Thank you to Hermione for sharing Ben and Jerry's flavor generator with me and inspiring this post. Have you ever wondered about ice cream being specially marketed to spankos? What would the flavors be named? Well, here are a few ideas I came up with.
I'd try to spankify more Hamlet, but I just don't have it in me today. Bratting. It is one of those terms that makes me roll my eyes. I'll tell you why. It seems to have become a catch-all term for anything a bottom does that is deemed "spankable behavior". Guess what folks? Having a personality doesn't make me a "brat". I wrote this post about labels a few weeks ago but brat and bratting aren't ones that I got into. Okay, I can understand how to some extent signals can be misconstrued. If one is at a spanking party, isn't anything someone does or says a sign that they want to play? Uh, no. I'm not even talking about over the top (pun not intended) pranks, tying someone's shoelaces together, hiding their paddle, throwing water balloons, or anything like that. That type of thing is what some people would more clearly define as "bratting" and overly irritating bratting, at that.
Lesson 1: Sarcasm Doesn't Always = Bratting
I'm talking about things that are part of my basic personality that in a spanko setting may be seen as signals. I'm really quite shy, really! But once I get to know someone better it all comes out. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor. I tease a LOT with friends, that is how we banter. In everyday life, I also curse like a sailor, but I do make a conscious effort to curb that around people who are bothered by it. Tops, I promise I'm not trying to confuse you with how I interact. That brings us to the second lesson.
Lesson 2: Know Your Audience
Knowing your audience is one of the most important things to remember in the scene. In life, really. My sarcasm doesn't really come out full force to someone I don't know well. So if you've had a run in with it, props to you for being a good friend. Lol. I know that if someone is a Positive Polly that they may not love this Sarcastic Sally. Generally I try to surround myself with those who I know will be a good audience, but if Positive Polly pokes her head into the conversation, I'm capable of reeling it in a bit. I definitely tone things down with people I'm not as familiar with because I don't know how they'll take my sense of humor and my intent is not to annoy. And if I did completely gauge someone wrong and they told me to cut it out, I would immediately do so. That takes us to the third lesson.
Lesson 3: Be Aware Of Your Surroundings
This is especially important if you are in a party setting. Be sure to only address the specific person you mean to. If you throw an attitude out to the whole room, don't be surprised if someone besides the one you intended approaches you about it. Don't go over the top with people you don't intend to play with, that's not polite. Especially men, they already have so much trouble interpreting signals. Lol. You don't need to confuse them further. If you are witnessing an interaction between two people though, don't butt in. You may think one is bratting the other but that just may be how they are with each other. Stay out of it. Being aware of those around you also applies to the Alice Attention-Grabbers. You don't have to have your On switch to full brat mode turned on all night. There are others at the party too and trying to make it all about you is just rude to everyone else in attendance.
Lesson 4: Use Common Sense
If you ask 10 tops how they feel about bratting, you are likely to get 10 different answers. If you know the person you want to play with finds it funny to have their paddle hidden, then go for it. Scene created. But if you don't know someone well, throwing that water balloon at them is not cool and probably just ruined their night. Don't be a jerk, use common sense. We're all adults here.
This is slightly off topic, but another phrase I can't stand is topping from the bottom. It is often used in a negative way to indicate that a bottom was taking over the scene. I've never bossed a top around to say "use this implement this many times and then do this", yada yada yada. That is what I think the true definition of it would be. Where I often see it used though is a top not liking the feedback they got from the bottom. My friend Zelle put it best- "I'm the bottom, I'm in control, but I choose to put you in charge." I totally agree with that. Honestly, the bottom does have control. But both parties, especially when playing for the first time, should have that discussion beforehand about likes/dislikes/wants/needs/limits. If I say no wood and you think that's "topping from the bottom", well that is ridiculous and I probably don't want to play with you anyway. I will add that I've played with many wonderful people who have been great about giving and getting feedback and I appreciate that. Don't want to come across as too much of a Negative Nancy. ;-)
Well that should be obvious. They get the spankings they so richly deserve, of course! I recently purchased Erica Scott's book What Happens To Naughty Girls? It arrived in the mail a few days ago and I read it cover to cover, twice, this weekend. I absolutely love it. From her real life accounts to her fictional stories, her quick wit and love of spanking shines through. There were so many things that had me nodding in agreement, many others that had me laughing out loud, and others still that were just hot, hot, hot. That professor story, wow. Fans myself. I'm alright. Lol. I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to do it, but it has also given me ideas for quite a few witty retorts while over a knee. Thanks for the tips, Erica. :-) If you want to pick up a copy, you can find it here. It's given me a bit of the writing bug myself. Stories aren't my forte but I think I'll mess around a bit and if I come up with anything decent, you may see it on here in a future post.
