not a Domme. I don't top anyone so switch wouldn't apply. Unless that counts in the bedroom where I sometimes enjoy being in control. Hmm. Masochist? Hell no! I'm a pain wuss. But does it only mean in the physical sense? I have stayed in a job I hate for 9 years.

Submissive or slave? Ehh... With certain people those traits are stronger. I don't want to open the door to the "Oh you're a sub? Then do as I say!" Domly Dom internet strangers. kajira/kajirus? Fucking Urban Dictionary is still down. Brat? Sometimes. Primal? I don't like steak. Vanilla? Only with chocolate syrup added. Fetishist, yes. Kinkster, yes. Let's go back to bottom.

How Active Are You- This is getting kind of personal, isn't it? I mean yeah, I spend a lot of time on the couch. But who doesn't enjoy marathoning seasons of their current obsession on Netflix? I Live The Lifestyle When I Can. Sure, that can apply to exercise and to kink.

Looking For- Someone to play with, check. Friendship, check. Events, check. A relationship? Maybe if the right person came along. But is advertising that opening the door to more douchebaggery in my inbox? Let's skip that. A Master? Mentor? Ehh. Same as above.

Location- I'm not in a tiny town where I'm concerned that internet creepers could stalk me so will go with my actual city.

Age- Still young enough not to lie about it.

Done! Wait, now I have to write about myself? I suck at that! Okay, think. A short summary that will catch the attention of those whose attention I want to catch. Not many people read these things so short is key. Can I tell everything somewhat interesting and/or important about myself in 4 paragraphs? Of course not. But I need to move on to the next section.

Relationships In- There aren't many so that's easy. And throw Peeps in a few times because I find it funny. Done. Websites- Included the blog address. Upload a new picture- About 100 of my ass and 1 of my breasts for good measure.
I'm finished!

Well, not really. That was just a basic setup of a Fetlife profile. We've all had to fit ourselves into labels for our entire lives. Pick an orientation, a political party, a college major, a career title, a religion. Don't have one? You'll be given one. Now you're an atheist and probably an asshole about it. Pick up your T-shirt at the next meeting. http://www.pinterest.com/pin/572590540096928380/

Relationship status? That's a deep pool to swim in. If you don't fit the M/F monogamous relationship mold then get used to over-explaining those dynamics for the rest of your life. Even if you do fit that, someone is bound to stick their nose in your business of what you do in your bedroom and why.

Role in the kink scene? That's a tricky one. You may play different roles with different people. This is something I contemplate a lot and got me thinking about this whole subject of labels. From the beginning of becoming involved in the scene I was firm about saying I'm a bottom. Just a bottom. Bottom vs submissive was a label struggle that only really existed in my own mind.

Why? Partly because I don't like the negative stereotypes that too often come with the label of submissive, and even slave. That it means you can't think for yourself so need someone to tell you what to do. That you're weak or less than. Do I think those things are true? Absolutely not. I know many very strong people in the community and in life who identify as an s type. So why do I even care what the naysayers think about it?

A friend recently asked me how I felt about being in service to someone. I replied that I'm not sure I completely know what that even means. What I got from the ensuing conversation is that it means whatever you want it to mean. If you poll 10 kinky people about the definition of just about anything, you are likely to get 10 different definitions back. None are particularly right or wrong except to those individuals.

I understand the purpose of having labels. They can help narrow things down from a zillion options. But most of us don't fit into one box. And that's perfectly fine. I still have more questions than answers. Do I always know what to call myself? No. I can explain it but it may take a while. I do know how I feel and who I love. I know who/what they are to me and who/what I am to them. That's the part that I think matters. Labels are for soup cans, after all.

Lea-To-English Dictionary

(Cross-posted from my Fetlife writings)

Okay, so direct communication about what I want is not my strong suit. Actually, it's not really in my closet at all. I'm not good at asking for what I want or initiating anything from romantic encounters to scenes I'd like to have. Those things are unlikely to change. But what can change is people learning to fucking read between the lines already! I have written this Lea-to-English dictionary to assist in translation.

Lea: "Hi."
English: a. "Hi." (Sometimes it is just a hello.) b. "Hi. I want a spanking."

Lea: "What are your plans tonight?"
English: "I am free. Are you going to fucking ask me to play already or what?"

Lea: "I'm hungry."
English: "After I find sustenance, I'd really like a spanking later."

Lea: "I'm tired."
English: "I'm tired."

Lea: "You're a jerkface."
English: a. "You really ARE a jerkface.'' b. "I think you're cute and you should spank me." c. a and b combined

(In response to being asked if I've played at the party)
Lea: "A little bit."
English: "I want more spankings."

(In response to being asked what I like to do at the party)
Lea: "I'm a spanko."
English: "Spank me already!"

Lea: "That toy looks mean."
English: "Smack me with it so I can form an accurate opinion."

Lea: "No."
English: "Get the fuck away from me."

Lea: "A little more."
English: "Push me to the edge, baby."

There. Are we all on the same page now? Was it that difficult? I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to spank me. Yeah, I sort of quoted Notting Hill. I should be spanked for that.

