That Tricky Label Thing

This is cross-posted from my FetLife page after some recent musings about the labels we use in TTWD.

Welcome to Fetlife! Now set up this profile!

Gender- Female (I realize that this very first option is just as difficult as the rest of these for some.)

Sexual Orientation- Straight. Usually. Straight but sometimes enjoying female fun with the right
female? Heteroflexible. Is that what that means? Urban Dictionary is down. Shit. Fluctuating/Evolving? That leaves too big of a question mark. I'll just go with straight.

Role- Administrative secretary. Oh, this means role in a scene. This one is easy. Bottom. What are the other options? I'm definitely not a Domme. I don't top anyone so switch wouldn't apply. Unless that counts in the bedroom where I sometimes enjoy being in control. Hmm. Masochist? Hell no! I'm a pain wuss. But does it only mean in the physical sense? I have stayed in a job I hate for 9 years.

Submissive or slave? Ehh... With certain people those traits are stronger. I don't want to open the door to the "Oh you're a sub? Then do as I say!" Domly Dom internet strangers. kajira/kajirus? Fucking Urban Dictionary is still down. Brat? Sometimes. Primal? I don't like steak. Vanilla? Only with chocolate syrup added. Fetishist, yes. Kinkster, yes. Let's go back to bottom.

How Active Are You- This is getting kind of personal, isn't it? I mean yeah, I spend a lot of time on the couch. But who doesn't enjoy marathoning seasons of their current obsession on Netflix? I Live The Lifestyle When I Can. Sure, that can apply to exercise and to kink.

Looking For- Someone to play with, check. Friendship, check. Events, check. A relationship? Maybe if the right person came along. But is advertising that opening the door to more douchebaggery in my inbox? Let's skip that. A Master? Mentor? Ehh. Same as above.

Location- I'm not in a tiny town where I'm concerned that internet creepers could stalk me so will go with my actual city.

Age- Still young enough not to lie about it.

Done! Wait, now I have to write about myself? I suck at that! Okay, think. A short summary that will catch the attention of those whose attention I want to catch. Not many people read these things so short is key. Can I tell everything somewhat interesting and/or important about myself in 4 paragraphs? Of course not. But I need to move on to the next section.

Relationships In- There aren't many so that's easy. And throw Peeps in a few times because I find it funny. Done. Websites- Included the blog address. Upload a new picture- About 100 of my ass and 1 of my breasts for good measure.
I'm finished!

Well, not really. That was just a basic setup of a Fetlife profile. We've all had to fit ourselves into labels for our entire lives. Pick an orientation, a political party, a college major, a career title, a religion. Don't have one? You'll be given one. Now you're an atheist and probably an asshole about it. Pick up your T-shirt at the next meeting. http://www.pinterest.com/pin/572590540096928380/

Relationship status? That's a deep pool to swim in. If you don't fit the M/F monogamous relationship mold then get used to over-explaining those dynamics for the rest of your life. Even if you do fit that, someone is bound to stick their nose in your business of what you do in your bedroom and why.

Role in the kink scene? That's a tricky one. You may play different roles with different people. This is something I contemplate a lot and got me thinking about this whole subject of labels. From the beginning of becoming involved in the scene I was firm about saying I'm a bottom. Just a bottom. Bottom vs submissive was a label struggle that only really existed in my own mind.

Why? Partly because I don't like the negative stereotypes that too often come with the label of submissive, and even slave. That it means you can't think for yourself so need someone to tell you what to do. That you're weak or less than. Do I think those things are true? Absolutely not. I know many very strong people in the community and in life who identify as an s type. So why do I even care what the naysayers think about it?

A friend recently asked me how I felt about being in service to someone. I replied that I'm not sure I completely know what that even means. What I got from the ensuing conversation is that it means whatever you want it to mean. If you poll 10 kinky people about the definition of just about anything, you are likely to get 10 different definitions back. None are particularly right or wrong except to those individuals.

I understand the purpose of having labels. They can help narrow things down from a zillion options. But most of us don't fit into one box. And that's perfectly fine. I still have more questions than answers. Do I always know what to call myself? No. I can explain it but it may take a while. I do know how I feel and who I love. I know who/what they are to me and who/what I am to them. That's the part that I think matters. Labels are for soup cans, after all.

Changes

 

Recently my would've been 7th anniversary passed by. 7 years from my wedding on that popular date of 07-07-07. Has it really been that long?  In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, in others almost as if it were last week. So much has changed. Change. It's always been a four letter word to me. Something that I typically dread, but an inevitable entity. I like things to all be neatly wrapped and defined. I want to see all the ins and outs and know the end goal and that it's achievable. That gives me comfort and the motivation to try. I avoid sticking my feet into murky waters when I can stay safely on the shore while watching others swim.

But that's not how life is, is it? There are not many things that are clear and defined. Certainly not where people are involved. People are eager but fickle, loving but hurtful, always changing and growing. Sometimes that growing brings us closer and sometimes it pulls us apart. What would I tell that girl about to walk down the aisle 7 years ago? Don't do it? Give yourself more time to get to know YOU? Damn, the paycheck changes when switching taxes back to single is fucking killer? I probably wouldn't tell her anything. She didn't choose wrong. She chose to go down a path that worked for that particular time in her life.

Everything makes me who I am now. The good and bad experiences and memories, the lessons learned. Sometimes I like that person and sometimes I don't. There are times I wonder if my life would've been a whole lot easier if I stayed on a traditional path. I'm approaching my 29th birthday soon. Then next year will be 30. That dreaded year of reflection and what if's. Would I be happy if I'd stayed a good Mormon girl and been a wife and mother? If I'd followed the overwhelming local culture and done what was wanted and accepted? Ugh, kids. At least I've done one thing right.

Now I find myself in relationships that are much more complicated than I'd ever dealt with in that long ago vanilla life. I question my place in them more often. The secrecy remains one of the most difficult parts about polyamory. I'm not quite as dramatic as the "shout it from the rooftops" types, but it's hard to not be able to share with others in your life about someone you love so much. Secrets and lies because it's not conventional or accepted. That part doesn't get any easier. 