This has been such a blah week. It feels like it has dragged on and on. Work was frustrating, people were annoying, and I just have not been in a very good mood. On top of that it has rained nearly nonstop which has also bugged me. I'm not living in Seattle here, enough already. But the upside is the world didn't end today. Not at my location anyway, maybe someone from the East Coast needs to comment here so I know you are all still alright. Lol. I'll give a nod to R.E.M. anyway. It's a good song.
I did have fun hanging out with some friends on Friday night so that and the enjoyable read at least ended the week on a better note. This would be the perfect time for a stress relieving spanking, but I can't have that either since we've had visitors at our home for several days. Sigh. Back to my fantasies...
Whispering in my best Haley Joel Osment impression, "I see spanked people..."
Do you have spanking on the brain? You could call it a sixth sense, the spanko sense even. I find it a bit odd that there are people who don't think about spanking all the time. Freaks... Lol. It is certainly something on my mind a lot. The size of one's hands and tone of one's voice are some of the first things I notice about a person. I rewrite spanko versions of songs all the time. (You can find my latest one here.) I always wonder what other people may be into spanking. Nearly everything I see is a potential implement and anything said can become spanking innuendo. I spend a good amount of time on spanking forums, chatting with spanko friends, and reading spanking blogs. A friend called it "obsessive spankulsive behavior". Here are some potential signs.
Is the "S" section of your dictionary the most worn?
When you look at this, do you think I'd love to take a nice hot bath or do you think RUN!!
Do you observe the irony of Arnica gel being sold near the bathbrushes at Whole Foods?
Does being called young lady make you blush?
Have you used the term "getting toppy" in your everyday life to describe getting what you wanted?
Do you hang out near the belt section of your local department store to hear that swooshing sound when they are tried on? Okay, not as subtle. Lol.
When someone uses the word "banking" in conversation, do you think twice about what they may have said?
Have you ever used the term "spankable bottom"?
Are you balding yet still own a collection of hairbrushes?
Are the words "tops" and "bottoms" forever disassociated with clothing in your mind?
Do you get butterflies in your stomach when you see a straight backed chair in the middle of a room?
If you answered yes to a few of these, you too may have spanko vision. But don't worry, I think it just makes life all the more interesting. I observe these things and smile that I'm in on a joke that the majority just doesn't get.
Okay so this is a spanko blog, you can see where this is going. For anyone who hasn't watched the movie Secretary, why are you still sitting there reading this? Go rent it, now! Alright, that's as toppy as I'll get. I've always been a fan of James Spader. From the unlikeable pretty boy Steff in Pretty in Pink to the over the top nerdy Mr. Richards in Mannequin.
Sex Lies and Videotape, White Palace, Crash. He's clearly an actor who likes to keep off the beaten path. I was an avid fan of The Practice and have every season of Boston Legal on DVD. But it was after watching Secretary that James Spader earned a special place in my heart.
Secretary came out in 2002 and although I reside in the home state of the Sundance film festival, I didn't see it until several years later. I don't recall why it came up, but a coworker who was an independent film buff mentioned it. I went and got myself a copy and watched it many times. I always hid the DVD in my computer desk drawer, as if someone seeing I owned it would immediately out me as a spanko. Lol. But at the time, I had not come out into the lifestyle yet, didn't know there was a lifestyle. One thing I did know was that the first spanking appears 49 minutes into the film. Seem a little exact? Go look it up. I've watched that scene a few times. ;-)
Secretary is about much more than spanking, of course. The dynamic between Edward and Lee's characters, played wonderfully by Maggie Gyllenhaal, is fascinating to watch. In more mainstream media, it seems that any characters into kink get portrayed as freaks. The Killer Inside Me, anyone? This movie is the only one I've seen that seems to give a more accurate perspective of how these characters think and feel and that they are otherwise "normal" people.
I don't know what a vanilla person's perspective on this movie would be since I'm spanko minded, but I always notice the little details when watching this. How she intertwines her fingers with his after he first spanks her. The look on her face when she goes to look at her freshly spanked bottom in the mirror. His quiet but firm tone of voice. Her happiness at eating four peas as her family looks on in awe. Her cunning delight when she finally gets called into his office again after the worm incident.