NLA-U's Graydancer Weekend Event

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Coming In Second: The Poly Conundrum

I have a boyfriend. He has a wife. It's complicated, but not. We are all aware of each other. It's not an OKCupid lie of "oh I can date you because I'm in the process of a divorce" and the guy ends up being still married and the wife isn't aware that he's browsing dating sites. We are all aware. I knew what I was getting into at the beginning, but not. How did I fall down this rabbit hole?

We began as friends. It was right around the time I found myself going through a divorce. A real one, not like OKCupid guy's imaginary separation. It was also around the time I was first exploring my local scene which is how we met. He was very cautious about moving slowly and my current emotional state with everything that was going on. But feelings developed and it didn't move so slowly after all.

I certainly wouldn't call it a rebound since it's been a year now. I had my own worries and doubts about getting involved with someone who is already involved with someone. And I still do at times. At the end of the day though, it is what it is. This is a complex and touchy subject so I want to state up front that this is my blog and strictly my opinion. I care for both of them deeply. I'm not here to talk about them except in relation to my own feelings about my relationship.

I am good about keeping my kink quiet. I don't feel it is necessary to share with my family or vanilla friends that I'm a spanko in order for them to relate to me as a person. My personality remains the same on both sides of that. Once in a while there are questions about how I know so many people outside of this state and why I never have pictures of my vacations aka spanking weekends. That's not a big deal though. With the wonder of the internet it's not all that surprising to know people far away. They are friends of friends. And I constantly forget my camera.

Having a boyfriend who has to be kept secret because of the circumstances is much trickier. I feel that's one of the hardest parts about this. I'm not one to share every personal detail of my life with everyone I know (don't roll your eyes at me because you are anonymously reading this on a blog), but it would be nice to have an unbiased third party to talk to sometimes. If this situation had come about while I was married and we had still agreed to pursue it, I think it'd be much easier to leave unsaid. But post-divorce I'm pretending to be single and often get questions. Are you seeing anyone? What did you do all weekend? You should go to the single's ward to meet a nice boy. Sigh.

I carefully chose two vanilla friends to confide in about it. Thankfully they were very open minded and more curious than anything. I still have never shared the spanking/kink stuff with anyone vanilla so I'm often leaving out part of the story, but it's something. Sometimes it's nice to just be able to say "Don't you hate when guys get sick and isolate themselves? Does your boyfriend do that?" or "Omg he told me the funniest joke last night." It seems if one talks about a male friend much then the question always comes up, "So you're just friends, huh?"

We can hang around other kinky friends because they understand the situation, but I'll never be taking him home for Thanksgiving dinner. I think that any insecurities I've ever had about myself and relationships you times by 10 and that's what a poly relationship is like. Worries about someone leaving me and ending up alone? Oh yeah. And it's much more likely to happen in this situation and I may not even get a say in it.

That is the thought always in the back of my mind. One day they may decide they don't want to do this anymore and return to a monogamous relationship. If that happens, I'm the one left in the cold and helpless to do anything about it. Feeling like my input doesn't matter and I have no control over what is going on is one of my biggest frustrations. Jealousy? Check. And not so much of another person directly but being left wishing I could have more but I know I can't. It's like being taunted by something great hanging right in front of you but you can't have it. Not really.

It's nice to think that we could all exist in our own bubbles and do our own thing without any interference. But that's not real. Stuff  happening between the two of them has affected me and probably vice versa. It takes a lot of patience and communication to fumble our ways through this. It's not perfect and it never will be. I'm not looking for any other relationships. This is enough to handle. I don't know that I'd ever get involved in another poly situation. I've probably lucked out with this one because they've both been pretty great and we generally all get along.
 
I wonder how many of these hangups are my own or because of what society drills into us about how relationships should be. My whole life I've been taught that you are supposed to find one person who is perfect for you. That one person will be amazing and always put you before anything else. Thinking about anyone else makes you a dirty cheater. You only need each other and will live your life happily ever after. Oh and everything should end in marriage and you shouldn't have sex before then. Hmm looks like I'm already striking out with society.

Well, I'm not first. I'm second. Second child, second place in the second grade spelling bee, second in this relationship. Is that so bad? Does there have to be more? Am I holding onto society's ideals of the path a relationship should take? I try not to think about the long term because I have no idea where this will end up. Why do I continue to be involved in this complicated relationship? Because I love him. He treats me well and he makes me smile. He spanks me too. Bonus! When we're together I am happy. I'd much rather have some of his time than none of it at all.

If this hasn't already confused you, check out the link below to see how much more complicated things can be!
Map of Nonmonogamy

Nonsocial= Predator?

This is a writing I put up on my FetLife profile recently and I wanted to share it here as well.

I am a shy person. Some people I warm up to and then they probably wish I would shut up, but for the most part I'm fairly quiet. In large group settings this is especially true. I tend to observe and listen more than I speak. Sometimes I overthink a comment so much that the moment in the conversation passes in which I could've said it. I may have met you ten times and you still don't know who I am.