On the plus side, my relationships have different rewards. I am far from perfect, but the nature of things has made me learn to be much better at communicating. My personality is the type to hold things in and I don't think I do that as much anymore. I can't or I would eventually implode and take those around me down with me. I realize now more than ever before that I find a lot of joy in caring for others and making my partner happy. Not too long ago, a friend said that I'm someone who knows what she wants. I don't always agree, but I think I'm getting better at it.

Do I know what I want? That really depends on context. In short term immediate goals, sure. I'm a spanko. I want a spanking. See, that was easy. In the scene I still feel that I don't have a firm place. I love my spanko friends and I wish I was closer to all of them. I'm glad we have technology at our fingertips that makes it easier to stay in touch and biannual spanking weekends for in person contact. Locally, still a question mark. I've been fairly active in my local community for a few years now. I served on the board of a group for a whole year. I go to various munches and parties and gatherings. Sometimes I feel like the more involved I try to be, the more disconnected I feel.

I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's seeing what I perceive as such close friendships and relationships and not feeling like I have that here. I'm kind of a loner and an introverted personality to begin with.  It feels like an unreachable bond when being around those who have built that up with each other for years and years. Maybe I am asking the wrong questions. Instead of wondering "why don't I fit in?" or "How can I belong like that person?", I should ask "How can I show others how awesome I am so that they don't miss out?" If I keep thinking that then it could become true, right?  Sometimes things hit me, like this passing anniversary date, and I needed a chance to think and cry and write and mourn what I thought my life would be. I know I do have love in my life. I know that I have friendships, albeit many long distance. I am grateful for that and for all those who have stuck by me through the changes. <3

Why? The Psychology Behind Spanking

What is it that makes me a spanko? Why do I want/need/crave this? What does it do for me? What does it do for my partner? Will I always feel this way or will it just fade away at some point? I feel like there are many more questions than there are answers. It is an interesting thing to ponder, but I gave up a long time ago on ever figuring out the origins.

I have heard many other self-identified spankos  share stories similar to mine. For me, spanking has been a lifelong interest. When I was a kid I didn't try to actively get in trouble because what kid wants to be in trouble? That's something one quickly learns to avoid. But I always felt a fascination with all things spanking related. I would repeatedly look up spank and all it's variations in the dictionary. I knew where to find each spot in a book or movie that involved spanking. At the same time, I felt that it was odd and wrong and that I needed to hide it. No bookmarks would be left in the pages to signal what I had last read. They didn't need to be there anyway, I had the page numbers memorized.

Many have expressed a similar lifelong interest. I've heard discussions about if there is a "spanking gene." I don't know about that. I just know that it's something that has been with me as long as I can remember. Because of that, I hold it closely. It is a part of me that I don't want to share with just anyone. It is probably why it sets me on edge when I hear someone say "so-and-so is just into spanking," like it's some silly and elementary thing. (That's a whole different topic though! I'll stay on track here.) I've heard many folks into spanking also share different stories about how they got into it. They saw something that made them want to try it or were introduced to it by a partner and really liked it. There isn't one way that makes anyone a "true spanko" over another. We all differ in certain aspects.

I have always been a bottom when it comes to spanking. That's not to say nobody hasn't ever persuaded me to top, but I am no good at it and it doesn't do anything for me. My headspace ties in with being the spankee/bottom/submissive/whatever you want to call it. I don't consider myself a masochist. I actually think I'm a huge wuss when it comes to physical pain. Some find that odd. Why are you into spanking if you don't like pain? I see pain as a means to an end to get the overall effect. More often than not, I handle the physical parts to achieve the mental/emotional parts.

My spanker/top getting into my head is such a big part of the experience for me. If there is no connection or good dynamic going with the person spanking me then it's just having my ass smacked. In my mind that is different than a spanking. I don't expect fireworks going off in my head with each play partner I meet, but there has to be something. Someone I have a friendship with. Someone who enjoys the verbal banter. Someone I like as a person. Feeling a mutual attraction, not even necessarily physical, or being drawn to a confident and dominant vibe (aka the strong silent type). I need that connection and closeness.

Finding the right partner is a key element. They play into the next questions. What does spanking do for me? What do I want/get out of it? The whole ritual and act of spanking gets me into a certain headspace. Ultimately, I feel safe and cared for. I need someone else to take control allowing me to be free to just feel. To be in the moment and not worried about anything else. Focused on myself, my partner, the rhythm and sensations, their words, and even the pain. It is an escape, really. I trust my top to know me and how I react and take me just far enough to achieve that emotional release.

I get very stressed when things just keep building up and I'm not always the best at expressing it. I hold on tightly to my emotions and spanking is one thing that can always help me get all of that out in a safe space. I also like pleasing my partner and being submissive towards them. I do not have a real life disciplinarian or a 24/7 relationship of a D/s dynamic. I do like how many of the aspects of discipline fit in nicely with my headspace and spanking in general. I like the mindfuck. The process of "getting caught," unsuccessfully trying to get out of it and match wits with the top, resisting, and ultimately (as we both knew would happen) submitting and accepting the spanking. "The dance," as some call it.

I'm no top, but from questions I have asked my friends who are I get some of the same feedback. Being in control they like caring for someone, knowing they are giving the bottom what they need, and getting them to that headspace. I don't know what an equivalent "topspace" would be to what I get out of it, but maybe someone can describe that sometime. I'd be curious to hear more about the other side.

It's not always all serious. Hell, I'm a spanko. I like spankings for fun, just because, for stress relief, for sexual release, because it's Wednesday and we're both bored. Whatever. Though my interest and mindset are rooted as I described above. The connection, contact, and closeness are all important. Oh and hugs. Did I mention hugs? I can be spanked until my bottom is a rainbow of colors, yanked by my hair, pushed into position, held down while squirming, but when that is all over I need a hug. I think I'm pretty simple. Right? As I wrote earlier, we all differ. This is some insight into the mind of Lea. What's your story?