In the overall picture of the movie, the spanking parts are brief. But the relationships between these characters is what pulls me in. And there are so many things that I can relate to. Upon seeing the part where she swats herself with the brush, I thought other people have done that? Lol. The scene where Lee is making out with her boyfriend and tries to place his hand on her bottom but he keeps moving it up to her back. Then she even lays across his lap sticking her bottom up high which just makes him think she wants to have sex. That always makes me laugh.
Am I personally into everything that they do in the movie? No. Please don't tie me to a stove and throw tomatoes at me. But this kinky love story will always remain a favorite. So much so that I even borrowed her name as my own scene name. Gasp. Yep, the cat is out of the bag, my name's not actually Lea. And don't even start with me on how I spelled it wrong... Lol. As for James Spader, I'm glad that he can delve into the unusual roles. E. Edward Grey will always be my favorite. And now, some memorable lines.
E. Edward Grey: Look, we can't do this 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Lee: Why not?
Simon and Garfunkel, please forgive me. I just had to spankify this song. For those who've been living under a rock for 40 years, here's the original.
Now for my version.
The Sounds of Spanking
Hello paddle, my worst friend
You've come to meet with my rear end
Because I spoke without thinking
And soon my top will have me shrieking
Anticipation that was planted in my brain
Amid the sounds of spanking
Across the room I walked alone
To a corner of brick and stone
Passing minutes ticked by slowly
I turned my eyes to him sorrowfully
When my bottom was smacked by the flash of his hand out of sight
That pierced the night
With the sounds of spanking
And bent over the bed I saw
Ten thousand implements, maybe more
Brushes talking without speaking
Canes and crops sure got me listening
Straps landing smacks that voices will never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sounds of spanking
"Lea", said he, "Now you must know
I'll spank your bottom 'til it glows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take these swats that I might reach you"
And his words, on my conscience fell
With the sounds of spanking
And my knees began to sway
I knew my backside wouldn't be saved
He had succeeded in his warning
The marks were already forming
And I said, "I've learned my lesson sir, and I know you care. I'll be good I swear."
And so ended the sounds of spanking
I was trying to come up with a title a bit more eye catching than Happy Mother's Day! In any case, Happy Mother's Day to all! I am not a mother myself but appreciate all the great ones out there, including my own. Of course, she's not aware of the existence of this blog so won't see this. I hope not anyway. Lol. So I'll just tell her in person a bit later today.
Although I strongly suspect that 1800Flowers, Hallmark, and Zales got together to make up this holiday (I think the same thing about Valentine's Day), mothers are very deserving of this day. And hopefully appreciation is shown more than one day of the year. What is it that we love about mothers?
Mothers are beautiful.
Mothers are kind.
Mothers are strong.
Mothers can heal.
Mothers are wise.
To all the mothers, mother figures, and wonderful women out there who share these traits, I hope you have a wonderful day. And to the men who helped a woman become a mother, don't even start on that "I don't have to get her a gift, she's not my mother" crap. I'll even give you an idea of what the woman in your life may want or need, and it won't cost you a cent.
Recently I saw a discussion pop up about if spanking is BDSM or not. This also brings up another topic, are tops and bottoms classified as sadists and masochists? Is spanking sexual? And yet another subject, is spanking abuse? This is a lot of subject matter and I've rewritten parts of this several times over. I hope that it currently reflects my thoughts in a somewhat cohesive manner. This is all based on my personal views as a mostly discipline minded bottom. I'm not saying what is right or wrong for anyone else. There are so many different ways that people have their lifestyle work for them and there is certainly no blanket answer to anything.
As to the first question, is spanking BDSM? Let's look to Wikipedia for a basic definition of BDSM.
BDSM is a continuum of erotic practice and expression involving the consensual use of restraint, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy role-play. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and discipline (B&D or B/D), dominance and submission (D&S or D/s), and sadism and masochism (S&M or S/M). BDSM includes a wide spectrum of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures. Activities and relationships within a BDSM context are characterized by the fact that the participants usually take on complementary, but unequal roles, thus the idea of consent of both the partners becomes essential. Typically participants who are active – applying the activity or exercising control over others – are known as tops or dominants. Those participants who are recipients of the activities, or who are controlled by their partners are typically known as bottoms or submissives. Individuals who assume either top/dominant or bottom/submissive roles — whether from relationship to relationship or within a given relationship — are known as switches.
