Thursday, December 1, 2011


My nose is in the corner  
Butterflies rage fiercely in my stomach
It's maddening not seeing what he is doing 
Only hearing his movement and the unzipping of bags.

My senses are on edge
I flinch as he approaches behind me and makes me face him.
That look he gives me, those words he says,
I cannot bear to look him in the eye.

He guides me to bend over the chair
I jump as the hairbrush comes down hard across my bottom.
I feel his hand at the small of my back
Keeping me in my place.

He asks me a question
As I hear the cane swish through the air.
Answer him! 
But the words stick in my throat

The sting of the cane reverberates through me
I know the answers
Why won't they come more easily?

His tone, those words,
Are like a pin prick to my heart
Tears fall silently down my face
The taste of salt and regret reaches my lips

I gasp as the strap connects hard and fast with my tender flesh
The swats continue as my mind battles itself.
I can't take the pain. Yes, I can.
I earned this. I need this.

Submission overcomes me, that word I cannot say aloud.
Why do I fight it so?
He always wins
We both do.

He breaks me
Then helps put the pieces back together
"I don't want to have to do this again. But I will."
"I know, sir. I know."


sarah thorne said...

Bravo, Lea! You captured that dance perfectly!


Zelle said...

Sometimes I like to do a nice slow waltz.. versus face the speed of the fox trot! But then.. there are times I want it to go great gangbusters and just quickly get it over with!

Finding the right balance.. AS YOU HAVE.. is key. :-)

kiwigirliegirl said...

very well said :)thats it exactly
love and hugs kiwi xxx

joeyred51 said...

Terrific post Lea. You captured the essence of the ritual. I also liked the analogy of the broken dish.


Dioneo said...

Truly lovely, Lea! I especially liked the lines "He breaks me/ Then helps put the pieces back together". And unlike the plate, you're stronger when you've been rebuilt.

Lea said...

@sarah, Thank you!

@Zelle, Different strokes for different folks, as they say. ;-) (Forgive the terrible pun, lol.)

@kiwi, Thanks for stopping by!

@joey, Thank you, glad you enjoyed it.

@Dioneo, I am stronger after. It surprises me sometimes. Thanks for stopping by!

Pink said...

It's beautiful, Lea!

"I don't want to have to do this again. But I will."

That is such an important statement, I think. Trusting that he's strong enough to hold you accountable, even when the repercussions are unpleasant, is a wonderful thing.


Lea said...

@Pink, Absolutely. Though it doesn't always feel so wonderful at that moment. ;-)