Vanilla Dating And Being An Introvert

How did people date before the days of the internet? Did you have to actually talk to people when you were out places? That means you had to go out to places to start with. Ugh. Sounds awful. The internet became commonplace when I was about 13. I am definitely part of the impatient "I want it now and how dare this page take 1 minute to load" generation. Immediate sharing and knowledge. I like taking in all the information and then deciding what to do with it later. That goes for people, too.

As an introvert, I'm happy to have grown up in the internet age. On the plus side, it makes in person interaction less necessary. I can browse someone's online profile and know if we like the same music and movies and if we may have similar senses of humor. I can also decide if they are a douchebag who takes a lot of chest pics and has Nickelback tattoos. That helps me make the decision to not spend my energy on getting to know someone where it is bound to go downhill from there.

On the down side, it makes in person interaction less necessary. How much can a single page and a few pictures tell you about someone? If that's all a person was going by to "get to know" me, I'd probably be screwed. Okay, so she's sort of cute but weirdly into Peeps and Justin Timberlake. Crazy alert! Next profile...If someone is a horrible person who hates Peeps, it's probably best we never talked to begin with. But maybe there is more to them and to me than a strong preference about ridiculous amounts of sugar. Nickelback tattoo guy seems like a major douchebag, but maybe he made one bad drunken decision and isn't so terrible. Now we'll never know.

Dating sucks. It's hard work. You're opening yourself up to rejection on many levels. Being an introverted personality and dating is even harder. I was burned out in under a month. I met 7 different guys in about 3 weeks and I longed for a night at home alone doing absolutely nothing. I needed to recharge. Meeting people in general gets to be physically exhausting. Meeting people for the purpose of dating even more so because I am having to talk about myself, decide what bits of information are relevant, and where the line is between honesty and oversharing. 

That is a big question. Where is the line between honesty and oversharing? In a world where we now expect so much immediate information, how do you decide what is relevant and what is going to make you sound fucking crazy, but probably wouldn't be so bad once they've already gotten to know you? If I met someone in everyday life and we went out to dinner, I wouldn't feel the need to tell them everything about myself in the first hour. I spend half of my life around coworkers who don't really know all that much about me and my personal life and that's been working just fine.

If there is a mutual interest and things were going to get more serious with someone, I would want to delve further into certain subjects. There are things that could certainly be deal breakers for someone and I'm not intentionally hiding them. "Oh by the way, I'm dating a guy who is married." That would need to be said at some point. To open with though, I've left it at "I'm seeing someone but we're not exclusive." If someone is bothered by that and seeking a serious monogamous relationship, then we know to go our separate ways.

The relationship status is something I state up front, though don't go into all the details unless asked. Kink is a whole other matter. At what point do I mention what the hell is in the box under my bed? Where it is that I'm going all the time and how I know so many people across the country when I've mainly been a resident of Utah? Why I have bruises at the point they are seeing my body? Maybe it is a bigger deal in my head than it would be to the other person hearing about all of it. I don't know.

I've only mentioned it to one vanilla date so far since he was someone I went out with 3 different times. I opened with, "So do you like anything kinky?" He didn't really know what that meant so is definitely vanilla, but said he's open to trying things. I didn't say anything else until later he asked me why I asked the question and if I'm into something kinky. I said yes, I'm involved with BDSM groups and like to be spanked. He didn't ask any questions and I didn't offer any further information.

^

This is a part of my personality.

^

And so is this.

A potential partner does not have to want to participate in that with me. But at this point in my life I'm not willing to hide such a big thing to ensure someone else's comfort. Kink is not my whole life, but it is part of it. It is how I know many different people. It is how I spend some of my time. It is why I travel across the country twice a year. It is the reason I sometimes grimace and then smile when I sit down. It is why I'm texting so damn much and often laughing. That is a lot to just leave out.

The simple answer may be to just not date vanillas. It's not that simple though. I know a lot of truly awesome kink friendly folks. I don't like the idea of only fishing out of an already small pool.  Do I want to date all of them? No. Are they all even available anyway? No. Do I want to end up having 10 poly relationships at the same time? I don't know. Do I like the idea of having someone to take home for family dinner who isn't married? Yeah. Is that a completely unrealistic and outdated expectation? Maybe. I have a lot of questions and not many answers. These are my rambling thoughts for today. In summary, dating sucks.

Coming In Second: The Poly Conundrum

I have a boyfriend. He has a wife. It's complicated, but not. We are all aware of each other. It's not an OKCupid lie of "oh I can date you because I'm in the process of a divorce" and the guy ends up being still married and the wife isn't aware that he's browsing dating sites. We are all aware. I knew what I was getting into at the beginning, but not. How did I fall down this rabbit hole?

We began as friends. It was right around the time I found myself going through a divorce. A real one, not like OKCupid guy's imaginary separation. It was also around the time I was first exploring my local scene which is how we met. He was very cautious about moving slowly and my current emotional state with everything that was going on. But feelings developed and it didn't move so slowly after all.

I certainly wouldn't call it a rebound since it's been a year now. I had my own worries and doubts about getting involved with someone who is already involved with someone. And I still do at times. At the end of the day though, it is what it is. This is a complex and touchy subject so I want to state up front that this is my blog and strictly my opinion. I care for both of them deeply. I'm not here to talk about them except in relation to my own feelings about my relationship.

I am good about keeping my kink quiet. I don't feel it is necessary to share with my family or vanilla friends that I'm a spanko in order for them to relate to me as a person. My personality remains the same on both sides of that. Once in a while there are questions about how I know so many people outside of this state and why I never have pictures of my vacations aka spanking weekends. That's not a big deal though. With the wonder of the internet it's not all that surprising to know people far away. They are friends of friends. And I constantly forget my camera.

Having a boyfriend who has to be kept secret because of the circumstances is much trickier. I feel that's one of the hardest parts about this. I'm not one to share every personal detail of my life with everyone I know (don't roll your eyes at me because you are anonymously reading this on a blog), but it would be nice to have an unbiased third party to talk to sometimes. If this situation had come about while I was married and we had still agreed to pursue it, I think it'd be much easier to leave unsaid. But post-divorce I'm pretending to be single and often get questions. Are you seeing anyone? What did you do all weekend? You should go to the single's ward to meet a nice boy. Sigh.