Based purely on the definition of that acronym, I think yes, spanking is part of BDSM. Usually at least one of those aspects is involved in a spanking scenario. Bondage? Does a top pinning my arm against my back so I don't reach back count? Discipline? Check. Dominance and Submission? Check. Things get skewed with the labels but one is giving the spanking and one is receiving the spanking so there often is some sort of power exchange in play. Sadism and Masochism? I'll get into that a bit later. I think those of us who are spanko-minded definitely have our own niche in the community but nonetheless are in that category.
That leads into all the labels. Top/bottom/dominant/submissive/sadist/masochist. I don't believe that a person can be simply classified by any term. It may help you more easily explain something to say that you are a "spanko" but that nowhere near tells the story about a person or what they may be into within the category of spanking. Even under the spanko umbrella which is under the BDSM umbrella, there's so many directions one can take. There are many different styles of play, top/bottom dynamics, etc. I call myself a bottom for lack of a better term. I'm the one on the receiving end of the spanking by that definition. Am I a submissive because I play the bottom role? Not necessarily. I do have some submissive aspects of my personality which can fit with the bottom role. I guess it depends on your definition of "submissive". I'm letting someone else take control and I submit to the spanking. Sometimes more easily than others... Lol. Maybe I just take issue with that term because of the incorrect stereotype it can have that if someone is "submissive" that means you can do whatever you want to me and I'll just go along with it. And that is certainly not true.
Sadomasochism broadly refers to the receiving of pleasure— often sexual— from acts involving the infliction or receiving of pain or humiliation. The name originates from two authors on the subject, the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. A subset of BDSM, practitioners of sadomasochism usually seek out sexual gratification from these acts, but often seek out other forms of pleasure as well. While the terms sadist and masochist specifically refer to one who either enjoys giving pain(sadist), or one who enjoys receiving pain(masochist), many practitioners of sadomasochism describe themselves as at least somewhat of a switch, or someone who can receive pleasure from either inflicting or receiving pain. (from Wikipedia)
Does being a bottom mean I'm a masochist? I don't think so. It may seem odd that someone who consents to receiving spankings doesn't like pain, but I really don't. Again, this is different for everyone. Some people like playful spankings, and others may like the pain of a really severe spanking. For some it can be a way to relieve stress by letting their emotions out, and others find it erotic. The majority of the time my headspace is within the discipline realm. If the spanker can really connect with me and get in my head, that's what really makes it work for me. If I don't have that connection, then the scene isn't doing much for me. Being in the right headspace for it is important and the ritual of the spanking plays into that for me. When I think back on the scenes that have really gotten to me, I honestly can't compare how hard the actual spanking was to other times. That is not what I remember. What stands out in my mind is why I was being spanked and how I was feeling while it was happening.
On the flip side of that, are tops considered sadists? Well, being the spankee here I don't know that I can give an unbiased response to that. Lol. I am not a top so am unable to delve into that perspective as easily, but I do know what some tops have told me about their headspace. One person who favors disciplinary spanking said that the most satisfying scenes for them are the ones where they feel they have really reached their partner and for that to happen, it's really more about the emotional and psychological aspects that go along with the spanking, not about how hard they spank. The spanking itself has to be hard enough to make an impression, but it's still only one piece of the puzzle. That hits the nail on the head for me. Of course, tops have as many different takes on what they get out of it as bottoms do. I'm just not as familiar with that side of things, so if you are reading this then please feel free to share your opinion.
This is an excerpt from Ms. Margaret Davis' articles on Styles of Spanking and Suggested Ideas for Successful Party Spanking found on http://www.scony.com/.
Pain is not as big a part of the punishment as people think. A serious spanking scene — one that makes a submissive feel humble and forgiven — takes carefully crafted mental and verbal skills that pierce their way into the heart and mind of the one who is over your lap.
Serious, intense pain and forceful hitting is not the most important component to a successful spanking. It is the intent, the style and the maturity with which it is delivered and received. A spanking is not an endurance test and no one is keeping score. The experience should be fun and pleasurable.