There seem to be a lot of folks in the scene who identify as shy or more introverted. So it really makes me scratch my head when I see or hear things assuming someone is a predator because they don't want to come out to public events. Even as a very shy sometimes awkward person, I did take the first step to come to a munch. I wrote about that here as well. It led to me meeting a lot of great people and experiencing a lot of new things.

I love munches because they are laid back and I don't feel pressured to talk all that much if I don't want to. There is plenty going on around me to just observe. I think munches are a great way to meet people, but that doesn't mean they are the only way. It is not a rule that if you don't go to a munch then you are banned to a solitary life and cannot venture into kink.

I love going to play parties. I don't personally play all that much because I do prefer privacy, but I love getting to see a lot of friends in one place. And bonus, it's at someone else's house so my neighbors aren't the ones complaining about noise! I think parties can be a nice setting to meet people, observe, maybe scope out if someone interests you as a play partner. But they are not the only way to meet and/or play with someone.

There are a lot of reasons someone may not want to come out to the public scene. Social anxiety, worries about anonymity, a preference for more private play, hell maybe they don't have the cash for constant parties. Wanting to meet one on one doesn't make a person a predator. Having a crazy schedule that conflicts with being able to go to events doesn't make a person a predator. Not feeling the need to socialize doesn't make a person a predator.

I have a brain and good instincts. If I'm getting a creepy/asshole vibe from somebody then I'm going to listen to my gut and probably not deal with that person. But I can judge for myself if I want to meet up with someone. I'm not going to have them in my home on a first encounter, but I don't think I'll end up dead by meeting someone one on one at Beans and Brews.

Are there people out there who do try to meet privately so they can more easily take advantage of someone? Yeah I'm sure there are. But assuming anyone who doesn't want to come out in public is a predator is just as inaccurate as assuming nobody in the scene possibly could be. An unsafe person could be hiding out anywhere including in plain sight. I'll use my head and safeguard myself in all situations, public or private, but I won't write someone off solely because the public scene isn't for them.
                                      --------------------------------------

March is already coming to a close but it's been Q&A month in blogland. If you have any questions for me, please post them in a comment here or if you prefer it private you can email me at lea27f@yahoo.com. I will respond with answers in a future post.

Splitsville

I am one of many who have gone through a major separation/life change since getting into the scene. My divorce didn't have anything to do with the scene though. Or did it? I've always felt that was one thing we did right. Once I shared with my ex my feelings about spanking and what I needed/wanted, he really was pretty great about it. It took me a long time to work up to that talk and he was very understanding. It could have gone a lot worse.

He was vanilla and never quite "got it" fully, but he really did try. I'll always give him credit for that. If anything, I think that having something new to explore together made things last longer than they otherwise would have when the relationship was running out of steam. It forced us to communicate a lot more since it brought up hard topics of deep seated needs, compatibility, jealousy. And it made me really take a hard look at myself and what I wanted.

So did the scene directly lead to my relationship ending? No. But I do wonder if the timing hadn't aligned that way, if I hadn't been exploring new things and experiencing new feelings, what would have happened. Would my mind have stayed closed and would I have resigned myself to an empty life? Would I have continued to keep the peace, smile, and stay quiet forever?

It seems a lot of people find themselves here during/after a big life change. Is that purely coincidence? Or does finding ourselves and coming to terms with what we want give us the courage to venture out on a new path, even if it may be a solitary one?

This was a writing I'd posted on my Fetlife recently. I know my readers there and here don't all cross over so wanted to share it here as well. I know not everyone reading here is part of a public kink scene but I'm still curious about your thoughts on this. Was there a particular event in your life that led you to TTWD and made you want to pursue it? If you were/are in a relationship, how has it been affected if at all?

Spankings In The New Year

My Peeptini!

2013 has been very busy so far! Thankfully my job has calmed down a little from the seemingly endless and frustrating December rush. Outside of work, there's been stuff going on left and right. This past week I went to three different munches in my area. One was actually in a different county so I even had to drive on the freeway to get there and back! But I lived to tell the tale.

I had work off on New Year's Eve day and New Year's day. My lovely friend took me to get a pedicure with her. Those are kind of painful, but I do like the after effects. Hmm, that sounds awfully familiar... That was followed by dinner and drinks and attempting to stay warm indoors. Game of Thrones marathon continued. I was somewhat unwillingly pulled into watching the show to start with because I really don't care for the fantasy/sci-fi genres. It's been okay though and I like to finish what I start.

You are probably wondering what the delicious drink pictured above is. That is my Peeptini that I was drinking on New Year's Eve. I'll even share the super secret recipe. 1 shot of whipped cream vodka + 8 ounces 7Up + 1 Peep on a straw= Peeptini! It was delicious and hardly tasted like alcohol at all. My kind of drink. I'm not a big drinker but if I do have something I need it to be really sweet. This was a success. A funny side note here. One of my coworkers recently said that I should have a blog about Peeps. I just laughed and thought oh you have NO idea...