I carefully chose two vanilla friends to confide in about it. Thankfully they were very open minded and more curious than anything. I still have never shared the spanking/kink stuff with anyone vanilla so I'm often leaving out part of the story, but it's something. Sometimes it's nice to just be able to say "Don't you hate when guys get sick and isolate themselves? Does your boyfriend do that?" or "Omg he told me the funniest joke last night." It seems if one talks about a male friend much then the question always comes up, "So you're just friends, huh?"

We can hang around other kinky friends because they understand the situation, but I'll never be taking him home for Thanksgiving dinner. I think that any insecurities I've ever had about myself and relationships you times by 10 and that's what a poly relationship is like. Worries about someone leaving me and ending up alone? Oh yeah. And it's much more likely to happen in this situation and I may not even get a say in it.

That is the thought always in the back of my mind. One day they may decide they don't want to do this anymore and return to a monogamous relationship. If that happens, I'm the one left in the cold and helpless to do anything about it. Feeling like my input doesn't matter and I have no control over what is going on is one of my biggest frustrations. Jealousy? Check. And not so much of another person directly but being left wishing I could have more but I know I can't. It's like being taunted by something great hanging right in front of you but you can't have it. Not really.

It's nice to think that we could all exist in our own bubbles and do our own thing without any interference. But that's not real. Stuff  happening between the two of them has affected me and probably vice versa. It takes a lot of patience and communication to fumble our ways through this. It's not perfect and it never will be. I'm not looking for any other relationships. This is enough to handle. I don't know that I'd ever get involved in another poly situation. I've probably lucked out with this one because they've both been pretty great and we generally all get along.
 
I wonder how many of these hangups are my own or because of what society drills into us about how relationships should be. My whole life I've been taught that you are supposed to find one person who is perfect for you. That one person will be amazing and always put you before anything else. Thinking about anyone else makes you a dirty cheater. You only need each other and will live your life happily ever after. Oh and everything should end in marriage and you shouldn't have sex before then. Hmm looks like I'm already striking out with society.

Well, I'm not first. I'm second. Second child, second place in the second grade spelling bee, second in this relationship. Is that so bad? Does there have to be more? Am I holding onto society's ideals of the path a relationship should take? I try not to think about the long term because I have no idea where this will end up. Why do I continue to be involved in this complicated relationship? Because I love him. He treats me well and he makes me smile. He spanks me too. Bonus! When we're together I am happy. I'd much rather have some of his time than none of it at all.

If this hasn't already confused you, check out the link below to see how much more complicated things can be!
Map of Nonmonogamy

Splitsville

I am one of many who have gone through a major separation/life change since getting into the scene. My divorce didn't have anything to do with the scene though. Or did it? I've always felt that was one thing we did right. Once I shared with my ex my feelings about spanking and what I needed/wanted, he really was pretty great about it. It took me a long time to work up to that talk and he was very understanding. It could have gone a lot worse.

He was vanilla and never quite "got it" fully, but he really did try. I'll always give him credit for that. If anything, I think that having something new to explore together made things last longer than they otherwise would have when the relationship was running out of steam. It forced us to communicate a lot more since it brought up hard topics of deep seated needs, compatibility, jealousy. And it made me really take a hard look at myself and what I wanted.

So did the scene directly lead to my relationship ending? No. But I do wonder if the timing hadn't aligned that way, if I hadn't been exploring new things and experiencing new feelings, what would have happened. Would my mind have stayed closed and would I have resigned myself to an empty life? Would I have continued to keep the peace, smile, and stay quiet forever?

It seems a lot of people find themselves here during/after a big life change. Is that purely coincidence? Or does finding ourselves and coming to terms with what we want give us the courage to venture out on a new path, even if it may be a solitary one?

This was a writing I'd posted on my Fetlife recently. I know my readers there and here don't all cross over so wanted to share it here as well. I know not everyone reading here is part of a public kink scene but I'm still curious about your thoughts on this. Was there a particular event in your life that led you to TTWD and made you want to pursue it? If you were/are in a relationship, how has it been affected if at all?

Tolerance- Fantasy vs Reality

There are times when I really crave a spanking. Yeah I'm a spanko, so that's not all that surprising. But there are those times when I crave it even more and want something intense. This past week was one of those times. I'd been tired, stressed out, annoyed with work and a variety of other things. I wanted a long hard spanking. One that could relieve my stress. Give me something else to focus on for a moment and free my mind. Give up control to someone I trust implicitly. Get me to the point of having that emotional release.

My head forms these scenarios quite well. I could imagine myself sitting on the edge of the bed, nervously waiting. He enters and tells me to undress and get in position for my spanking. I lie on the bed as he murmurs soft comforting words. This is happening because I need it and it's going to be challenging. Letting go is always challenging but it will be physically as well. I'm startled by the first few swats from his hand to my waiting bottom. As it continues I start to relax into it. The intensity picks up and his hand comes down harder and harder with each smack.

He pauses and rubs my reddening cheeks. I know this is a prelude to the more difficult parts to come. I try to keep my body relaxed, my mind only focused on what is happening right now. Butterflies stir in my stomach as I hear his belt unbuckle and slide through the loops. The belt whips against me over and over, biting into my flesh in quick succession. It takes my breath away and I will myself to stay in position. His hand rests on my back and I turn towards him with a nod to continue.

The belting goes on at a fast pace but the sensation starts to blur a bit. My bottom stings terribly and is emanating heat. It hurts but I'm not completely focused on it hurting. I can feel the tension leaving me as my mind becomes more relaxed. I don't notice the few tears that left my eyes until he is there next to me, wiping them away. The spanking has stopped. He caresses my sore bottom and pulls me close to him. I cuddle up to him laying my head on his chest. And in that moment everything is right.

Ha! Only in fantasy will I ever be that stoic. Here is what actually happened. I made several less than subtle comments throughout the night about how I hadn't been spanked yet. S is a nice guy and helped remedy the problem even though it had gotten really, really late. I lied on the bed and he started spanking me with his hand. I was already feeling a little sensitive before he even switched to the leather paddle. That was extremely stingy to me at the moment and had me squirming all over.