The next question, is spanking sexual? This seems to be the great debate of the spanking world. This is definitely a question that you could ask 50 different people and get 50 totally different responses. Some say that the act of having your bottom struck by someone else is sexual, period. I don't necessarily agree with that. Can it be sexual? Yes. Is it always sexual? No. For me, it's all about the headspace. As I mentioned above, I'm most often discipline minded when it comes to spanking. Things like being scolded and cornertime all play into the overall picture of a successful disciplinary spanking. The psychological aspects play an equal or even greater role than the actual spanking itself. So in those cases, it is definitely not sexual for me. On the other hand, can I enjoy a sensual or erotic spanking from my husband? Sure, if that's where my head is. One of the great things about spanking is the variety. It's not an all or nothing type of thing.
This brings us to the last subject. Is spanking abuse? This excerpt is from Ms. Margaret Davis' article on Play Vs. Abuse, also found on http://www.scony.com/.
The difference between Dominance/SubmissionPlay & Abuse
D&S: A D&S scene is a controlled situation. A: Abuse is an out-of-control situation.
D&S: Negotiation occurs before a D/S scene to determine what will and will not happen in that scene. A: One person determines what will happen.
D&S: Knowledgeable consent is given to the scene by all parties. A: No consent is asked for or given.
D&S: The bottom has a safe word that allows him/her to stop the scene at any time for physical or emotional reasons. A: The person being abused cannot stop what is happening.
D&S: Everyone involved in the D/S scene is concerned about the needs, desires and limits of the others. A: No concern is given to the needs, desires and limits of the abused person.
D&S: The people in the D/S scene are careful to be sure they are not impaired by alcohol or drug use during the scene. A: Alcohol and drugs are often used before an episode of abuse.
D&S: After a D/S scene the people involved feel good. A: After an episode of abuse the people involved feel bad.
I think a lot of vanilla people may have the perception that spanking is abuse. One more reason I wouldn't want to share this part of me with the vanillas in my life. It's not something that's easy to grasp or explain to those who aren't like-minded. They might think it's wrong or it's not healthy. I think it's greatly based on the trust you have with your partner and keeping it safe, sane, and consensual. Honestly, I believe that many couples into kink are better off than the vanilla couples. When you can share your deepest needs and desires with someone and play that out in your life together, it brings a whole new level of intimacy to the relationship that's truly amazing. I've experienced that firsthand.
I don't have all the answers. The bottom line is (pun intended) do what you enjoy the way you want to do it, be a safe player, and to hell with the labels. This has turned into quite the essay. Lol. If you are still reading, I hope you found it interesting.
Unless my calendar is wrong, today is indeed May 1. WHY IS THERE SNOW ON THE GROUND? Grr. I am so sick of this crap. Damn Utah. I used to think maybe 6 months of generally moderate winter was preferable to the East coast's can't leave your house for a week and your car is buried storms, but I'm changing my mind. At least if snow shuts the city down, you don't have to go to work. Snow days never happen here. This picture pretty much sums up my thoughts.
ENOUGH OF WINTER!
On another note, I'm loving the show Weeds! I was recently given a season of it by a friend so figured I should start at the beginning. J and I recently wrapped up Season 2 and what a cliffhanger! Can't wait to start Season 3. It's delightfully screwed up so I'd only recommend it if you have a darker sense of humor. It constantly has me laughing out loud. I'd seen various spanking clips from that show in the past but so far into the series haven't come across any. It's a hilarious show anyway, so spanking or not, I'm a fan. But I'm certainly anticipating the episode with Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Long live Zack Morris! Lol.
I heard an advertisement on the radio the other day for Verizon Wireless, advertising deals on cell phones for Mother's Day. Am I the only one who thinks that's a bad gift idea? I don't know about all of you, but I've learned in the past that my parents are a bit... tech-tarded and getting them that kind of gift is just going to equal a headache on my part. You'll always be their on call tech support person anytime they can't figure out how to take a picture or use the internet browser. Sigh. I have many dear people in my life who are a bit technologically challenged and I love you all but really, never going to get you that type of gift. Lol.
I was looking at my blog stats today and since I started this blog at the end of February, it's had over 6000 pageviews. A lot more than I originally anticipated, that's for sure. The top locations of visitors come from New York, followed by New Jersey, California, Michigan, Texas, Utah, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Delaware, and Florida. I wonder how many of the Utah visits are actually me? The funniest things I found in the search keywords that brought people to this blog were "controversial ingredient + peeps candy" and "webster dictionary". Those people probably found more than they bargained for. Lol. Thank you all for reading and I hope some of you out there are enjoying some actual spring weather. :-)