Thursday, September 20, 2012


I'm sort of an insecure mess. You may have noticed. Lol. With major life changes in this past year, more of those insecurities and doubts about myself have come to the surface with a vengeance. But they certainly aren't new. These things have deep roots and can be quite difficult to shake. Throw in the complexities of TTWD and scene relationships and there's a whole new layer to deal with.

When I first discovered the spanking scene a few years ago, one of my immediate concerns involved my own body image. I was trying to grasp the idea of putting myself in the vulnerable position of being spanked by someone which was a little intimidating to begin with. On top of that, I started being haunted by my own insecurities of how I look. I'm too fat. I'm too tall. What if I can't even fit over someone's lap to have the revered OTK experience? I'm not cute enough. What if nobody wants to play with me at all?

I'd love to say I don't think about any of those things anymore, but that wouldn't be true. I do, especially in new situations and having to meet new people. But the thoughts have faded a bit. When I attended my first spanking party I saw that the people were just regular people, like me. A range of ages, sizes, and types. I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in on a Cosmopolitan magazine. Have I wished that I was as pretty or as smart or as thin as someone else? Sometimes. But I fit in. We are all just people and I never felt judged. You're always your harshest critic, as they say.

Shyness and social issues are a whole different layer for the self conscious being that is Lea. And regular me, too. There's this quote I came across once. "People who don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do know me wish I was." Lol. That's fitting. I'm very shy around new people. I don't always know what to say and feel awkward and out of place or like I'm intruding into someone's conversation.

The average person probably assumes that someone they don't know well likes them alright or at worst is just indifferent. I tend to assume that people don't like me unless they've outwardly indicated otherwise. And who goes around saying "Hey, I really like you!" Lol. Therefore, I assume a lot of people dislike me. Or I should say, my emotional brain thinks that. Rational brain can think about it and realize that people probably are indifferent or haven't noticed me because I have never talked to them. I always joke that I'm the tallest invisible person ever. Good at blending into the background.

My one saving grace in retaining friends is that I'm at least fairly funny in my self-deprecation. A friend was talking about how someone was complaining that any time she liked a guy, he liked one of her friends and not her. I said, "Yeah, that's in my book. It's called My Life." Everyone laughed and it became a running joke that when I'd say something whiny or mopey, I'd add "that's in Chapter 5." I really need to write this book. There's a lot of material. Lol.

There are actually a lot of fairly introverted people in the spanking scene besides just me. It can be a bit of a struggle at first when two shy people are trying to have a conversation. Talk about awkward silences. I do much better online than I do in person. Thank God for the internet so we can at least get to know each other better before meeting.

In looking for compatible play partners, I've had really extensive conversations via email, IM, text, whatever. Then when we actually meet I tend to get really quiet. I am not the initiator. Would never survive as a top. (As if my hand didn't already prove that.) In a few years of doing all this, I have never gotten any better about being the one doing the asking. I hate it. For one thing, when I'm in a certain mood and headspace I love the whole chase. I want the person to come get me. Having to go to them and ask "hey, will you spank me?" kind of kills that, as silly as it may seem. Am I capable of just saying what I want? Of course. But do I want to? Not always.

Being the initiator also opens me up for rejection, which has happened, and that's never any fun. I know people say it happens to everyone and to just brush it off, but it can nag at me until I wonder what did I do or do they dislike me, blah, blah, blah. To those who usually do initiate things, bless you all. Seriously. TTWD kind of forces open the lines of communication, which is a good thing but definitely doesn't mean it's always easy.

A lot of my thinking on this topic came up recently after an unexpected and very long conversation with a friend. Various things were discussed like perceptions of how others feel about me and how my own perceptions affect how I may act towards others. It led to talk about relationships and friendships in the scene and feeling insecure about different things. How the closeness we feel with others in TTWD kind of skips preliminary steps an average friendship would take and therefore gives us a deeper bond but also leaves us more open to be hurt should things go wrong.

It was an enlightening conversation and quite an eye-opener to me personally that many of the feelings I expressed I am not alone in. I'm always amazed when someone I think is beautiful is worried about how they look, or someone who seems super popular expresses that they stress about people liking them. I'm equally amazed if I'm ever told that a person envies anything about me or my perceived relationships with others. I suppose it's a case of the grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone feels insecure and self conscious at times. Some may just not show it as much as others.