The night finished on a nice note and the following day I got my first spanking of the year. Well I hadn't been spanked yet all year so it was about time! I had completed a task that I'd been asked to do so in return I got a good girl spanking. S was nice to me, sort of. He spanked me with his hand to warm me up and then used a leather paddle and a cane. I was a bit squirmy but not terribly so. I'd been good after all! I got some cuddly time after and then headed home before going to the second munch of the week, which was fucking freezing cold. Nice crowd though.

I made it through my short work week after the holidays before the third munch on Friday. It was cold there too but not as cold as the previous one. I will fairly note that I'm often cold. Especially my hands. I had on gloves and wore gloves over my gloves. When I took them all off, my fingers were still freezing. Sigh. Winter. I suppose I should add for anyone who doesn't know what on earth I'm talking about, a "munch" is a social gathering of kinky people typically held in a public vanilla location like a coffee shop or restaurant. It helps in getting to know people.

the day after the party

Saturday was time for a play party. S spanked me and everything was really, really stingy. I think this was partly because (surprise) the place the party was held was cold so I was cold. Also my skin gets really dry in winter making it more sensitive. He used a few different things including a leather paddle and wooden spoon. I picked his thinner cane out of the bag but couldn't tolerate it for too long. Despite commonly repeated top logic, being spanked doesn't warm up your whole body.

I located a space heater in the room and went to warm myself up by that for a while. I did have a second spanking that night with someone I hadn't played with before. Two different large wooden paddles were used which I suspect left the marks in the above picture. Looks like I didn't lose my bruising ability after all. The scene went well and yes, even after two spankings I was still cold. Now it's January 7 so I've had 3 spankings in 7 days. That's a ratio I wish I could keep up all year long! A girl can dream.

2012- The Good, The Bad, And The Spanking

It's that time again when I'm thinking back on everything that has happened this past year. 2012 has been a looong year and I can't say I'm sad to see it go. There's been some good, some bad, and quite a bit of spanking. Between job stress, major health issues in my family, and divorce, thank God for the fun parts! I suppose the spanking goes in the good category as well, but I'm trying to do a play on words of the Clint Eastwood movie so work with me here. :-)

This was a year of big changes and new things for me. J and I separated and later in the year were legally divorced. I am not good with change and this was a huge one. Everything from getting used to living alone again to all my insecurities about myself coming to the surface have been issues to deal with. In the long run I know it's all for the best and I'm thankful it happened under cordial circumstances, but it's an ongoing process and not always an easy one.

A notable good thing this year was getting involved in my local community. I have attended SCONY events out East since 2009, but had never attempted to find any sort of scene near me. Part of that was because I figured no other spankos existed in this state. Another reason was worrying about anonymity. I didn't want to be running into my neighbor or boss at a party, though if that happened we'd both be there doing the same thing so would it really matter?

I searched FetLife for stuff in my area and found a whole slew of groups and activities. Many were not at all related to my kink, but there were things for everyone like munches as well. I bit the bullet and attended my first munch in February and things took off from there. The people I've met have been great and I've made some awesome friends. I've been to many munches and parties since then and even tried some new things. I'm terribly shy and not very good at starting conversations, much less talking long enough to initiating playing with someone, but that's a whole different post. Lol.

One of the wonderful people I met locally is S. He's special enough to get his own paragraph and everything! We've been playing regularly since meeting and he's one of just two people I've been spanked by here. How two quiet shy people like us even first initiated a scene I'm still not sure. Lol. He is a great top and a great guy. S, thank you for your patience and understanding and for always making me laugh. It means a lot to me.

In the spanking world, I went to three big events this year. I attended the SCONY weekend in the mountains in April and again in October. I always have a great time and wish I could see those friends more often. I miss you all so much! So many great conversations, laughs, spankings, and memories. October was the first weekend since Pinky's passing and seeing how everyone pulled together was another reminder of how SCONY is like a big family. It's such a great group of people and the love and support for each other is clearly evident.

I also went to my first Shadow Lane over Labor Day weekend. Driving to Las Vegas alone was something new since usually I don't even use freeways. I made it and thankfully a few of my SCONY friends came too so I wasn't alone with 200 people I didn't know. Joey was among them and I was really happy to have him around as my talker or I probably wouldn't have met anyone! Lol. I met many bloggers I follow like Erica Scott, Beth, Richard Windsor, Alex, and SpankCake. Everyone was incredibly nice. I also tried (and damaged) my hand at topping as you can see on the left. Some things only need to be experienced once!

It has been a long and busy year. Chapters ending and new ones beginning. I'm more than ready for 2013 and I hope it is a happy and healthy year for us all. Happy new year everyone and stay safe this holiday weekend!

Halloween Party!

Last Saturday was the night of the big Halloween party hosted by one of the local groups I attend. It's my favorite group out here due to all the awesome people in it and I was excited for it. I had a Wonder Woman costume from when my friend SY visited in June. I figured when else can I reuse this thing if not for Halloween? I'm usually a party pooper when it comes to Halloween and considered being The Invisible Woman- aka myself- but since I already had this around I attended as Wonder Woman.

