Thursday, March 15, 2012

When Love Is Not Enough

In the movies, relationships seem to end in a big dramatic fight. Plates being thrown, nasty words said, feelings hurt. Real life isn't quite like that. Not my real life anyway. These things don't come from nowhere. You both know, deep down, that something isn't right. Nobody is that ignorant. It isn't necessarily set off by one particular event. Honestly, I think it was a long time coming. These thoughts had been kicked around in my head for a while now but I kept it to myself. I felt guilty like maybe I wasn't trying hard enough to make things work. That divorce means failure and should absolutely be the last option. That I should just be happy with what I have. But I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

The question I kept asking myself was this- what do you do when love is not enough? When you both aren't headed in the same direction? When the substance just isn't there anymore? There was no fighting, no anger. No voices were raised. Just soft spoken carefully measured words that struggled to leave my throat. Just sadness and tears. He said he wanted to tell me I was wrong but he couldn't. We both knew. There was no blame placed. It wasn't anyone's fault. At the root of it, we just never were the right fit for each other. Too similar in the ways that clashed and too different in the ways that mattered. He said that he loved me and would miss me and he left.

I was asked if it was about the kink. That certainly had nothing to do with it. If anything, TTWD kept us going longer than we would have made it otherwise. It gave us something new to explore and grow in together. And I don't regret any of that. We didn't part with a lot of anger or resentment. I don't have to worry about my secrets being held hostage. I'm thankful to him for that, that we can be cordial. I know that is not the case for everyone. That some people have their desires exploited and used against them. It's terrible that that happens.

A lot of people in my daily life don't even know what's going on under the surface. I've gone along my everyday and done what I always do. I seem fine to an outsider. But now when I go home at the end of the day, there's no one there waiting for me. Nobody is calling to ask about picking up my usual for dinner. I sit and stare at the indentation on my naked finger and burst into tears. I'm sad. I feel weak, and stupid for feeling weak. I've always considered myself to be an independent person. I can take care of myself. Even knowing that this is for the best, it's still so hard. I can't believe how hard.

I don't do well with change. But I'll just have to deal with it. I got married at 21. I hardly remember a life before him. I don't really know what I want anymore. That's something I'll have to figure out. I feel like I'm just suspended in space, not knowing what to do next. My family and friends who do know about all of this have been wonderful. That's really helped me in getting through this. The response has been a bit overwhelming. For those reading this who I've already talked with, thank you for all your support. It really means a lot to me. It's time to start a new chapter. I hope I'm ready for it.


Newt Kai said...

I don't know you well or you me, although you feel so familiar. :)

What I do know is in my work and life I have found that people walk the same roads. I read this, and my heart ached, for you and for my past. I loved a man and had a family and believed there would never be a end to that. Until there was.
The fear of what's next is natural. Change is hard even when you embrace it. As well just because you grew out of each other doesn't mean the love ended, it just altered. So your grieving that love.

You are not weak, stupid or foolish. You are NEW, newly single.
Every start, every new beginning, has its fumbles and thorns.
But remember that anything is possible, everything is surmountable. It just takes time.

My Papa used to tell me, when times were tough... to be a tree and bend into the wind, instead of walking straight into it.
Huge Hugs,

Susie said...

I'm so sad for you and there aren't any real words of comfort that make any difference but know that my heart is hurting for you.

I saw myself in this place day after day for about a year and it was horribly lonely. I'll be thinking about you as you walk through these next hard months.

A new chapter and the future--you'll be ready.

joeyred51 said...


Thank you Lea for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. You are a very sincere and intelligent young lady. I have nothing but respect for your courage.

You are in my thoughts each day and I hope that the positive energy I send your way helps.

Big Hug,

Erica said...

Oh, sweetie. I'm pretty quick with snark and sarcasm, but in situations like this, I'm at a loss. I want to say the perfect thing and it doesn't exist.

Please know you have lots of people in your corner and you're not alone. As for feeling weak and weepy and stupid, there's a word for people who DON'T feel that way in times like these: They're called robots.

Bobbie Jo said...

Change is not easy. I lost my hubby a year and a half ago and it was pulmonary fibrosis. It is still a major loss. I miss him.

Know that whatever you feel at any given time is normal and Erica said it perfectly. Those who are so stoic they don't seem to have any emotion are robots.

I had a therapist who told me once to lean into the pain. Hard to do, but it does make it easier. What you feel is ok. It doesn't mean you are weak; just human. I will be thinking of you.

Emen said...

I've read this 3x Lea and I still can't. I'm going to write gibberish.

Newtie said she doesn't kno if she knos you or u kno her. I been doing this a very short time but I feel like I kno you.

Read evrything you wrote & shy to comment still overall but am trying.

Divorce happens for many reasons. Statistics would hav us believe we're all a
bunch of stupid shallow idiots who can't sustain relationships. I don't believe that.

