Sunday, August 7, 2011

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

What is it that is so hard about asking for a spanking? Maybe some people don't have this issue, but it has always been a problem for me. That may sound silly. I'm an adult, I should be able to ask for what I want. Just be direct. But I hate doing it. Even after years of practicing this lifestyle, I still sometimes struggle to even say the word "spanking" in person when it is actually happening.

"What happens when you behave this way, young lady?"

"I get a spanking, sir."

The words catch in my throat. Every time. It's always harder when it's for something serious. There's been a time or two where I've just laid myself across J's lap while he was on his computer, just to see what he'd do. That's playful, not as big of a deal. But when I really want it, need it, those are the times when it is the hardest for me to communicate.

I think some of it is because of my headspace. I want my top to just know when I'm needing it and act on that. Having to initiate things by asking for it can kill that mood. I know that noone is a mindreader and it isn't fair to expect them to do all the work, but I just wish it was easier. When you know a partner really well it can become easier to pick up on their signals and know what they are wanting. But even then, some things can get lost in translation.

Maybe part of the reason it is so hard to ask is because it really puts me out there in such a vulnerable state. There is some factor of shame or embarrassment in having to ask to be spanked and admitting that I really need it. It places me in a very submissive position and it's not easy to go there in my mind.

I'm guessing someone out there can relate to this and that is why "bratting" in the scene and in a party setting is always such a constant discussion. Many of us are looking for more subtle ways to indicate that we want to play without directly asking. For some there is fun in the chase and the game leading up to a scene that plays into one's headspace. From discussions I've seen on the subject, it seems that many tops are okay with that to some extent as long as the bottom isn't too over the top or out of control with it. But others just don't like it and want every bottom to approach them and just directly ask to play.

That can be a really hard thing to do, especially when you are new to the spanking community. It's quite intimidating to approach someone and put yourself out there, for a top or a bottom. As I've stated above, I still have a hard time with it. But at the same time, the best thing I could share with someone who is new to all of this would be that communication is the key. Communication helps you find out if you click with someone. It can help you feel more comfortable about playing with a person to begin with and can help prevent awkward situations from popping up.

There is a lot to discuss with a potential partner in TTWD. If it is a bit awkward to do in person then email, IM, chat, whatever. Get all your cards out on the table before you plan on playing. And if when you are together they just aren't picking up on your signals and you don't want to ask, check ahead of time if it's okay to throw a Nerf football at their head as a sign that you're good to go. ;-) Communication.


baby girl said...

Really great advice! I can see what you mean about killing the mood, but I do agree that in the end, it is all about the communication. As long as it comes from a good place, it generally works out more often than not.

findingsara said...

Lea, You said it:

"Maybe part of the reason it is so hard to ask is because it really puts me out there in such a vulnerable state. There is some factor of shame or embarrassment in having to ask to be spanked and admitting that I really need it"

That's exactly how I feel. But my husband abhors true bratting, and I feel it is dishonest. That I am whimping out by hiding, by being unwilling to show my husband my needs. We have some code phrases that work a little easier for me, like "I am feeling unsettled" "I feel like I need some attention tonight". Over time, the more I have been honest with him, the more I have allowed him to learn my unspoken signals and the less often I need to ask. Sara

Olivia said...

I can completely relate. My boyfriend and I have been trying to get past it. We will use code words or I'll say something like "I'm feeling naughty", and that helps, but I do want to be able to get past my shyness or embarrassment or fear or whatever it is that prevents me from just saying that I'd like to be spanked. Clear communication is always better than using code words or acting like a brat.

It's great to read this. Good to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. Thanks!


Hermione said...

Hi Lea,

I find it hard to ask too. I'd rather it was his idea.


kiwigirliegirl said...

Such a great post Lea - thank you ,i am so glad i am not the only one who feels like that. Its awful. I know. When he spanks I feel loved and so secure and protected. So when I am feeling very insecure (like i have been over the last week) I feel I really need it. But i cant ask him. When i have asked in the past he tells me he will spank me when he decides to.
I really want to approach him with the idea of maintenance to help me with this insecurity feeling of mine. I think it would really help. I need to find the words. The words are the hard part - or just when i get the courage, something or someone turns up and i lose the moment.

kittengrl said...

