Sunday, April 1, 2012

Adopt-A-Top Telethon

In an online conversation, someone once said, "tops have trouble hearing and are delusional. We need to have a telethon." It cracked me up and an idea was born. I even came up with a name for it. The Adopt-A-Top Telethon! Doesn't it sound perfect? Just picture it. We can get Sarah McLachlan to be the spokesperson. We all know how she can tug at the heartstrings with those ASPCA ads. We'll even pay her extra to NOT sing "Angel."

Imagine how it would all be set up. "Do you know a top who has trouble typing, reading, and lacks other basic skills? For just $20 a month, you can make a difference." Donated funds could go into some sort of mentorship program to increase a top's social and/or technological skills. We've all seen how they can fall behind in conversation. It can be a struggle to type quickly and spell correctly. And their poor memories! They have such a hard time keeping track of things, they insist on writing everything down and keeping these long lists of offenses! What a waste of paper!

There could be a whole slew of supplies we could provide them with in this fundraising effort. Things like Ginkgo Biloba to help their memory skills. How many times have you heard a top say "Yes, what?" Poor people can't remember what they wanted you to say! And all the counting numbers is just their way of trying to remember what order they go in. We want our tops at their healthiest, don't we? Because we care. For that matter, we can offer a pharmacy program so all the tops can get the meds they need to balance out their delusions in thinking everyone is so naughty all the time.

Another good item would be big finger keyboards to help with typing skills. It takes a lot of skill to type threats repeatedly, after all. You don't want any typos mixed in or the bottom may not understand what you're getting at. It's all about effective communication! We are here to help you, tops. Don't worry! Many other supplies would be needed. Things like arm slings, ice packs, and bandages for when the diligent top injures their hand and/or arm. You know, rest can cure that too!

Found on Not My Original Vows
Tops also have problems with smiling and being expressive. We could have some sort of smile clinic to help teach them how to change their facial expressions. We've all heard the saying "It takes 43 muscles to frown, and only 17 to smile." So smile, tops, smile! We don't want you to get wrinkles, we want you looking your best! Perhaps we can add to the list of supplies something like laughing gas. That way we can teach the tops how to have a sense of humor. That sounds like a great idea.

Watch your local PBS listings for the Adopt-A-Top Telethon nearest you! Adopt-A-Top: Because We Care!

Call 1-800-LEA-IS-SO-DEAD now to make your pledge! You can make a difference!

P.S. It's April Fool's Day so this was all said in a completely joking manner and should not be taken seriously by any of the tops who figured out how to read/write/log on to a computer long enough to see this post. :-D


Marne said...

Dear Lea,

Attached is my check for $20 to adopt Mr. G. He would surely benefit from meds!



P.S. Very funny post! (Mr. G. doesn't read your blog...does he?)

Anonymous said...

Dear Lea,

You are very safe. Almost all of the tops we know use their laptops, the few that have them, as paper weights.

Very funny post Lea.

Happy April Fools Day,


Bobbie Jo said...

Love it, love it. Really great Lea. I have had a good laugh. Thank you!

Angel said...

Lea - I only support causes that involve animals. Maybe if we can get a top to walk around on 4 legs, cover their ears with fur, and look cute, I'd send them my $20 - or a biscuit!

Anonymous said...

I'm in! I am ALL in! This is an idea whose time has come. The pharmacy program alone is a bargain at twice the price! Talk about hypersensitive! Jeez. Let's get 'em some medical marijuana, stat!

That was hysterical, Lea! I am just about laughing my fool head off! You have totally made my April Fool's day!


marriedamusicman said...

I just wanted to thank you for commenting on my story at PK's.
It was all fictional, but just like "Liz" and you--I am not a morning person either!
Regards---funny post

Lea said...

@marne, Way to help out! Does Mr. G read the blog? "Whaddaya kiddin me with dat?" The only time I've been busted for mentioning him was when Alicia personally read a post to him!

@joey, Yes that is a good point and one I took into consideration. ;-) Glad you enjoyed it!

@Bobbie Jo, Thank you! Always happy to cause a laugh!

@Angel, Hmm, I'm sure Sarah McLachlan could bring some puppies for the tops to hold and look less scary.

@Regan, Haha, medical marijuana, I left that out. I did just edit in a section about their smiling issues. Left that out the first time.

@marriedamusicman, Hi and thanks for stopping by! I really enjoyed your story!

bree said...

Lea, I wanted to donate to this worthy cause. So I called that number and it said there is no active promotion associated with this number any longer and it has temporarily been disabled.

On the other hand, you must be relieved that 1-800-lea-is-so-dead doesn't exist anymore huh? least temporarily. ;)

SnP said...

Love this! Very clever :)

Spanky said...

Your posts are always good, but this one is a classic! Well done.

Kathy said...

Lea, if tops suddenly developed reading skills, this is the post they'd come across accidentally...LOLOL! You're a riot!!<3

Lea said...

@bree, Lol, maybe it's good the number is out of order! I can give you my PayPal info for donations. ;-)

@SnP, Thanks for stopping by!

@Spanky, Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

@Kathy, Haha, good thing there's not a high chance of that happening!

Dr. Ken said...

If she does try to sing, can I spank Sarah McLachlan as a Public Service spot?

Dr. Ken

ronnie said...

Oh Lea, very funny and clever post. Thanks.


Emen said...

Funeral services will be held for Lea as soon as the body is located. Her spanking family requests instead of flowers unused implements be donated to worthy recipients.

Jane said...


LOL this is great. Thanks for a good laugh! :-)


Lea said...

@Dr. Ken, Sure! Anything to keep from having to hear that song!

@ronnie, Thanks! Glad you liked it!

@Emen, Lol! Well, the tops have to learn how to locate and read this first. I'm probably safe. ;-)

@Jane, Glad you enjoyed it!

Anonymous said...

So glad I am a computer-literate bottom, Lea, so that I could roar with laughter at this GREAT post! Only I was disappointed at the P.S. You mean Adopt-a-Top isn't real?!

sarah thorne said...

Okay, so....

On a spanking discussion forum in a galaxy far, far away, there was an ongoing joke that poor Tops had one shared brain cell between them. They couldn't help it, you see, because that one cell was so taxed. Not to mention, they must take turns with it, so on any given day, you are likely dealing with a Top who doesn't happen to have the brain cell that day.

Of course, that leads me to this; some of the money could be used to fund a brain cell garden! Then, and ONLY then, would they be able to go through the workshops that the rest of the money is funding! :)


bree said...

@sarah ROTFLMAO!!!

playful little brat said...

This is a great post! Got such a good laugh all the way through it.

Erica said...

I am late to this party, but this is a keeper! Sooooooo funny. I especially liked the toll-free number. :-D

Lea said...

@maggie-philly, Oh, I'm sure we can make it real! ;-)Glad you enjoyed it!

@sarah, Hahaha, yes I love it! Brain cell garden! We can make that happen!

@playful little brat, Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for stopping by!

@Erica, Sadly I've been informed the number isn't currently in service, but I'm sure I'll have a story in the future about how this attempt at good will for tops turned out for me! ;-)

wordsmth said...

So funny... if only I could make out what it was about :D

SublimeWifey said...

Oh Lea, I feel like you're just looking for trouble! Don't you have a spanking weekend coming up in less than a month? I'll be thinking of you and hope all the tops in your life don't try to contribute to your tele-fund with spanks instead of dollars. :-)

Lea said...

@wordsmith, Aww did you forget your reading for tops decoder glasses?

@SublimeWifey, My trip is next week actually! Good thing most of the tops I know don't read! ;-)