Monday, July 1, 2013

Misadventures In Online Dating, Part Two

I was pretty direct in filling out my profile. I wrote that I am a pessimist and a realist, divorced with no kids, and don't pretend to like hiking or walking on an imaginary beach. I'm much better suited for someone who likes watching Netflix while having a beer. I find attached at the hip couples irritating and am an independent person happy to do my own thing. But ideally, a partner would have some things in common with me and we'd enjoy the time we do spend together.

Clearly I sound like a great catch. There was a section about what people notice first about me. I wrote that I'm tall and don't need strangers to point it out when we're in an elevator together. To save time I even answered the usual follow up questions. "Do I play basketball?" If I was in the WNBA I probably wouldn't be standing here responding to your dumb ass. "Are your parents tall?" No, they're god damn Keebler elves.

That's caused a lot of funny messages. "What's it like having Keebler elves for parents? It must've been uncomfortable growing up in a tree when you're six feet tall." My reply- "It was a Redwood." I've had many inquiries about what I like to watch on Netflix and if I've seen the newest season of Arrested Development. I really need to catch up on that because everyone keeps talking about it.

 In Erica Scott's CHoS style, here are some of the real winners in correspondence. The good, the bad, and the grammatically butchered.

"A fucking tall pessimist who hates hiking is the perfect woman." I actually liked that one. A man after my own heart.

"I'm bored with life. I also have a child." Uh... my condolences?

"Hi. Summer is here." Yes it is and that's why I'm reading this indoors.

"Would you ever take martial arts? Do you punch or kick better? How high can you kick? Chest high?" 
Is this leading to a ball crushing inquiry? I didn't think I was on Fetlife right now...

"Do you date shorter guys?" Well that's just about everyone to me, so yes.

"I could be there in 15 minutes." If that's not a creepy way to start a conversation, I don't know what is!

"I'm in town for the weekend and looking for a cool girl to hang out with." Good luck sorting through the line of them outside your door.

"I desire you." He had 50 shades in his screen name. 

"U is hot!" U is stupid!

"I've never seen someone on here that I had such a low match with." That was the whole message. Okay... you just felt the need to share that?

"I think your way gorgeous and would love to chat with you." You had me until your.

"Your gorgeous. Are you taken?" That poor your again.

"Wow I love your smile." Finally, the right your!
"I am in an open marriage and ideally looking for a friends with benefits thing." At least he was honest. But can I attract anyone who is actually available? Ever??

"I am getting ready to go out and mow some lawsns." Would that be a cousin of the lawn?

"hi. Yor so cut. Can I have your number. I like to see you." Look at the picture, it'll last longer.

Some of the winning screen names I've seen are NotGonnaMurderU and injailoutsoon. Man, his inbox is going to be full upon his release!

Ah, the internet.


Erica said...

ROFL! Nicely done!

I am SO glad I'm not the only one who gets this kind of crap. Scary, isn't it?

Anonymous said...


Very funny in a pathetic sort of way. I really loved your answers. Bad grammar and poor spelling, what a turn on. Not!!!!!

Miss you.


Marne said...

Oh, Lea, that would be so funny if it wasn't true!

kiwigirliegirl said...

Scary to think those people are out there :-)

Our Bottoms Burn said...

Reading such always makes me cringe for being male. SUch losers.

As for height, I am 6'4" and aside from ducking a lot things, I think I am normal.

However, when I see a woman over 6 feet, I can not take my eyes off of her. I want to look away. Thankfully I only see one every year or so.

Kenzie said...

These are hilarious. Well, hilarious and sad, lol. Keep sorting through those 'winners' and eventually you'll find the right one.. because remember..

u is hot! :)

Anonymous said...

I have actually had better luck meeting people on Fetlife than the Vanilla dating sites. Quality over quantity, and yes that's depressing.

The people I've seen on [nilla dating site 1] were gross, creepy, and actually "moved too fast", while the people on Fetlife were more selective and straight forward about what they wanted and their interest level. On Fetlife there is also apparently more of an acceptance that people have limits and like to take things at a different pace. The whole consent culture also means discussion of such things is more accepted/expected.

Likewise, I feel more comfortable fending off creepers on Fetlife than on the 'nilla sites.

I have met lots of people in person through Fetlife. I have only ever felt comfortable enough to meet one person through a 'nilla dating site. Everyone else scared me away.

Also: dating blows.

Lea said...

@Erica, Yep. Sometimes all you can do is laugh!

@joey, Oh there must be a person out there who has a fetish for bad grammar. Boy do they have a lot of dating opportunities!

@Marne, It still can be pretty funny. ;-)

@kiwi, Yep, they sure are.

@Our Bottoms Burn, You can't take your eyes off them because you're attracted to them or because it's rare to see tall women?

@Kenzie, I sure is! Haha

@Greeneyez, Those are good points. Even with stating up front that I'm not looking for casual hook-ups, I still get those kinds of messages.

The first guy I ever met from the site was surprisingly forward and aggressive. I've never met anyone from Fetlife for dating purposes. Most in my area seem to be married/with someone already.