Is that Schadenfreude? I don't really enjoy that other people may feel insecure, but it does make me feel a bit more normal in my feelings about myself. I may not like everything about my body, but this is what I have. I may be shy, but once I actually talk to someone they could like me. I may never be the super popular one, but I have good friends. I might get rejected, but there are still plenty of people who do want to play with me. Perception. And if there's someone out there reading this and thinking about your own insecurities, know that you are not alone.


SpankCake said...


I can sympathize with this post in so many ways.... I know you wouldn't believe me, but this could have been one of my posts! I am a natural introvert, and over the years I've learned to "force" the extrovert out of me. I went through several stages... in high school wishing I was more extroverted, but hiding in the shadows... spending my 20s insisting the world accept introverts as they do extroverts, and now, I force the extrovert to come out when necessary...the world loves the outgoing, and waiting for them to love me wasn't working. I felt like I was missing out on so much. The thing is, I realized, first impressions count, and as much as the beauty that is inside is what matters most, people only see our shells at first. I finally came to terms with I'm not going to be the prettiest girl, I'm not going to have the best body, I'm not going to look like the girls in the magazines... Ever. But I try to do my best with what I have... and so far that confidence is what people see... and they only see that energy and not how many creases I have in my torso when I bend over, or how many dimples are on my thighs. Nobody really cares, and if they do, f' them! It's all about perception- and if you're putting out that you are a gorgeous girl worth getting to know, people will buy it.

TL;DR When I met you, I saw an amazingly cute girl with an awesome haircut, always dressed to the max! I wished I was as tall as you, I wished I could be as well loved as you, as clearly you have a suite full of people that did :)


PS I'm convinced true confidence comes from accomplishing something difficult... putting ourselves as a bottom and embracing that has done wonders for my confidence. After every session I feel like I could rule the world.

Anonymous said...


When I first started reading your blog before I met you, I was taken by how witty and thoughtful your posts were on many different topics. I was thrilled to finally meet you during my first weekend and found you to be just as wonderful in person.

We have shared many moments in our lives through our blogs or during spanking weekends. The Lea I see is a kind, generous, witty, sincere, genuine, and talented person. And, you have a beautiful voice as well.

You have many friends who enjoy being with you and care about you. I am one of them.

In 21 days you will be surrounded by many of your good friends who miss you and cannot wait to give you a big hug and chat all night.

Big Hug,

Emen said...

Lea, I am so impressed that at your age you are coming to any kind of grips with your self image. And I truly believe TTWD leads to that. The desire for TT makes you jump so many sharks, and while the insecurities are always there, you find yourself jumping because the rewards are so great.

Beautifully written.

Marne said...

Hey, Lea, I really like you! Now you know for sure.

Seriously though, I was afraid the NY group was going to be filled with Cosmo look-alikes, too. There is something very reassuring about hanging with "normal" -if that's what we can call ourselves -people who share TTWD.

Hugs -


Kaelah said...

Lea, add me to the people who can absolutely relate to your thoughts and feelings! As a teenager and a young woman I never felt very womanly or sexy. And I am an introverted person as well and never really felt comfortable in big groups. But I was lucky in that I made some unexpected progress in my late twenties. I learned, for example, which kinds of clothes and colours I could wear (I went to courses for that, initially for business purposes), and I stopped wearing clothes which were much too big (I wanted to conceal my waist-to-hip ratio with them which I didn't like).

A short time later I discovered the online world of kink and found Ludwig. I had never dated anyone before whom I met online. I don't know why, but somehow I had the strong feeling that Ludwig was worth taking the risk. I remember that I told him a lot about my body before we played for the very first time because I was scared that he wouldn't like what he was going to see. I had never done something so intimate with a man before (and I am just talking about spanking play between friends here). Ludwig liked what he saw, though, and he didn't care about my waist-to-hip ratio or the cellulite.

Then Ludwig became my first real mate! And I started to write posts for the blog, even though writing in a foreign language scared me at first. I began to take and post pictures of myself as well. My first photo session with Ludwig and two lovely friends of ours was the first time I felt really sexy. And I got some very kind comments on the blog as well. So, having found a man who finds me really sexy and having fun with taking erotic and creative pictures has increased my self-confidence a lot.

