Sunday, December 18, 2011

Spanking Carols! (Part 2)

Carol Of The Canes
(to the tune of Carol Of The Bells)

Hark! How the canes
Mean wooden canes
All seem to say,
"Run, run away!"
The tops are here
Instilling some fear
To young and old
Meek and the bold

Whiish, Craack! Whiish, Craack!
That's how they smack
With a big swing
Bottoms stinging
One seems to hear
Words not of cheer
From ev'rywhere
Filling the air

Oh how they pound,
Raising the sound,
O'er hill and dale,
Telling their tale,
Gaily they swing,
While people scream,
Words not of cheer,
The tops are here
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!

On, on they send
On without end
Their awful swing
Bottoms stinging

Swiish, craack, swiish, craack!

I'll Spank You For Christmas
(to the tune of I'll Be Home For Christmas) 

 I'll spank you for Christmas
You can count on me
 Please set out the straight backed chair
 And be in the corner standing

Christmas Eve will find you
Pulled o'er my knee
I'll spank you for Christmas
Happy holidays to lovers of spanking

Here Comes Mr. Top
(to the tune of Here Comes Santa Claus)

Here comes Mr. Top!
Here comes Mr. Top!
And he's got a cane!
Kiwi and Sarah and all the bottoms
try to run out of the way!
He starts swinging, girls are shrieking,
Bottoms burning bright
Hang your head and say your prayers
'Cause Mr. Top comes tonight

Here comes Mr. Top!
Here comes Mr. Top!
And he's got a cane!
He's got a bag full of implements
you won't want to see again!
Strap a'swinging, tears are streaming,
Bottoms try to flee from sight
He is near, cover up your rear,
'Cause Mr. Top comes tonight

The F.E.S.
(to the tune of The Grinch song)

Note- For anyone fortunate enough to not know what I'm referring to, the F.E.S is the Flesh Eating Strap which belongs to a... dear top I know. "Dear" is the safest adjective for me to use here...

You're a mean one, F.E.S.
You make me wish I couldn't feel.
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
You're unfortunately real.

You're a bad banana
With a greasy black peel.

You're a monster, F.E.S.
You play such an evil role.
Your leather is made by Satan
Shall we burn you? Let's take a poll!

On second thought,
I wouldn't touch you with a
thirty nine and a half foot pole.

You're a vile one, F.E.S.
You know how to snatch away a smile.
You have all the tender sweetness
As a mouthful of awful Dial.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd ALMOST take the Dial.

You're a foul one, F.E.S.
You love to mess with my head.
You're made of blood, sweat, and tears
Can I just be shot instead?

The three words that best describe me following you, are as follows, and I quote:

"Crying, dying, dead!"

You're a swatter, F.E.S.
You're the king of painful plots.
Now my bottom's a hot potato splotched
With red and purple spots,

Your soul is an appalling dump heap overflowing with the
most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable,
Mangled up in tangled up knots.

You nauseate me, F.E.S.
With a nauseous, super-naus.
You're vicious and detrimental
Wielded by a twisted boss

You're a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich
With arsenic sauce!

Paddle, Paddle, Paddle
(to the tune of Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel)

He has a big old paddle
He made it out of wood
And when he's toppy and ready
I'll quickly learn to be good!

Oh paddle, paddle, paddle
He made you out of wood 
And when he's toppy and ready
I'll quickly learn to be good!

It has an evil body
With holes so short and thin
And when my bottom's tired
I give in and never win!

Oh paddle, paddle, paddle
He made you out of wood
And when he's toppy and ready
I'll quickly learn to be good!

The paddle's never playful
It takes away my grin
He points to the chair and says,
Bend over, let's begin!

Oh paddle, paddle, paddle
He made you out of wood
And when he's toppy and ready
I'll quickly learn to be good!


sarah thorne said...


Great, once again!! :) I am so bad at stuff like this! Always enjoy seeing someone else's creativity at it.


Anonymous said...


Great parodies. You are so brave posting about the FES. Having seen it in action, I would never want to taunt the mighty top who controls its power even knowing full well that I am immune from its stroke.

I guess you have earned another mark in his book. Ouch.


(Note to self: bring extra large ice bucket for Lea in April.)

Zelle said...

OMG! These are just precious Lea! I especially love singing along to "Here Comes Mr. Top" - that has such a nice flow to it! LOL

Erica said...

More gems! You're a smart one, Missy Lea, You're as brilliant as can be! With each rhyme you keep us laughing, with each song you give us glee, Missy Leeeeeeea! :-D

Lea said...

@sarah, Thanks! It's always fun to parody things. I can't hear any song these days without twisting it. Lol.

@joey, Thank you! Don't worry, I'll be alright. (As alright as I normally am anyway, lol.) I think he'd rather have the word spread about it's evilness than saying something crazy like "it was a piece of cake."

@Zelle, It's catchy, isn't it? You'll never innocently hear a Christmas tune again! Lol!

@Erica, Glad you liked it! And that is a good song in the making right there. ;-)

ronnie said...

You are brilliant at these Lea. Thanks so much for posting them.


Dioneo said...

Another great set, Lea! My favorite was the Carol of the Canes. I'd like to hear a choir perform your version!

Hermione said...

I liked Carol of the Canes too. You chose some less-often parodied songs and made them your own.


Lea said...

@ronnie, Thanks and glad you enjoyed them!

@Dioneo, I'd love to hear that too! That'd be one interesting Christmas show! ;-)

@Hermione, Glad you liked it! Parodies are always fun to write.

Susie said...

Those are very funny...thanks, I needed a giggle this afternoon!

Lea said...

@Susie, Thanks, glad you enjoyed them. :-)