The costume didn't come with any extra accessories and my friend S told me I needed a Lasso of Truth to be a proper Wonder Woman. I'm too young to know the show but went shopping in search of one. This led to a trip to a fabric/craft store which is a horrid place. I am not a crafty person and just wanted to find what I needed and get the hell out. In the drapery stuff section I saw some gold looking cord that would suffice. I asked someone how I buy it and she said I had to go pick a number and wait at the cutting station. Pick a number? What is this, the damn DMV? 

I waited in line and when I got to the front the woman there asked how much of it I wanted. "How much is a yard?" I asked. She scanned the spool of cord and said "$2.29." "No, I mean like how much stuff do you get in a yard?"   I don't know what the hell a yard is. I don't deal with fabric or large drinks in Mexico. She looked at me like I was the dumbest person she'd ever seen and measured out a yard to hold it up. "This much." "Okay, I'll take 5 of those." I bought it and got the hell out of there before my eyes nearly bled from the strong scent of cinnamon pine cones.

I really don't know how to tie rope.

 

 

I got a little distracted by my prop when I was getting ready for the party and took some pictures. After getting dressed and applying a large amount of blue eyeshadow (which one can only get away with on Halloween without looking like a hooker or Mimi from Drew Carey) I made my way to the party. I got a lot of compliments on my costume. S had been all secretive about his costume aside from saying it would be a terrible pun. He came over to me with a bunch of paint sample cards around his neck and said, "I'm 50 Shades Of Grey!" Lol. Such a dork.

Lasso of Truth and all

I was looking forward to meeting the only other spanko in Utah. JS and I have been friends on Fetlife for some time but with living in different counties we never made it in the same place at the same time before. She came to this party so we finally got to meet and she's as awesome as I expected. Another quiet one like me but we managed to have conversation and everything. You can't say "DD" to just anyone and have them get that it means domestic discipline and not Dungeons & Dragons or whatever the hell else. Yay for spankos!

There was an interesting array of costumes from super hot witches to Count Flog-ula. I brought Peeps for the snack table because what else would I bring? The awesome cake balls disappeared much quicker. An auction/fundraiser was going on for the group and L got an awful giant round wooden paddle with a heart on it. Don't ask me why she bought it because she didn't even want it being used on her, but now that it would be part of the collection S was planning to use it on me. Grr. 

Wonder Woman did get spanked shortly thereafter. We waited until less people were around and found an empty room to play. I kneeled over a spanking bench thingy and S started spanking me with a leather strap. Yeah, seemed to forget the whole warm-up idea. Lol. He switched to his hand for a while and then a different strap. My knees started hurting from kneeling so I moved to bend over the table instead. He spanked me with the new giant wooden paddle and I disliked it as much as I expected. He switched to the cane which had me hopping and we stopped soon after that. I got my hug and we went back upstairs.

The home where the party was has a firepit in the backyard. I had jokingly said earlier in the night that if a fire had been going we could've roasted Peeps. J, one of the hosts who lives there, was super sweet and built a fire so I could do so. Even fashioned a hanger into a temporary roasting stick for me. I was joined by a few others and even introduced a couple people to their first roasted Peep ever. When I saw on Fetlife the next day that "roasting Peeps over an open fire with lea27f" (my user name) was a new fetish, it cracked me up. Totally worth smelling like campfire for 2 days. A cool new spanko friend, Peep roasting, and spankings. Quite a party!

Insecurities

I'm sort of an insecure mess. You may have noticed. Lol. With major life changes in this past year, more of those insecurities and doubts about myself have come to the surface with a vengeance. But they certainly aren't new. These things have deep roots and can be quite difficult to shake. Throw in the complexities of TTWD and scene relationships and there's a whole new layer to deal with.

When I first discovered the spanking scene a few years ago, one of my immediate concerns involved my own body image. I was trying to grasp the idea of putting myself in the vulnerable position of being spanked by someone which was a little intimidating to begin with. On top of that, I started being haunted by my own insecurities of how I look. I'm too fat. I'm too tall. What if I can't even fit over someone's lap to have the revered OTK experience? I'm not cute enough. What if nobody wants to play with me at all?

I'd love to say I don't think about any of those things anymore, but that wouldn't be true. I do, especially in new situations and having to meet new people. But the thoughts have faded a bit. When I attended my first spanking party I saw that the people were just regular people, like me. A range of ages, sizes, and types. I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in on a Cosmopolitan magazine. Have I wished that I was as pretty or as smart or as thin as someone else? Sometimes. But I fit in. We are all just people and I never felt judged. You're always your harshest critic, as they say.

Shyness and social issues are a whole different layer for the self conscious being that is Lea. And regular me, too. There's this quote I came across once. "People who don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do know me wish I was." Lol. That's fitting. I'm very shy around new people. I don't always know what to say and feel awkward and out of place or like I'm intruding into someone's conversation.

