Monday, September 9, 2013

Why? The Psychology Behind Spanking

What is it that makes me a spanko? Why do I want/need/crave this? What does it do for me? What does it do for my partner? Will I always feel this way or will it just fade away at some point? I feel like there are many more questions than there are answers. It is an interesting thing to ponder, but I gave up a long time ago on ever figuring out the origins.

I have heard many other self-identified spankos  share stories similar to mine. For me, spanking has been a lifelong interest. When I was a kid I didn't try to actively get in trouble because what kid wants to be in trouble? That's something one quickly learns to avoid. But I always felt a fascination with all things spanking related. I would repeatedly look up spank and all it's variations in the dictionary. I knew where to find each spot in a book or movie that involved spanking. At the same time, I felt that it was odd and wrong and that I needed to hide it. No bookmarks would be left in the pages to signal what I had last read. They didn't need to be there anyway, I had the page numbers memorized.

Many have expressed a similar lifelong interest. I've heard discussions about if there is a "spanking gene." I don't know about that. I just know that it's something that has been with me as long as I can remember. Because of that, I hold it closely. It is a part of me that I don't want to share with just anyone. It is probably why it sets me on edge when I hear someone say "so-and-so is just into spanking," like it's some silly and elementary thing. (That's a whole different topic though! I'll stay on track here.) I've heard many folks into spanking also share different stories about how they got into it. They saw something that made them want to try it or were introduced to it by a partner and really liked it. There isn't one way that makes anyone a "true spanko" over another. We all differ in certain aspects.

I have always been a bottom when it comes to spanking. That's not to say nobody hasn't ever persuaded me to top, but I am no good at it and it doesn't do anything for me. My headspace ties in with being the spankee/bottom/submissive/whatever you want to call it. I don't consider myself a masochist. I actually think I'm a huge wuss when it comes to physical pain. Some find that odd. Why are you into spanking if you don't like pain? I see pain as a means to an end to get the overall effect. More often than not, I handle the physical parts to achieve the mental/emotional parts.

My spanker/top getting into my head is such a big part of the experience for me. If there is no connection or good dynamic going with the person spanking me then it's just having my ass smacked. In my mind that is different than a spanking. I don't expect fireworks going off in my head with each play partner I meet, but there has to be something. Someone I have a friendship with. Someone who enjoys the verbal banter. Someone I like as a person. Feeling a mutual attraction, not even necessarily physical, or being drawn to a confident and dominant vibe (aka the strong silent type). I need that connection and closeness.

Finding the right partner is a key element. They play into the next questions. What does spanking do for me? What do I want/get out of it? The whole ritual and act of spanking gets me into a certain headspace. Ultimately, I feel safe and cared for. I need someone else to take control allowing me to be free to just feel. To be in the moment and not worried about anything else. Focused on myself, my partner, the rhythm and sensations, their words, and even the pain. It is an escape, really. I trust my top to know me and how I react and take me just far enough to achieve that emotional release.

I get very stressed when things just keep building up and I'm not always the best at expressing it. I hold on tightly to my emotions and spanking is one thing that can always help me get all of that out in a safe space. I also like pleasing my partner and being submissive towards them. I do not have a real life disciplinarian or a 24/7 relationship of a D/s dynamic. I do like how many of the aspects of discipline fit in nicely with my headspace and spanking in general. I like the mindfuck. The process of "getting caught," unsuccessfully trying to get out of it and match wits with the top, resisting, and ultimately (as we both knew would happen) submitting and accepting the spanking. "The dance," as some call it.

I'm no top, but from questions I have asked my friends who are I get some of the same feedback. Being in control they like caring for someone, knowing they are giving the bottom what they need, and getting them to that headspace. I don't know what an equivalent "topspace" would be to what I get out of it, but maybe someone can describe that sometime. I'd be curious to hear more about the other side.

It's not always all serious. Hell, I'm a spanko. I like spankings for fun, just because, for stress relief, for sexual release, because it's Wednesday and we're both bored. Whatever. Though my interest and mindset are rooted as I described above. The connection, contact, and closeness are all important. Oh and hugs. Did I mention hugs? I can be spanked until my bottom is a rainbow of colors, yanked by my hair, pushed into position, held down while squirming, but when that is all over I need a hug. I think I'm pretty simple. Right? As I wrote earlier, we all differ. This is some insight into the mind of Lea. What's your story?


Anonymous said...


Thank you for sharing your story. I have a similar view of spanking. I love the connection between top and bottom. I enjoy aftercare.

But, I am a masochist. I enjoy seeking new experiences that push my limits.

Excellent post. Miss you.


tim said...