After that covered all areas, he grabbed my dense wooden paddle. It gives much more thud than sting which can be harder for me to handle at times. This was one of those times. With each swat I nearly jumped from the bed. I was wiggling a lot and he wrapped his other arm around my waist to keep me there as he continued to paddle me. He knew I'd been wanting a harder spanking but he's also very good at reading my body language and interpreting my squeals to know when I can't take any more. He ended it not too long after that. I did get to cuddle.

He called it at the right time. I wasn't pushed too far. The spanking was just fine but it didn't go how I'd wanted it to. I was really annoyed with myself. Why do I have to be such a wuss? I had been craving it all week and then I couldn't even handle it. Why does my tolerance vary so much from time to time and what causes that? It's so frustrating! If only life could play out like the fantasy sometimes. I'm interested to hear if this is a common thing. Have you experienced a changing tolerance? If so, what do you think may cause that and how do you deal with it?

One Year Ago ~ Why To Attend A Munch

One year ago today, I hesitantly walked into a Whole Foods. I wasn't hesitant because I was worried about being hit by a wayward Subaru in the parking lot, but because I was about to attend my first munch.

I was not completely new to the scene. I'd been attending SCONY events for about 3 years already. But one of the appealing things about SCONY is that it is all the way in New York. I wasn't really worried about running into my neighbor at a party.

In between attending bi-annual spanking weekends I was getting a bit lonely. I'd nearly written Utah off as a kinkless wasteland because it's Utah. There couldn't possibly be any kinky people here, much less spankos. Right? Wrong. I searched my local area on Fetlife and was surprised at how many groups there were out here. Many were aimed at fetishes I did not share, but many others were open for everyone. And that is where I found the information for an upcoming munch.

Now here I was at Whole Foods ordering some coffee with knots in my stomach. People were scattered around at the tables but I'd already spotted the group I was looking for. A small sign was on the table and I recognized a few faces from their profiles when browsing through who was attending. I still almost turned around and left. What am I doing? Am I even going to fit in here? I'm going to say something stupid and make a bad impression. What if nobody talks to me at all?

I got my latte and walked over, sitting at the far end of the table from most of the conversations going on. Before I could say anything, I was greeted with a smile and a hello. Asked my name and if I was new. Was it that evident? Lol. There were more people arriving, more introductions. Small talk. I didn't say a whole lot. Everyone was so nice, so... normal. There was talk of a party a few days away and I was encouraged to attend if I wanted to.

This will be baffling to my regular readers I'm sure, but somehow Peeps came up in conversation. Then I knew for sure I'd made at least one new friend. When I found out she also had Singstar that sealed the deal. I did end up going to that party that was a few days away. And then another one. Another munch. Another party. There can be so many events going on in the same weekend it's hard to choose which one to attend. In fucking Utah. Who knew?

There are so many great people in the scene. Such a variety of interests and activities, amazing intelligent people willing to share their knowledge and open their homes. I'm so glad that I made that first step and got to know what was out here. If a shy spanko like me can do it, anyone can. Admittedly I'm not much better at talking to people now than I was a year ago, but I'm more comfortable and I have my people to hang with.

To all my friends, acquaintances, lovers, spankers, and everyone else who took a moment to notice and say hello to a shy new girl, thank you. I still may be one of very few spankos in Utah. I may have a much more limited focus and shorter fetish list than others. But that doesn't matter. It is the people who keep me coming back. All of you who continue to share a smile and a hello. I'm thankful to have met so many great people and have learned so much from many of you. And it all started with a cup of coffee.

*Unrelated side note- Today is James Spader's birthday. Everyone should watch Secretary tonight and get or give a spanking in his honor. I think it's what E. Edward Grey would want.

2012- The Good, The Bad, And The Spanking

It's that time again when I'm thinking back on everything that has happened this past year. 2012 has been a looong year and I can't say I'm sad to see it go. There's been some good, some bad, and quite a bit of spanking. Between job stress, major health issues in my family, and divorce, thank God for the fun parts! I suppose the spanking goes in the good category as well, but I'm trying to do a play on words of the Clint Eastwood movie so work with me here. :-)

This was a year of big changes and new things for me. J and I separated and later in the year were legally divorced. I am not good with change and this was a huge one. Everything from getting used to living alone again to all my insecurities about myself coming to the surface have been issues to deal with. In the long run I know it's all for the best and I'm thankful it happened under cordial circumstances, but it's an ongoing process and not always an easy one.

A notable good thing this year was getting involved in my local community. I have attended SCONY events out East since 2009, but had never attempted to find any sort of scene near me. Part of that was because I figured no other spankos existed in this state. Another reason was worrying about anonymity. I didn't want to be running into my neighbor or boss at a party, though if that happened we'd both be there doing the same thing so would it really matter?

I searched FetLife for stuff in my area and found a whole slew of groups and activities. Many were not at all related to my kink, but there were things for everyone like munches as well. I bit the bullet and attended my first munch in February and things took off from there. The people I've met have been great and I've made some awesome friends. I've been to many munches and parties since then and even tried some new things. I'm terribly shy and not very good at starting conversations, much less talking long enough to initiating playing with someone, but that's a whole different post. Lol.

One of the wonderful people I met locally is S. He's special enough to get his own paragraph and everything! We've been playing regularly since meeting and he's one of just two people I've been spanked by here. How two quiet shy people like us even first initiated a scene I'm still not sure. Lol. He is a great top and a great guy. S, thank you for your patience and understanding and for always making me laugh. It means a lot to me.

In the spanking world, I went to three big events this year. I attended the SCONY weekend in the mountains in April and again in October. I always have a great time and wish I could see those friends more often. I miss you all so much! So many great conversations, laughs, spankings, and memories. October was the first weekend since Pinky's passing and seeing how everyone pulled together was another reminder of how SCONY is like a big family. It's such a great group of people and the love and support for each other is clearly evident.

I also went to my first Shadow Lane over Labor Day weekend. Driving to Las Vegas alone was something new since usually I don't even use freeways. I made it and thankfully a few of my SCONY friends came too so I wasn't alone with 200 people I didn't know. Joey was among them and I was really happy to have him around as my talker or I probably wouldn't have met anyone! Lol. I met many bloggers I follow like Erica Scott, Beth, Richard Windsor, Alex, and SpankCake. Everyone was incredibly nice. I also tried (and damaged) my hand at topping as you can see on the left. Some things only need to be experienced once!