The average person probably assumes that someone they don't know well likes them alright or at worst is just indifferent. I tend to assume that people don't like me unless they've outwardly indicated otherwise. And who goes around saying "Hey, I really like you!" Lol. Therefore, I assume a lot of people dislike me. Or I should say, my emotional brain thinks that. Rational brain can think about it and realize that people probably are indifferent or haven't noticed me because I have never talked to them. I always joke that I'm the tallest invisible person ever. Good at blending into the background.

My one saving grace in retaining friends is that I'm at least fairly funny in my self-deprecation. A friend was talking about how someone was complaining that any time she liked a guy, he liked one of her friends and not her. I said, "Yeah, that's in my book. It's called My Life." Everyone laughed and it became a running joke that when I'd say something whiny or mopey, I'd add "that's in Chapter 5." I really need to write this book. There's a lot of material. Lol.

There are actually a lot of fairly introverted people in the spanking scene besides just me. It can be a bit of a struggle at first when two shy people are trying to have a conversation. Talk about awkward silences. I do much better online than I do in person. Thank God for the internet so we can at least get to know each other better before meeting.

In looking for compatible play partners, I've had really extensive conversations via email, IM, text, whatever. Then when we actually meet I tend to get really quiet. I am not the initiator. Would never survive as a top. (As if my hand didn't already prove that.) In a few years of doing all this, I have never gotten any better about being the one doing the asking. I hate it. For one thing, when I'm in a certain mood and headspace I love the whole chase. I want the person to come get me. Having to go to them and ask "hey, will you spank me?" kind of kills that, as silly as it may seem. Am I capable of just saying what I want? Of course. But do I want to? Not always.

Being the initiator also opens me up for rejection, which has happened, and that's never any fun. I know people say it happens to everyone and to just brush it off, but it can nag at me until I wonder what did I do or do they dislike me, blah, blah, blah. To those who usually do initiate things, bless you all. Seriously. TTWD kind of forces open the lines of communication, which is a good thing but definitely doesn't mean it's always easy.

A lot of my thinking on this topic came up recently after an unexpected and very long conversation with a friend. Various things were discussed like perceptions of how others feel about me and how my own perceptions affect how I may act towards others. It led to talk about relationships and friendships in the scene and feeling insecure about different things. How the closeness we feel with others in TTWD kind of skips preliminary steps an average friendship would take and therefore gives us a deeper bond but also leaves us more open to be hurt should things go wrong.

It was an enlightening conversation and quite an eye-opener to me personally that many of the feelings I expressed I am not alone in. I'm always amazed when someone I think is beautiful is worried about how they look, or someone who seems super popular expresses that they stress about people liking them. I'm equally amazed if I'm ever told that a person envies anything about me or my perceived relationships with others. I suppose it's a case of the grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone feels insecure and self conscious at times. Some may just not show it as much as others.

Is that Schadenfreude? I don't really enjoy that other people may feel insecure, but it does make me feel a bit more normal in my feelings about myself. I may not like everything about my body, but this is what I have. I may be shy, but once I actually talk to someone they could like me. I may never be the super popular one, but I have good friends. I might get rejected, but there are still plenty of people who do want to play with me. Perception. And if there's someone out there reading this and thinking about your own insecurities, know that you are not alone.

Being Polyspankerous: What I Like About Having Multiple Partners

Polyamorous (adj.)- pertaining to participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships.              

"Polyamorous" is a pretty widely used term in the kink world but I added the definition to preface the rest of this. Not too long ago, I saw a blog comment by Erica Scott  where she dubbed the term "being polyspankerous" to describe having multiple spanking partners.   I really liked that description and quickly created it as a fetish on FetLife. It now has 41 followers so I'm clearly not the only one who liked it. 

In the online world of spanking, I've observed a divide of 2 big groups as far as spankos go. Those who are in monogamous, often DD, relationships and the polyspankerous folks. Not that there's anything wrong with that, to quote Jerry Seinfeld. We all have our own thing and that's cool. I find pondering on the differences in people to be interesting, which is partly why I'm writing about this. 

Even during my marriage, I was in the polyspankerous group. When I discovered the online world of adult spanking and that there were others out there who thought like me, I was ecstatic. And I wanted to meet these people. Like, right away. Lol. But it didn't happen quite so quickly. First I had to get past the hurdle of sharing my spanking interest with my husband who had no idea up to that point outside of a little bedroom play. In part of those initial conversations, I shared that there were spanking groups out there and various information I'd gathered online about the spanking lifestyle.

It was understandably a lot to take in. Once we got to the point of him spanking me, things then eased into conversations about how some of these groups had parties. And that I'd like to be involved in these parties and meet these people. Oh yeah, and I'd maybe like to get spanked by some of them too. It took a lot of communication to get to a certain comfort level with that. He didn't really want to hear about what happened or even think about it, but he was okay with me going to do that because he trusted me and knew I'd stay within pre-discussed limits.      

Initially, I thought a lot about my own comfort level with this whole idea. How weird was this going to be to have someone other than my husband touching me? (My own body image issues that came up in all of this are a whole different story.) The group I was getting involved with, SCONY, stressed that it was for platonic spanking, which was exactly what I was wanting. But I still wondered, would it really be? How comfortable am I going to be with being partially clothed across someone else's lap?