Hi Lea, what an interesting post. As you say most of us will be able to tell a similar story. An early fascination with the word and stories where it occurs (actually one of my earliest spanking memories is connected with 'The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe' because I thought the White Witch would spank Edmund for not bringing her his brother and sisters. I think the causes of why we crave what we do are complex and may differ, at least in part, from person to person. I think that as social creatures dominance and submission are part of our make up, though interestingly often people who wish to play at being submissive do not want at all to be like that in reality.
There are also, I think, links to childhood. Not in the obvious sense, that people who were spanked are the people that want to be spanked because I do not think that that is true but bottoms are sexual organs in primates (just look at baboons!) and spanking is about exposing them. I wonder if there is a link with depression too, do we need some physical symbol to be able to forgive ourselves? For me, it sometimes feels like a curse now, it was part of the cause of the break up of my marriage and I know that now that if I embark on any other relationship that spanking is a deal breaker and therefore my desire for it may condemn me to spending my life alone. Hope this all make some sense,
all the best,

Anonymous said...

My interest in spanking goes back way into my childhood....I can remember wanting to be spanked at a very young age...and like you Lea, it was from a strong male role model and it was given because he cared enough about me to spank me for any bad behaviour that I would think up of in my!! And it was all in a non-sexual context!

As you know, I have turned MrB to the dark!! Spanking was never anything that he understood until we joined SCONY. Since then, he has become a true convert....which is very lucky for me...
Like you said, spankos come from all walks of life and however/whenever a person finds their "spanko" gene is a true mystery!!

See you soon,


Our Bottoms Burn said...

When spanking partners are able to connect their minds, it's a high like no other. After some probing questions around the periphery, one can sometimes guess where the bottoms deepest fantasies live and go after them. The look in her eyes when she realizes that yes, he really is going to do that which I have never told anyone about is beyond a price.

You can never always connect. In fact, I find it special when I can. Trying too hard seems to spoil it. Trying too often certainly does. Let it rest and recover.

I see it like acting, sometimes you have the audience, other times you are just going through the motions. But when you have them, it's a high for sure.

Marne said...

Great post, Lea! We seem to have many things in common, but I do not want anyone to discipline me for real. To me, role play in a scene is very different from real life. I like the banter and am thrilled if I can make the Top laugh.

See you in a month! Please start the countdown!

Hugs -


Erica said...

I don't need to tell my story. You've pretty much told it all! We have so many commonalities in our desire.

I don't believe in a specific "spanko gene," but I do believe in a certain wiring, a predisposition. I believe the basic desire for spanking was wired into me along with my sexual orientation and all my other innate preferences.

Kenzie said...

Like Erica said in her comment, you said it all so well!

It's such a confusing, yet simple thing all at the same time isn't it? I really loved this post, thanks for sharing your story. :)

Lea said...

@joey, Thank you. And you sure manage to find a lot of new experiences. :-)

@Tim, Thank you for commenting and sharing your story. I certainly hope it is not a curse for you in future relationships. I understand how it can be difficult.

@Deb, So what you are saying is you've always been a troublemaker? Please help me get out of this state of shock! Lol! Mr. B is exactly who I think of when people say others can't be "converted." He throws that theory out the window.

@Our Bottoms Burn, Thanks for your comment. I agree, not everyone will connect on a deep level. I don't expect that with every partner. I need to at least like them as a person though to be putting myself in that position. Friends are good. Spanking friends are even better! ;-)

@Marne, I'm with you there. Role play type discipline I can get into with certain people and still get into the headspace that I want. I have never been in a 24/7 relationship of that sort though and don't know if it would ever work for me. The countdown has started and you'll recognize many of the lines!

@Erica, Why am I not surprised about more commonalities? ;-) At least I'm in good company. I definitely agree that for some it is just there and I don't know if it would ever go away.

@Kenzie, Thanks for reading! It should be simple, shouldn't it? Can't people just read my mind and do what I want? Sheesh!

Sweetspot said...

I'm not just "into" spanking I'm a full throttle spanko. But even now I couldn't tell you if it's because I'm pieced together that way because my DNA cocktail came up spanko or because I was wired for sexual pleasure at just the moment something spanking related or rear-end related happened to take place in my life. I know the start of my fetish goes way back even to before I was that particular youngster who would walk miles to the local library in order to search out a book, newspaper or magazine for anything related to spanking.
But having a good experience with a bottom isn't why I am a spanko but it helps me to enjoy being a spanko. Why am I a top and not a bottom predominately, why do I love role play, why is OTK my favorite position? Just a matter of taste or perhaps there were particular moments in my past, now lost to my memory, that sealed my preferences for life. Lack of a in home father figure early on, dominating women in my early childhood, yada, yada, yada all that too.
Part of my life in spanking has become a hobby, like my searching for newspaper articles in archives. Of course, I have my vanilla world as well. Nevertheless, like Tim I see my passion as something of a curse. I wish I could have a broader range of desires. Be turned on more and different aspects of physical pleasure. But I am what I am and I think it was meant to be.
I am still puzzled as to why I want to punish women with a child's punishment when, at the same time, I don't think much of spanking children as discipline. But I am encouraged by the fact that so many women love to be spanked with the same passion that I love to spank. Thanks for asking me my opinion.

Lea said...

@Sweetspot, Thank you for commenting and sharing your thoughts. It seems like a subject that will never quite be figured out, the chicken or the egg sort of thing, but is interesting to think about and hear stories from others.