Thursday, September 15, 2011

What NOT To Say- Part 2: Top 30 Things NOT To Say To A Top!

In this previous post, I mentioned the upcoming SCONY Mountain Weekend that I'm heading out to attend. For the last month, I have been sending daily countdown messages to my friends for the weekend with the theme of "Top 30 things NOT to say to a top." Here is the complete list with the daily top retort from my friend Arthur included. (I don't think his are quite as funny as mine, but hey, we can't all be held to such a high standard. ;-) Don't spank the messenger!

Top 30 Things NOT To Say To A Top

30. That tickles!
Reply 1- Somewhere in the distance, Amy can be heard adding "no more, please, I'll take the FES. Just no more tickle."
Reply 2- Good! That means you still have some feeling left. Now we can begin the spanking in earnest.
29. You seem to be slowing down, do you need an energy drink?
Why yes, that would be nice. What? You don't have any, just an empty promise? DEAD
28. I wouldn't want you to hurt your widdle hand.
Don't worry, my LITTLE hand will be just fine. However, as I do have a WHITTLED piece of wood, let's switch to using it just to be safe...
27. Wake me when you're done, okay?
No, no. Please nap. You should rest while you can. You will be sleeping on your stomach for awhile after this.
26. In reply to "This hurts me more than it hurts you," "Apparently..."
Apparently I have not been clear enough with you. Let's make the lesson more clear, shall we? "SWOOSH"
25. What are you going to do about it?
Prescribe wood, it cures everything.
24. Don't be such a Domass.
#24 Domass? When we are done, you are gonna dom<your>ass with pillows... STANDING UP
#24b DUMBASS? Before we get started, why don't you call for some help. When we are done, you are going to wish you would have said domass or something clever.
23. Want some Peeps?
I only accept oreos... Hence, you are still DEAD.
22. That was a piece of cake.
Great, how about another slice... How about a different flavor this time..... let's see if a piece of a la wood will be more satisfying.
21. Bring it on!
O_O, it doesn't work like that. [5 minutes and lots of owwws later] OK, now that we have that cleared up; you will now be spanked as I originally planned.
#21 remix..... "Raising my hairbrush" CHARGE!
20. In reply to "Come here, young lady,'' "Why, are your legs painted on?"
I'll show you painted on! When we're done, you will see a deep red paint job on your bottom. Now move, before I consider purple!!!!!
19. Pffftt... Whatever.
Well DUH. Whatever I want, as ALWAYS. Pffft however will get you an extra 10 with the strap on top of what you already had coming.
18. My last spanking was twice as hard as this one.
Well I guess we will just have to spank twice as long...oh, and that was just a warm up.
17. NO!
<smack> <smack> <smack> [top thinks to himself: NO! is not a safe-word] <smack> <smack> <smack>
16. In reply to "Do you understand me?" "Oh, were you still talking?"
[Top reaches in to bag, finds a THUDDY implement] !WHACK! Let's go over this again.....
15. *Loud exaggerated sigh accompanied by an eye roll*
"Nearly non-audible breath, followed by a blurringly quick grasp of the arm as a tandem of two head to a private location to have a discussion"
14. But... (insert any excuse/explanation here.)
...later in the day a top talking to another top... Why must bottoms always waste time with meaningless excuses? It just makes it worse for them. [nods]
13. In reply to "I'm thinking," "Don't hurt yourself."
You should worry about yourself. I have many implements, you however, only have two cheeks.
12. You wouldn't dare...
You are right, I wouldn't dare. I will just DO!
11. :-P (non verbal but can evoke strong feelings in a top)
#11 non-verbal (the bottom finds themselves turned around, bent over and immediately in some form of discomfort in what can be best described as "a flash".)
10. I plead the fifth!
Six strokes is the minimum. NO exceptions, NO whining, NO pleading will reduce the strokes. Now bend over and lower your pants as instructed.
9. Make me.
Gladly.
8. In reply to "Are you going to behave or what?" "What!"
"Some moments later, the respondent realized that the What! meant quite a bit more than they bargained for...as echo's of yes YES! YES!!! filled the room"
7. You and what army?
Well, if you insist.. When I'm done, I'll send in Mr R...then Lady S...then Nurse Chantal to keep you alive...then Ms M...then Al...
6. In reply to "Have you learned your lesson yet?", "Why, is there a test later?"
Nope,...pop quiz and you just failed.
5. DUDE
Who do you think you are talking to? <SPANK!> <SPANK!> Address me properly <THWACK!> at all times! <THWACK!> <THWACK!> 
4. It's not my fault!
Stop whining. 
3. You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
When I'm done, the TRUTH will be prominently displayed all over your BLISTERED bottom. So the question is,.. CAN YOU HANDLE THE TRUTH? We will soon find out.
2. $#*%
*SMACK* I don't care we *SMACK* are in PUBLIC! You want to use that *SMACK* type of *SMACK* language, then *SMACK* you need *SMACK* immediate correction!!!
1. I'm a Red Sox fan.  (What can I say, I associate with many New York area spankos.)
[days later next to the tomb of the unknown student] Today we gather to mourn <insert name>; Now the student will have a friend to lay next to for eternity.

So that's the final list! By the time this is being read I should've landed at JFK and will be on my way to the SCONY weekend. If I live through this one with all the holes I've dug, lol, I'll be back next week with many stories to tell I'm sure. Have a great weekend everyone!
 

11 comments:

sugarsweethoney21 said...

Better a Red Sox fan than a Skankees fan!!!

*sugar drops the bomb and watches it float gently through the air, landing in the desert of the spanking wastelands with a lovely, resonant **THUD**

joeyred51 said...

Awesome lea. I like the responses from Arthur, but quite honestly the continuous references to wood are a little disturbing. :)

Have a safe flight and see you soon. Try to behave yourself on the bus. LOL.

joey

kiwigirliegirl said...

enjoy yourself and have a safe trip there and back - cant wait for your next posts :)

DevlinONeill said...

Very excellent list, Lea. But I have the distinct impression you won't take your own good advice, especially this weekend.

Have fun!

sarah thorne said...

hahahaha!!! I was told about this list by joey, and I have to say, they're good things to say if you really want your butt to be on fire!!

sarah

spankedfarmerswife said...

My DH would be flabbergasted if I said such things to him!!! I can tell you one thing, I would NOT be able to sit for a VERY long time!!

What is SCONY? Some kind of group?

Sammi

Lea said...

@sugar, Lol! There was more than one person who was happy to see the Yankees win and the Red Sox lose over the last few days.

@joey, I agree, a bit disturbing. Of course I behaved myself on the bus!

@kiwi, Thanks it was a great trip. Just got back today, many posts to come.

@Devlin, Hmm what gives you that impression? ;-)

@sarah, Yep that is pretty much how it worked out!

@Sammi, Yes it's the Spanking Club of New York of which I am a member. Just got back from a spanking weekend with the group. Welcome and thanks for reading!

Ursus Lewis said...

I really see no problem in #1...

Lea said...

@Urs, You are in the minority there, my friend. Honestly, I couldn't care less about baseball but in general it got the reaction I expected. :-)

eileen061209 said...

My dear lea,

Your dedication to the care and protection of so many bottoms is certainly appreciated by many...and, no doubt, monitored closely by others.

Please note that I regularly read your blog [more than any other] yet have not posted recently as I forgot my password and had to go through the process to reset it. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

Lea said...

@eileen, I'm glad you were able to recover your password. I think this list worked as a good warning for all the bottoms. I surprisingly did not hear about anyone saying one of these things and then trying to blame it on me. Lol.