I came to the conclusion that even if I didn't get spanked by anyone, I still really wanted to meet these people. I already felt comfortable with many of them after talking online for months and months prior to my first party. So I ventured off alone to the first of many parties. And I'm so glad I did. The experience was beyond my highest expectations. The people were great and friendly, enough that I came out of my shy shell quicker than expected. I also did get spanked by several different people and it all went well. It was all so.. comfortable. It didn't feel creepy or weird like I'd worried about.

I was hooked! I really enjoy being able to have experiences with different people. I think of spanking partners like I do friends. You have more than one friend, right? Can one person meet every need that you have? Is it so wrong to have several people who meet different needs for you? I don't have one friend who shares every single interest and wants to do everything with me all the time. But I have Friend A who will get sushi with me. Friends B and C are always down to go bar-hopping. Friend D loves to see every new movie that comes out. With everyone combined, I have a companion for all my interests.

I'm definitely a discipline-minded spanko, but I still like participating in other areas of the spanking realm as well. Top A can give me a really good mindfuck when I need to be in that headspace, but what if I'm not in the mood for that? I might want something a bit more light-hearted and fun and Top B and I can always make each other laugh, so I enjoy playing with him for those kinds of spankings. I may enjoy a more sensual spanking with Top C and then there's Top D for when I want some handcuffs to come into play.

I am sort of an equal opportunity spankee in that I'm not strict as to only playing with one gender or only playing with people who don't switch, for example. But that doesn't mean I'll play with any Tom, Dick, or Mary I run into. I still have my own preferences and "vetting" process, so to speak. The list of people I've played with isn't super long. There does need to be some sort of connection between me and the top and a lot of communication about what we're both wanting so that we're on the same page.

I want to reiterate that I'm not knocking anyone who is in a one partner- one spanker relationship. If that works for you, that's great. If the idea of spanking/being spanked by someone other than your partner isn't comfortable for you, well, it doesn't have to be. You don't have to do it. For myself, I enjoy playing with different people. I consider myself fortunate to have found even one person, much less several, who are good tops and enjoy spanking me as well. Variety is the spice of life, after all! ;-)

Spanking Bloggers Network Day + Shadow Lane Stuff

Today is the Spanking Bloggers Network Day! What is the Spanking Bloggers Network, you ask? I took a little paragraph off of their blog page to explain.

"We are a collection of spanking bloggers who have chosen to gather together to promote our individual blogs. Each day, the list will announce when a member blogger has posted to their own blog, and will provide a link to that blog for anyone interested in checking it out. If you're interested in joining us, please check out the membership primer at the bottom of the page to see what you need to do."

Joining is a great way to get your blog seen by more people and also keeps you up to date on other great blogs to read as they join. You can find the blog and instructions on how to join here and also the group on FetLife for the SBN here.

In other news, I'm now definite for attending Shadow Lane. For anyone who doesn't know what I'm talking about, it's a big spanking party held in Vegas every Labor Day weekend. A large block of a hotel is reserved off for all of us weirdos to run around and play. Lol. I've never attended such a big party like this one before. I'm a regular for the SCONY mountain weekends out East but this will largely be a very different crowd. Which kind of scares the hell out of me!

 

I'm really shy and the idea of trying to meet loads of new people kind of gives me stomach ulcers just from thinking about it. Lol. And added to that is the fact that I'm going to be driving by myself, for the first time ever going so far, to Las Vegas. People say it's pretty easy to get there from my area, a 6-8 hr drive for most. I'm sure I'll be on the longer end of that time frame since I have no sense of direction and normally don't even use freeways. How do I get by in life, you ask? Uh, I live 7 blocks from work. Problem solved.





If this were my car, I'd be much easier to recognize!



So assuming I go in the right direction to end up in Vegas rather than Denver, the next hurdle will be meeting people. I'm fairly active on FetLife so I already know who a lot of people are from various pics and communication on there. But I don't have face pics of myself there so no one, except for the few who already know me, is going to know who the hell I am. I need some sort of plan. If anyone is reading this and will be there, I'll be the really tall girl with dark hair, not talking to anyone, and carrying a package of Peeps throughout the weekend. Please feel free to come say hello!

 

Lucky for me, there will be a few familiar faces from SCONY attending so I'll have some folks to talk to even if I chicken out from meeting anyone new. From my experience thus far in the scene, the majority of people are pretty nice and friendly. And I'm sure most of these people will be too, but right now my ridiculous social anxiety is a bit nervewracking. Joey, you are much more social than I am so I'm counting on you for some introductions. :-D More updates to come.

 

I Am A Person, Not A Fetish!

Yes, it's true. I am a whole person, with a face and everything, though I don't show it here. This rant is in follow up to some annoying out of the blue messages and friend requests on FetLife that I'm sure many of us have encountered. (Hell, Erica Scott could write a book about it!) You know, the ones from a complete stranger who you have no common friends or interests with. The one who clearly didn't read your profile where it says in big red letters:

If I don't know you, please send a message along with any friend requests. I don't add people I've never talked to. Thanks.