I like the Nerf ball idea, Lea! If he doesn't get that point it's time to hire out the blimp or skywriter. :)

I hope I get to figure out how to ask for one soon. I just got my first *real* spanking last night, so hopefully it's the first of many!!!

Mikki said...

I write S a note... you know the kind that we used to write in school?! I can write to him things that I could never say out loud. He thinks it's silly that I can't say some things out loud, but doesn't give me grief about it... which is pretty understanding for a man! LOL

Anyway.... this note.. usually on notebook paper.. I fold it up just like in Jr High and I hand it to him. He knows to wait and read it alone and not right there in front of me. When the coast is clear, he takes me to our room.

Also... one of the other ways that I talk to him about things that I find too embarrassing to talk about is to bring it up during pillow talk in the dark... or when I'm scratching his back and I don't have to look at him...

HHhhhmmm... I'm rereading this and I'm thinking I might have a communication problem! LOL

Great post!!

Erica said...

Lea -- I can't ask either. Hence my perfecting the art of provocation.

Lea said...

@baby girl, it does usually work out, fortunately.

@findingsara, I think that a few code phrases could definitely help. Thanks!

@Olivia, You're definitely not the only one!

@Hermione, It would be nice if they just "got it", wouldn't it?

Lea said...

@kiwi, I strongly recommend maintenance spankings. That helps me stay centered. But sometimes a little extra attention goes a long way.

@kitten, Woohoo! I hope it's the first of many for you too!

@Mikki, Writing does open up a whole new realm of comfort. Sometimes J even reads my blog and will say "I didn't know you felt that way" about something. I say do whatever works for you.

@Erica, And perfect it you have. :-)

Anonymous said...

I respect all of the female switches that are our friends and I am uncomfortable "teasing" them. So I ask them as politely as possible for a spanking. All of the tops/switches that are my friends prefer this approach and have told me so. With my wife, she knows me well and it is very natural.

Great post. Thanks Lea.

Marne said...

Well said, Lea! I find it difficult to ask a person I don't know well for a spanking, that's why I'm grateful for the term, "play!" It seems so much easier to say, "Would you like to play?" I don't feel that I brat; I have a sarcastic sense of humor with all my friends, including the vanillas. But that sarcasm with a Top tends to earn what I want...

Pink said...

Orange socks. Wear them to signal your need for a spanking. (This is not my idea, but someone long ago suggested it.)

I have a hard time asking when I really NEED one. When I want one, it's sort of fun to sashay around and beg to be spanked.

I think you nailed it with the point about vulnerability though. When you really need a spanking (or feel guilty about something), you're already inclined to be feeling out of sorts. To place that much trust in someone else to help is scary. I think.

Great post, Lea! (And that photo is an all-time fav. "Who, me?")



Lea said...

@joey, Different strokes for different folks. Quite literally, around here!

@Marne, I agree, asking to "play" is easier. I wouldn't say I "brat" necessarily but like you said, sarcasm comes quite naturally to me. ;-)

@Pink, Interesting idea with the socks. I suppose that's why so many panties have words on them, so we don't have to ask.

sarah thorne said...

I will ask - if I really feel like I need it to help relieve stress or anxiety. But it's hard, because the kind of spanking I need in those instances is not the kinds I *want*. It will take me awhile to get to the point of asking. A part of me wants him to notice I am stressed and anxious and initiate it. Because it's the taken in hand part that I need most in such instances, and having to come out and ask seems, in my mind, to counteract that.

As for *wanting* it -- yes, I may brat. My husband actually does like playful bratting to get this kind of playful attention. It plays into the whole 'you do something bad (playfully, of course) then you get spanked, young lady!' mindset!

The chase and catch

And it is most wonderful to be 'caught'!! :)


Lea said...

"The chase and catch
And it is most wonderful to be 'caught'!"

@sarah thorne, I completely agree. :-)