Sunday, March 24, 2013

Nonsocial= Predator?

This is a writing I put up on my FetLife profile recently and I wanted to share it here as well.

I am a shy person. Some people I warm up to and then they probably wish I would shut up, but for the most part I'm fairly quiet. In large group settings this is especially true. I tend to observe and listen more than I speak. Sometimes I overthink a comment so much that the moment in the conversation passes in which I could've said it. I may have met you ten times and you still don't know who I am.

There seem to be a lot of folks in the scene who identify as shy or more introverted. So it really makes me scratch my head when I see or hear things assuming someone is a predator because they don't want to come out to public events. Even as a very shy sometimes awkward person, I did take the first step to come to a munch. I wrote about that here as well. It led to me meeting a lot of great people and experiencing a lot of new things.

I love munches because they are laid back and I don't feel pressured to talk all that much if I don't want to. There is plenty going on around me to just observe. I think munches are a great way to meet people, but that doesn't mean they are the only way. It is not a rule that if you don't go to a munch then you are banned to a solitary life and cannot venture into kink.

I love going to play parties. I don't personally play all that much because I do prefer privacy, but I love getting to see a lot of friends in one place. And bonus, it's at someone else's house so my neighbors aren't the ones complaining about noise! I think parties can be a nice setting to meet people, observe, maybe scope out if someone interests you as a play partner. But they are not the only way to meet and/or play with someone.

There are a lot of reasons someone may not want to come out to the public scene. Social anxiety, worries about anonymity, a preference for more private play, hell maybe they don't have the cash for constant parties. Wanting to meet one on one doesn't make a person a predator. Having a crazy schedule that conflicts with being able to go to events doesn't make a person a predator. Not feeling the need to socialize doesn't make a person a predator.

I have a brain and good instincts. If I'm getting a creepy/asshole vibe from somebody then I'm going to listen to my gut and probably not deal with that person. But I can judge for myself if I want to meet up with someone. I'm not going to have them in my home on a first encounter, but I don't think I'll end up dead by meeting someone one on one at Beans and Brews.

Are there people out there who do try to meet privately so they can more easily take advantage of someone? Yeah I'm sure there are. But assuming anyone who doesn't want to come out in public is a predator is just as inaccurate as assuming nobody in the scene possibly could be. An unsafe person could be hiding out anywhere including in plain sight. I'll use my head and safeguard myself in all situations, public or private, but I won't write someone off solely because the public scene isn't for them.

March is already coming to a close but it's been Q&A month in blogland. If you have any questions for me, please post them in a comment here or if you prefer it private you can email me at I will respond with answers in a future post.


PK said...

I don't think many who know me would call me shy, but sometimes I truly am. I've just learned to cover it - mostly with humor.

I would love to have my own gathering some day for the friends I've met out here. More talking than playing, but playing wouldn't be out of the question.

If I ever do, you're on the list.


joeyred51 said...


There was a time when I was very shy and introverted, but I was forced by my various positions in business to interact with many people including speeches to large groups. I remember how difficult it was when I was shy and so I am very empathetic if I see a shy person in the scene. I never think of a shy person as a predator. I approach them and try to help them feel welcome and comfortable.

I cannot add much about people who do not want to meet others at public events. I only know people who attend public events.


Kaelah said...

A very thoughtful post, Lea! I am not such a big party person, either, even though I have been to spanking parties and enjoyed them a lot. But my first real-life contact and my first kinky play was in private with Ludwig, because I am not the type to go to a public event for that and I preferred to start out with a single kinky friend instead. That allowed me to build a much more personal relationship with Ludwig before we played for the very first time. Of course one has to be very cautious when meeting privately and I definitely was. But predators can be everywhere, also at public events.

My question to you: If you ever fall in love with a kinky guy who doesn't feel comfortable going to public events like spanking parties, can you imagine to give that up for him?

Marne said...

Lea, everyone in TTWD has insecurities about something. You overcame your shyness to take major steps. If a person seriously wants to explore this kink, personal contacts have to be made. It's up to all of us to make new people feel welcome!

At the same time, that first step to a munch or party must be taken. It's usually worth the risk. My mother always says, "Good things are never easy!"

Erica said...

Good grief. There's an assumption that non-public players/people who don't attend any events are predators? That's quite a leap. I'm sorry to hear that.

Sometimes I think the only reason why I'm able to attend spanking functions is because my desire for attention temporarily overrides my natural tendency to withdraw. Also, I never feel more myself than I do among spankos, which helps dispel the introversion a bit. But, as I've discussed before, I can't handle too much socializing before I need to go decompress with some quiet time.

Lea said...

@PK, I would love that! Somebody needs to organize a spanking bloggers event!

@joey, It is really hard to imagine you as shy. :-) You're my talker!

@Kaelah, You and Ludwig are a great story/example of when things go right from online interaction.

@Marne, Yes personal contacts come into it pretty early on. I do believe people can establish some without *having* to do an event though. As much as I love my parties.

@Erica, I agree it is easy to feel at home amongst spankos. That downtime is important too though.

Kenzie said...

Wow, thats not exactly a fair assumption. I know im super shy, so itd be hard to come out of my shell for those type of things. I think its great you were able to overcome that though and enjoy the parties you attend!

my question for you, is there anything spank related you havent tried yet, that you want to try?

Lea said...

@Kenzie, Considering your geographical area, you are in spanko central as far as I'm concerned. Lol. If you did want to venture out there are many choices of events. Thanks for the question!

ronnie said...

Believe it or not, I'm quite a shy person.

Have you always loved Peeps?:)

Who would you want to play the role of you in a movie?


Regan Marie said...

I am also a member of the "Shy Club" that meets...nowhere, because people keep saying they are going to come to a meeting, but cancel at the last minute for a vague reason.

I was even nominated "most shy" in my high school graduating class, so I have the credentials to prove it.

Your call for mercy on the shy is much appreciated. I know that I have to make the effort to come out of my shell, but I also deeply appreciate when people recognize that it's difficult for me and give me some breathing space.

Hermione said...

I love the t-shirt! I could wear that so easily. I'm also shy, and not interested in idle conversation. I haven't been to many parties recently, but I suspect I'd have a great time at a party full of my online spanking friends.


Loki_Darksong said...

Well this is different. Usually if you are too outgoing you run the risk of being labeled a predator. And now if you are not outgoing enough you run the risk of being labeled a predator.

That is mad! Purely, 100% mad!

Lea said...

@ronnie, Thanks for the questions!

@Regan, Haha. I think this scene is a bit of a shy club, interestingly enough. It's amazing we managed to have parties!

@Hermione, I'm waiting for that spanking blogger/reader party to happen!

@Loki_Darksong, I agree!

Anastasia Vitsky said...

I don't know the particulars of this situation so I can't comment specifically, but in general a warning sign is when someone comes on strong right away to a newbie. Isolating a newbie by only talking privately is a good way to cut off potential support and reality checks for the newbie, so I can see why people would be concerned. But at the same time, meeting publicly can be a big risk.

Actually, I stopped by to wish you happy Peeps season. :) Are you in your element? Where are our Lea Peeps pictures for this year? ;)

Lea said...

@Ana, I don't think wanting to meet one on one by itself means anything is wrong. But I agree if a person was trying to isolate someone and keep them from talking to others at all that could be a warning sign.

You stopped in a few hours too early for the Peeps post but one is up now! :-)