Usually the message isn't even a complete sentence. The subject line will read "Do" and the body of the message: "you need to be spanked?" And that example has better grammar than many I've seen. I'm quite tempted to reply with Subject: "Who" Body: "the fuck are you?" Because that is my first thought. Has social media shorthand and constant texting reduced our intelligence so greatly that we don't know how to say "hello" anymore? Can people still speak in complete sentences and have a conversation? I'm getting lost on a grammar tangent here but I'll return to my original point.

I am a person, not a fetish. Whether online or in person, a good way to start a conversation is to say "Hello. I'm (fill in blank). What's your name?" Then let the conversation lead where it may which could include talking about interests in the scene or outside of it. Obviously if you see me at a spanking party, I probably like to spank or to be spanked or am thinking about it. We're all there for the same reason but that doesn't mean that all social norms can be thrown out the window. Approaching a person who you've never spoken with and starting a conversation with "I'd love to beat your ass" isn't in good form. 

We are all still people. Most people like to get to know a person a little better before letting them put their hands all over their body. Use some common sense and some social skills, please. As nice as it may be to have my butt complimented, I am more than just a "spankable bottom." I can talk and everything! I know approaching people isn't always easy. I admit that I'm terrible at it myself as I'm very shy. But even I can manage a hello and introducing myself.  So if you see me, come say hello! And if you want to tell me that you'd love to beat my ass, maybe save that for a few minutes into the conversation. ;-)

Luau!

I have a party update to share, but first something to whine about. A friend recently sold me on the wonder that is Google Play so I downloaded it and went through the options to upload my whole music collection to the program aka the Google Cloud. I have over 40 GB of music so this takes a LONG time. And a warning to anyone who chooses to do this- once the uploading process starts, you can't stop it. You either download your collection or don't, but there are no other options in the program. There is no pause once it gets going. And it's been using up nearly all my bandwidth making my internet pretty much unusable. 

That is why I couldn't write this post when I originally wanted it up on Thursday. Grr. Just trying to read someone else's blog and write a comment took almost 10 minutes to load the page. S helped me find an option to at least slow the upload speed so that I can actually use my computer in the meantime. Which is how I'm writing this now. Anyway, you've been warned should you decide to use that program and upload your own collection. How does it actually work other than that? I'll know in 8 more days when it's actually finished with all my music. Lol.

So back to the party update. Last weekend I attended a luau themed play party. I often don't dress up for the themes but this time I did. I found a sarong that I got a few years ago in Hawaii and wore that as a skirt. I also had a shell necklace that came from Hawaii, courtesy of my friend tb. And I wore my Peeps flip flops just because. I figured if anything they could be a conversation piece. Or conversation Peeps, as S said. It's okay if you cringed. I did too when he said it.                                      

Most people were dressed for the theme. There were coconut bras and grass skirts and leis all around. There were many dishes for the food table involving Spam. People are very inventive with the food. I'm lazy and don't cook so did not contribute anything. I should've brought Peeps, I still have over 20 boxes left to go through. I really wished I had when I found out later that they had a firepit. Peep roast! Or I could've turned them into kabobs of some sort. Peeps and pineapple slices on a skewer. Hmm, maybe next time. One of the group leaders had made cake balls which were sooo good. I think I had like 100 of them. Lol.

There was a good crowd there. A lot of folks that I know and many new ones too. I don't think many people know who I am though. I'm terribly antisocial. I really don't try to be. I'm very shy when I don't know people well yet and often don't know what to say. When you are a woman as tall as I am, it's pretty hard to just blend into the background. But after years of practice I've apparently succeeded at doing that. Lol. So if you were at this party and are reading this wondering who the hell I am, it happens.  

                               

I did play once with S. I don't play a lot at the parties because 1. I've only played with one person locally and 2. there isn't the available privacy that I'm used to. With the SCONY parties, you can play in a public area if you choose to. But there are also lots of spaces set up for private play. And that's always what I've done. Having people watching me gives me anxiety. I feel like the odd man out with my aversion to public play because here it's pretty common since that's just how things are set up. It's what people are used to. And that's fine, it's just very different for me.

S and I searched for a unoccupied area to play and found one. I was soon bent over the couch with my skirt raised and he started spanking me with his hand. The toy bag was emptied as he made his way through a few straps and a flogger. The noise seemed to have attracted some attention and out of the corner of my eye I could see some people wander into the room. I tried to ignore that and closed my eyes to focus on the spanking. The longer thin leather strap really got me squirming. I think that's the one that left a welt or two that I could feel throughout the night. I was fairly quiet though, my oww's muffled into the top of the couch. Things wrapped up and we hugged and returned to the rest of the party.

Despite my ridiculous social anxiety, I did have a good time. It was a fun group and the people that I do know and talk to, I enjoyed seeing. And that is my party story. In other news, I see that this past week I've reached over 100 followers on this blog. Hooray! I don't know if all of them are still reading, but to all who are, thank you! I hope it's been entertaining! Have a good weekend everybody.