It has been a long and busy year. Chapters ending and new ones beginning. I'm more than ready for 2013 and I hope it is a happy and healthy year for us all. Happy new year everyone and stay safe this holiday weekend!

The 5 Stages Of Grief And Spanking

You have probably heard of the 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Does any of that sound familiar? Very, very familiar?

Denial

Who, me? It's not my fault! Really!

Anger

You wouldn't dare! What do you think you're doing? 

Let me go! Don't you pull my panties down! Noooo!

Bargaining

Oww oww oww! I'll be good, I swear! 

I'll do what you wanted me to, Sir. What do you mean it's too late for that?

Depression

Sniffle  I'm sorry I disappointed you.

Acceptance

Thank you. I know I needed that.

If only we were all so compliant. ;-)

*all images found at The Pink Papers*

Losing My Bruising?

*Disclaimer- This post is going to have a lot of pictures of my butt, and some of a very bruised butt at that. If that type of content bothers you, may want to skip this one.

I vividly remember my first adult spanking. Over the years, I tend to remember the little details of my spankings. I could say what the reason for the spanking was, how I was feeling about it, how I felt after (emotionally), what I was wearing (or not), where I was. The pain isn't usually a clear detail after the fact. I definitely know that some spankings were more severe than others and can recall what implements may have been used. But the physical pain from one to the next is hard to compare.

I remember that first one clearly though. How nervous I was to see if this was going to be everything I'd fantasized about for years or just a big mistake and a letdown. It didn't last long. It wasn't very hard, with what I have to compare to now anyway. But it hurt. I was surprised how much it hurt and thought for a moment, "why the hell did I want to do this?" But I did want it. And I still do.

After the belt, Sept 2011

 

I've never liked pain. I feel I'm kind of a wuss and not just in the spanking realm. This has been a baffling concept to other kinksters over time. Why would I be a spanko if I don't like the pain? I don't know. I just am. Besides the pain, another thing I still remember about that first spanking is how I immediately bruised. This was from maybe 10 or so swats on my bare bottom. It was enough to almost scare my ex away from spanking me again because he didn't want to hurt me.

I've always bruised easily. I'm one of those people who will run into a door and then the next day look down at my leg and think "where the fuck did that huge bruise come from?" Someone can poke me hard and a bruise will appear. I've just always been that way. No, there's nothing medically wrong with me. I don't have an iron issue or anything like that. It just is what it is. Or maybe I should say "was."

SCONY weekend, Sept 2011

Over this last year, I feel like I'm finally losing a bit of my bruising ability. It's actually really annoying me. Why the change? Have I gotten tougher? Extremely unlikely. Has my skin possibly toughened up a bit? Maybe. Am I being spanked harder/more frequently? Yes to the latter. Is my top so nice and gentle that there are no after effects? Definitely not. My nickname was "Real-lea purple" for a reason. It was the one distinctive trait I had. 

I know, I know. It's not a competition. But if it was, I'd be losing. Lol. I definitely have no high tolerance to speak of. If I don't even mark anymore then I'm just another spanko in the sea with nothing to show for it. I didn't use to photograph myself at all so don't have any pictures until about 2 years into being somewhat regularly spanked. Marking appears to lessen in time. You be the judge.

After SCONY party, Nov 2011

Picture 3 was after a 5 day SCONY weekend. That used to be a pretty average amount of bruising for me after a party. Picture 4, above, was from last November. I flew out for a one night SCONY party in NYC. I did play like 10 or 11 times in one night. And then had a pretty severe scene the next day. So that one was post hairbrushes, canes, straps, and many hands. It took about a week to fade away.

Testing a new strap, Jan 2012

Post St. Patrick's party 2012

Post St. Patrick's party 2012

The ones above after a party in March 2012 were quite a bruise-fest. That was from one scene but it was a hard one. Two tops and we went through just about every implement in my bag and both of theirs. Anyone who regularly photographs their bottom knows that redness and bruising show up lessened in pics, though I don't know why. It looked a bit worse than this. One of the people who I'd never played with before actually commented on the marking during the scene, saying "oh cute, you have like an immediate panty line of bruises." And people think I exaggerate!

SCONY weekend, April 2012. Least bruising ever.

Spanked at party, June 2012

SCONY weekend, Oct 2012

Hallween party 2012

It's bugging me that there are an uneven number of pictures in this post, so here is one more just because.

I suspect that there can't really be anything done about this bruising change, but if you have experienced this I'd be curious to hear your thoughts. This is the end of my whining about my lack of uniqueness, for now.

Pinky

My friend Pinky passed away this week after a battle with cancer. The world is left short one incredible person, but heaven has gained one. Pinky was one of the first people I met in the scene and SCONY and I have nothing but fond memories of her. She was so friendly and welcoming and so much fun to be around. Always a smile on her face and a mischievous look in her eye. And rightly so as she was always up to something. ;-) She brought laughter wherever she went.

She was the original brat and any possible silliness or prank you could think up, she'd probably already done it and ten times better at that. I think she may have trademarked the term "throwing someone under the bus" because she sure was good at that. She was always willing to run you over... err... help you out. Lol. One of my first spankings was partly due to her hiding an item I was supposed to be carrying around and then got spanked for not having. And so it began!

You couldn't be around Pinky for long without laughing about something, whether it was exchanging jokes or her hilarious Hello Titty t-shirt. At this past April's SCONY weekend, I remember a bunch of us were hanging out on the porch just talking. "What's the difference between a dog and a cat?" she asked. "What?" I said. "When you call a dog it comes. When you call a cat it takes a message and gets back to you later." We all laughed and then she shared her markers so we could write something on our nametags that would get us in trouble later.