My first husband was the love of my life. The kink of my kink. I married him at 19. And one day when I was 24 he told me he couldn't be married anymore and he hoped I wouldn't miss him.

I still miss him.

Losin love is like a window in your heart
Evrybody sees your blown apart
Evrybody feels the wind blow

I got no advice. No platitudes. I feel the wind blowing thru u heart.

So sorry Angel.

Marne said...

Lea, thank you for sharing your deepest feelings with us. You are stronger than you realize. You will get through this, slowly but surely. We're all here to support you.

Huge hugs -


Anonymous said...

Lea - I just finished reading you post "When Love is Not Enough" for the 3 time and tears were in my eyes for you. There is nothing someone can say that makes this any easier, just knowing that you have friends is the best help.

I was divorced after 26 years 'because we had grown apart'. I thought my world would end but it didn't. I did meet and marry a second time to a fabulous woman and we had 10 wonderful years together before I lost her to cancer.

Your writings has helped me so much and I read in them the strength you have inside and know in the end you will be stronger. My last wife used to say "God does not give you things that will break you, only things that will make you stronger".

I know that we have not met in person but feel free to contact me if there is anything that I could possible do for you.


kiwigirliegirl said...

oh wow, im so sorry to read this post lea and i can feel your sadness. Its not easy, it never is no matter how well things ended. Change is not easy. I know, ive been there, twice (once divorce and once a long term realtionship ended).
There is light at the end of the tunnel, really there is. Just take it a day at a time. Sometimes i used to just take an hour at a time. But slowly as each day passes and the sun comes up again the next day, it gets easier.
Big hugs, thoughts are with you - and im here if you want to talk
love and huge big hugs
kiwi xxx

Kitty said...

I'm so sorry for the tough time you're going through. I'm so new to your blog, but I still wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers.


Anonymous said...

Oh Lea,

First, I agree with Erica.

You are going through a very natural grieving process. I am so sorry. I wish you did not have to hurt like this. I wish the world made more sense and only good things happened to good people.

Please know that the bad feelings, they're only temporary. You will feel better. You have the strength, and if you don't believe it, you can borrow some from your friends.

In the meantime, keep writing. It's good therapy.

Much Love,


sarah thorne said...

I understand.

I went through something similar. I am so very sorry.

I will message you for a more personal response.


SublimeWifey said...

Oh Lea,

My heart aches for you both. I don't have any words to say that will make this hurt go away or help you heal faster. I can only hope that my voice added to this chorus of support will give you the comfort you need today, tomorrow, and for as long as you need.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Lea said...

@Newt, As always, your Papa has wise words. Thank you.

@Susie, The post you recently wrote really hit home with me, when you talked about being surprised at your friend sharing about their divorce. It is such an awkward topic, there's still many people I haven't told either. Thank you for your kind words.

@joey, Thank you. Friendship always helps. {{{ }}}

@Erica, Thank you. I don't know what to say in similar situations either.

@Bobbie Jo, Thank you and I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

@Emen, Thank you for taking the time to comment.

@Marne, Good friends certainly make it a bit easier. {{{ }}}

Lea said...

@Charles, Thank you for your kind words. Friends are definitely a big help.

@kiwi, Thank you. Change is hard. I know it probably will get a bit easier as time goes on, the beginning will just be a bit rougher.

@Kitty, Thank you, I appreciate that.

@Regan, I will feel better. Everyone's support makes it a bit easier. Thank you. {{{ }}}

@sarah, I've gathered a bit of that through your own writings. Thank you for sharing.

@SublimeWifey, Thank you, I appreciate the support. I really do.

Ursus Lewis said...

Dear Lea,

I know you'll be fine. Such things are never easy, life is never easy. With time you'll find the right direction you want to head to. I know you will, you are a strong independent woman.

Looking forward to hug you soon,

Kathy said...

Dear Lea, you already know how I feel. You've become very dear to me, and I empathize with both you and J. Ray and I have been married for many years, once came close to a breakup but worked through it. We were fortunate. But had we parted ways, we'd still have survived, just as you are surviving. The people who love and care for us will always be there....and you have so many who do that for you. I count myself among them...
Big hugs,

Lea said...

@Urs, Thank you. Really looking forward to in person hugs soon.

@Kathy, Thank you for being there and for your friendship. {{{ }}}

Pink said...

I don't know the exact day that it happened, but I eventually began looking forward instead of back. And even though my ex-husband and I shared many happy events, I knew that I'd only scratched the surface.

Until I reached that point, I allowed myself some misery. That sadness taught me much about myself -- I mean, it SUCKED, but I proved that I really was independent and strong and resilient, just as you are.

Big, big hugs to you, Lea. I'm thinking about you.

Lea said...

@Pink, I can tell that you are independent and strong and resilient, even just from your writings. Thank you. *big hug*