Am I really cool and relaxed now? Nope, I am still introverted and sometimes feel uncomfortable in big groups. I am constantly working on that. I still have bodily issues as well (my waist-to-hip ratio hasn't changed much and the cellulite hasn't gone away, either, so I spend a lot of time in order to find a good position and to set up the lights in a way that doesn't make it all too visible when taking pictures). But I have become a bit more self-confident. And I try to accept and love me the way I am, my personality as well as my body. To become even better at that is my goal for the future. I think it leads to a happier life.

Lea said...

@SpankCake, I don't believe you! ;-) My first impression of you was that you were beautiful, sweet, and very friendly. If the outwardly friendly part is a bit forced at times, you hide it well. You do seem confident. You navigated that massive party solo! I can't imagine doing that. I do agree that TTWD can make us stronger. Thank you for your comment.

@joey, Thank you for your kind words. You've always been great and very supportive and I really appreciate that. I'm happy to count you as one of my friends. I'm so excited to see everyone again soon and satisfy my hug fetish. :-)

@Emen, I think there is definitely something to that. This thing makes us very vulnerable and sometimes more open to hurt because of that. But on the flip side, I think it can make us more thoughtful, aware of our feelings, and stronger.

@Marne, Thanks! I like you too! :-) I agree that it's very comforting to be around others like us. If I'm crazy, at least I'm not alone! The thought of being the normal ones is a bit frightening. Bahahaha!

@Kaelah, Once again, I'm a bit surprised when I hear that others have felt the same way I do. Though we haven't met, from reading your blog and seeing your pictures I think you're beautiful and intelligent. Goes to show that we all have our own hang-ups. I'm glad to hear that you feel more confident and that it can be done. Thank you for your comment.

Ana said...

A very lovely, thoughtful post. I think most of us bloggers are quiet, or else we'd be out partying instead of blogging. :)

I've learned over the years to accept and honor my introvertedness. I used to think something was wrong with me and I should fix it. Now I am trying to find ways that I can make it work for me.

Humor is a great tool. If it's not used in a put-down kind of way, it can help deflect tension and make connections. It sounds like you do it very well. :)


Erica said...

You have a self-awareness and insight that I wish I'd had when I was your age -- which is exactly half the age I am now. You already recognize that what those nattering insecure thoughts are telling you are not necessarily what's real. In fact, most of the time, they're downright lies.

It really is a damn shame we worry about externals so much. With you it's your height, with me it's the signs of age, with someone else, it's something else. And you know, I think men have it as well as women. We're all bombarded with images of people who are (we think) perfect, and we can't help but fall short. Airbrushed photographs and hyper-toned and surgically enhanced celebrities are not reality.

I do the humorous self-deprecation bit too. But I had to learn when to curtail it. I used to deny every compliment given to me, until one time, years ago, someone (I wish I could remember who) gave me an annoyed look and said, "Can't you just say 'thank you'"? That stayed with me.

I guess the secret to defeating this crap is sharing it, and thereby lessening its power. So thank you, Lea. :-)

Susie said...

I think we need to say "I really like you" way more often. We'd all be better off.

Lea said...

@Ana, Yay for introverted bloggers! Do let me know those ways that make it work. ;-)

@Erica, It's so easy to be self-deprecating. I don't always take compliments well either or in my head I think, Ooh they are just trying to be nice and don't mean it."

@Susie, I think so. And I like you! :-)

Anonymous said...

Writers (like you) tend to be very sensitive people who spend a lot of time living in their own heads. It's only natural that writers...need reality checks sometimes, especially when they spend too much time alone.

It's almost a contradiction, the way you are so unsure of yourself, but you bare your soul like this on a regular those of us who wait breathlessly for your next blog post can read it and say, "Me too!!!!"

Thanks for doing that. Because of you, I know that I'm not alone in my questions, doubts, insecurities...and wild fits of giggles.

Your Friend (who can't wait to see you again),


Lea said...

@Regan, You're not alone at all. I am head of the doubt committee. ;-) Can't wait to see you and share some of those fits of giggles!