 

There is a memorial for her this weekend in NYC. For anyone in the area who knew her, you can find information about that on the SCONY group page on FetLife, along with how to make a donation in her name to the cancer foundation if you'd like to. I'll be thinking of her and all my friends out there and have all my hugs saved up for when I see you all again. Pinky had a loving spirit and I know we'll still feel it with us when we gather again in October. Rest in peace, Pinky. You will always hold a special place in the hearts of all who knew you.

Insecurities

I'm sort of an insecure mess. You may have noticed. Lol. With major life changes in this past year, more of those insecurities and doubts about myself have come to the surface with a vengeance. But they certainly aren't new. These things have deep roots and can be quite difficult to shake. Throw in the complexities of TTWD and scene relationships and there's a whole new layer to deal with.

When I first discovered the spanking scene a few years ago, one of my immediate concerns involved my own body image. I was trying to grasp the idea of putting myself in the vulnerable position of being spanked by someone which was a little intimidating to begin with. On top of that, I started being haunted by my own insecurities of how I look. I'm too fat. I'm too tall. What if I can't even fit over someone's lap to have the revered OTK experience? I'm not cute enough. What if nobody wants to play with me at all?

I'd love to say I don't think about any of those things anymore, but that wouldn't be true. I do, especially in new situations and having to meet new people. But the thoughts have faded a bit. When I attended my first spanking party I saw that the people were just regular people, like me. A range of ages, sizes, and types. I didn't feel like I was on the outside looking in on a Cosmopolitan magazine. Have I wished that I was as pretty or as smart or as thin as someone else? Sometimes. But I fit in. We are all just people and I never felt judged. You're always your harshest critic, as they say.

Shyness and social issues are a whole different layer for the self conscious being that is Lea. And regular me, too. There's this quote I came across once. "People who don't know me think I'm quiet. People who do know me wish I was." Lol. That's fitting. I'm very shy around new people. I don't always know what to say and feel awkward and out of place or like I'm intruding into someone's conversation.

The average person probably assumes that someone they don't know well likes them alright or at worst is just indifferent. I tend to assume that people don't like me unless they've outwardly indicated otherwise. And who goes around saying "Hey, I really like you!" Lol. Therefore, I assume a lot of people dislike me. Or I should say, my emotional brain thinks that. Rational brain can think about it and realize that people probably are indifferent or haven't noticed me because I have never talked to them. I always joke that I'm the tallest invisible person ever. Good at blending into the background.

My one saving grace in retaining friends is that I'm at least fairly funny in my self-deprecation. A friend was talking about how someone was complaining that any time she liked a guy, he liked one of her friends and not her. I said, "Yeah, that's in my book. It's called My Life." Everyone laughed and it became a running joke that when I'd say something whiny or mopey, I'd add "that's in Chapter 5." I really need to write this book. There's a lot of material. Lol.

There are actually a lot of fairly introverted people in the spanking scene besides just me. It can be a bit of a struggle at first when two shy people are trying to have a conversation. Talk about awkward silences. I do much better online than I do in person. Thank God for the internet so we can at least get to know each other better before meeting.

In looking for compatible play partners, I've had really extensive conversations via email, IM, text, whatever. Then when we actually meet I tend to get really quiet. I am not the initiator. Would never survive as a top. (As if my hand didn't already prove that.) In a few years of doing all this, I have never gotten any better about being the one doing the asking. I hate it. For one thing, when I'm in a certain mood and headspace I love the whole chase. I want the person to come get me. Having to go to them and ask "hey, will you spank me?" kind of kills that, as silly as it may seem. Am I capable of just saying what I want? Of course. But do I want to? Not always.

Being the initiator also opens me up for rejection, which has happened, and that's never any fun. I know people say it happens to everyone and to just brush it off, but it can nag at me until I wonder what did I do or do they dislike me, blah, blah, blah. To those who usually do initiate things, bless you all. Seriously. TTWD kind of forces open the lines of communication, which is a good thing but definitely doesn't mean it's always easy.

A lot of my thinking on this topic came up recently after an unexpected and very long conversation with a friend. Various things were discussed like perceptions of how others feel about me and how my own perceptions affect how I may act towards others. It led to talk about relationships and friendships in the scene and feeling insecure about different things. How the closeness we feel with others in TTWD kind of skips preliminary steps an average friendship would take and therefore gives us a deeper bond but also leaves us more open to be hurt should things go wrong.

It was an enlightening conversation and quite an eye-opener to me personally that many of the feelings I expressed I am not alone in. I'm always amazed when someone I think is beautiful is worried about how they look, or someone who seems super popular expresses that they stress about people liking them. I'm equally amazed if I'm ever told that a person envies anything about me or my perceived relationships with others. I suppose it's a case of the grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone feels insecure and self conscious at times. Some may just not show it as much as others.

Is that Schadenfreude? I don't really enjoy that other people may feel insecure, but it does make me feel a bit more normal in my feelings about myself. I may not like everything about my body, but this is what I have. I may be shy, but once I actually talk to someone they could like me. I may never be the super popular one, but I have good friends. I might get rejected, but there are still plenty of people who do want to play with me. Perception. And if there's someone out there reading this and thinking about your own insecurities, know that you are not alone.

27

Tomorrow I will be 27 years old. Is 27 too young to be having a mid-life crisis? It's a significant number to me for a few reasons. It has always been sort of a lucky number. I also picked it as part of my scene screen name when I discovered the online world of spanking, "lea27f," though I was 23 at the time. So I'm almost my screen name age! Coincidentally, my birthday is also the day that my divorce should be finalized thanks to this state's 90 waiting period.

Some people don't think twice about a birthday. It's just another day. No fanfare. I kind of wish I could be one of those people, but I've always wanted birthdays to be special. Why not? The average day is at best boring and at worst really shitty. Might as well have something to celebrate. And thank you Americans for the whole birthday spanking thing. That's always been a highlight since emerging as a spanko.

To my friends, I'm known as the birthday Rain Man. As bad as I've always been at math I have an excellent memory for useless trivia, names, faces, and dates. If you tell me your birthday once I likely won't forget it. For that same reason, don't ever tell me your Social Security number. Seriously. A friend did it once not believing I'd really remember it. He asked me a few months later and I quoted it back to him. He was shocked. He's in the clear though because I never felt like stealing his identity. I don't think Steven is a name that suits me anyway.

If I ever become an old lady and start forgetting everything, I'm pretty sure one of the last memories I have will be Justin Timberlake's birthday. I won't ever forget that, but damned if I don't have to go from my car to my apartment door two or three times because I can't remember if I already locked it when I leave for work. Sigh. Yeah, birthdays. It's always nice to be remembered.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what the hell I'm doing with my life and events of this past year. It has not been a very good year for many reasons. Divorce, loss, major health issues with family members, crazy family issues in general, work stress, disappearing friends, financial strain, every insecurity I have about myself rising to the surface. Change. I don't adapt well to change.

The other day, the new person in my office started throwing things away and rearranging how everything was stored and I was getting so damn annoyed. My OCD was definitely on a red alert day. I don't care that those folders have been sitting there unused for the 7 years I've been here, leave it alone. Don't fuck with my environment! Lol. I know that sounds totally crazy.

I feel like the older I get, the less real friends I have. Is it just me or is that the way of things? I feel I'm not in the same place as most people I know. The single crowd has been in party mode since high school and I've never been one to go get drunk and smoke weed every weekend. The settled down people are married with several kids so have no life outside of that anymore. You only get invited over if you have a child to bring for a playdate. Single friends get phased out completely. I'm a lost old soul who doesn't quite fit anywhere.

The scene has been one of my bright spots. I'm glad that I finally decided to get involved in things locally because I've had fun and met a lot of great people. I'm sorry they've met me at a time that I'm such a basket case though. To all my friends, the real ones out there who've stuck around through crazy times, you are noticed and appreciated. I truly care for you. If only everyone could be close by.

Here's hoping that year 27 is a good one and a fresh start in many ways. Hey, I have 2 major spanking parties happening in about the next 6 weeks, so can't complain too much right? What's that? When do I not complain? Hey, I heard that! I think this will be a fun weekend with a few different things going on and hopefully a good spanking to tell you all about later. Until next time, this is lea26f, signing off.

Being Polyspankerous: What I Like About Having Multiple Partners

Polyamorous (adj.)- pertaining to participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships.              

"Polyamorous" is a pretty widely used term in the kink world but I added the definition to preface the rest of this. Not too long ago, I saw a blog comment by Erica Scott  where she dubbed the term "being polyspankerous" to describe having multiple spanking partners.   I really liked that description and quickly created it as a fetish on FetLife. It now has 41 followers so I'm clearly not the only one who liked it. 

In the online world of spanking, I've observed a divide of 2 big groups as far as spankos go. Those who are in monogamous, often DD, relationships and the polyspankerous folks. Not that there's anything wrong with that, to quote Jerry Seinfeld. We all have our own thing and that's cool. I find pondering on the differences in people to be interesting, which is partly why I'm writing about this. 

Even during my marriage, I was in the polyspankerous group. When I discovered the online world of adult spanking and that there were others out there who thought like me, I was ecstatic. And I wanted to meet these people. Like, right away. Lol. But it didn't happen quite so quickly. First I had to get past the hurdle of sharing my spanking interest with my husband who had no idea up to that point outside of a little bedroom play. In part of those initial conversations, I shared that there were spanking groups out there and various information I'd gathered online about the spanking lifestyle.

It was understandably a lot to take in. Once we got to the point of him spanking me, things then eased into conversations about how some of these groups had parties. And that I'd like to be involved in these parties and meet these people. Oh yeah, and I'd maybe like to get spanked by some of them too. It took a lot of communication to get to a certain comfort level with that. He didn't really want to hear about what happened or even think about it, but he was okay with me going to do that because he trusted me and knew I'd stay within pre-discussed limits.      

Initially, I thought a lot about my own comfort level with this whole idea. How weird was this going to be to have someone other than my husband touching me? (My own body image issues that came up in all of this are a whole different story.) The group I was getting involved with, SCONY, stressed that it was for platonic spanking, which was exactly what I was wanting. But I still wondered, would it really be? How comfortable am I going to be with being partially clothed across someone else's lap?

I came to the conclusion that even if I didn't get spanked by anyone, I still really wanted to meet these people. I already felt comfortable with many of them after talking online for months and months prior to my first party. So I ventured off alone to the first of many parties. And I'm so glad I did. The experience was beyond my highest expectations. The people were great and friendly, enough that I came out of my shy shell quicker than expected. I also did get spanked by several different people and it all went well. It was all so.. comfortable. It didn't feel creepy or weird like I'd worried about.

I was hooked! I really enjoy being able to have experiences with different people. I think of spanking partners like I do friends. You have more than one friend, right? Can one person meet every need that you have? Is it so wrong to have several people who meet different needs for you? I don't have one friend who shares every single interest and wants to do everything with me all the time. But I have Friend A who will get sushi with me. Friends B and C are always down to go bar-hopping. Friend D loves to see every new movie that comes out. With everyone combined, I have a companion for all my interests.

I'm definitely a discipline-minded spanko, but I still like participating in other areas of the spanking realm as well. Top A can give me a really good mindfuck when I need to be in that headspace, but what if I'm not in the mood for that? I might want something a bit more light-hearted and fun and Top B and I can always make each other laugh, so I enjoy playing with him for those kinds of spankings. I may enjoy a more sensual spanking with Top C and then there's Top D for when I want some handcuffs to come into play.

I am sort of an equal opportunity spankee in that I'm not strict as to only playing with one gender or only playing with people who don't switch, for example. But that doesn't mean I'll play with any Tom, Dick, or Mary I run into. I still have my own preferences and "vetting" process, so to speak. The list of people I've played with isn't super long. There does need to be some sort of connection between me and the top and a lot of communication about what we're both wanting so that we're on the same page.

I want to reiterate that I'm not knocking anyone who is in a one partner- one spanker relationship. If that works for you, that's great. If the idea of spanking/being spanked by someone other than your partner isn't comfortable for you, well, it doesn't have to be. You don't have to do it. For myself, I enjoy playing with different people. I consider myself fortunate to have found even one person, much less several, who are good tops and enjoy spanking me as well. Variety is the spice of life, after all! ;-)