Sunday, July 8, 2012

Basket Case

Yesterday would have been my fifth wedding anniversary. Did you know that the fifth is supposedly the wood anniversary? Guess I got out of that just in time. Lol. The last few months have been hard. Harder than I thought they would be. And it's not even about him. I don't want to reconcile. I don't want him back.

It's about me. I don't feel like I know what to do with myself sometimes. I've always felt I was a pretty level-headed person. Always the mature one in my groups of friends throughout life, the one who others came to for advice on their own problems. But lately, I feel like a complete basket case. I think I've cried every single day for the last few weeks. I'm not a crier.

I don't want to jump into another marriage, that's for sure. That wouldn't help anything anyway. I have to work on myself and figure out what I even want before worrying about anybody else. And that's the scary part. I don't really know where to begin. How can you expect someone else to love or care for you when you don't love yourself? That's the question that has been eating at me for a while now. And I don't have an answer.

I've always thought I was pretty good at being alone. In past relationships I wasn't a super clingy type. Definitely not one of those annoying makes-me-want-to-hit-them-attached-at-the-hip couples. Lol. I was happy doing my own thing, having my own friends and interests, and all of that. Being completely dependent on someone was never my personality. It's not a matter of feeling like I can't go on without having someone in my life. I know I can. I'm an independent adult. But that doesn't mean I don't miss having someone around in certain moments.

I think the part that has been really hard in this change (aside from the fact I don't adjust well to change, even if I know the change is for the better in the long run) is it has brought to the surface all the insecurities I've always had about myself. I'm too tall, I'm not pretty enough, I'm pessimistic. Who would even want me anyway? I know that's not productive thinking but those are things that have been on my mind. And I have at least one friend who would totally beat my ass if he heard me talking bad about myself. Lol.

I probably have my own self-image too tied up in how I perceive others feel about me. And that's not good. As much as I say "whatever, I don't care what others think about me" that's not really true. Is it even possible to really not care about what other people think? I do care, particularly when it's someone close to me whose opinion means a lot. I'd think that's the case for many. I feel like I'm rambling. The plan? Focus on myself. How to do that? I still don't know.


SNP said...

Ahh, Lea. I am sorry you've cried every day. Change is hard even if it is a good change. Well, good plan to focus on yourself a little bit and try to figure out where you want to go. I guess I'll say don't look back. You can't go back, but you can move forward in positive ways. HUGS!!

Anonymous said...


When you say that you are working on yourself, I hope you mean that you are working on accepting yourself. We all have flaws. We all have areas we need to improve upon. That's life. But you do not need to torture yourself about these short comings.

It is stunning to me that you are insecure about your looks. I think you could be a model. Right now. Seriously. It was one of my first thoughts about you when I met you. But believe it or not, that doesn't matter much in the long run. Looks change. Beauty fades. You happen to also be blessed with the gifts of being smart, articulate and funny. You are fun to be around. You are so open, it's easy to like you. You have much to offer!

You are perfectly okay as you are.


Anonymous said...

as regan said, you are effin great. smart. funny. beautiful. i am so glad to know you ... and beat you. :-)


Marne said...

Lea, you are trying to break a five year habit cold-turkey. You are going to have withdrawal, and peaks and valleys. Keep your friends close for comfort and support. We love you for the person you are!

Erica said...

Sweetie -- can I just say that how you're feeling is absolutely normal? You had life as you know it turned upside down. You will probably continue to feel unsettled, insecure and at loose ends for a while -- just ride with it. And then one day, you'll come to the end of it and say, "Hey! I didn't cry!" And then slowly, you'll start moving toward life's next stage, whatever that may be for you.

Yeah. Feeling like this sucks. Remember my favorite cheesy saying -- The depth of your despair will be the height of your joy. Look forward to that; it helps me to ride out the bad times. xo

Pink said...

Long distance hugs to you, Lea.

Everything you're feeling is 100% normal. Finding yourself back in the dating world, where there are many superficial people, is bound to bring out insecurities.

I found it especially hard because my ex didn't love me for how I looked, but for who I I expected others to immediately see everything it took him years to discover. So the change was drastic -- suddenly I was no longer perceived in a deep and meaningful way, but in a "what can you do for me immediately" sort of way, and that really heightened my insecurities. Too tall. Big nose. Crazy hair. Bad dancer. :P

It did get better, but only after I spent many nights crying into my pillow, and more nights reflecting on what made me me, so I no longer operated on others' definitions.

Hugs again.

Anonymous said...


When you are feeling poorly, think about all the friends you have that love you for who you are. I am sure it is a very large list of people.

You are very pretty, witty, tall(lucky you), have a beautiful singing voice and a kind spirit.

And, plenty of people who like to spank you. LOL.

You will find love!

Big Hug,

Lea said...

@SNP, Yes there is no going backwards. Thank you. *hugs*

@Regan, I hadn't cried yet today until I read that. Thanks a lot! Lol. *big hug*

@S, I appreciate your kind words. And your beatings. ;-)

@Marne, I do have a lot of great friends. Thanks for being one of them.

@Erica, Time heals all wounds, right? But I'm impatient! I do like that favorite quote of yours. Thank you.

@Pink, Thank you for sharing that. We tall people have issues, don't we? ;-) *hugs*

@joey, I definitely have some great friends. Thank you for your kind words.

Susie said...

During the hard times I will periodically get through a day and realize that I didn't cry. Then I smile and wonder if I was burying stuff...and if the answer is no, I smile and realize that it was a good day.

I'm hoping on some good days for you coming up real soon. Until then, keep crying and thinking and knowing that who you are and what you have to offer others is already beautiful. No question about it!

Ana said...

Aw...I'm so sorry to hear that things have been difficult. I hope that they ease up a bit.

I don't know about you, but when I work hard at accepting myself I usually fail. It's pretty hard. Maybe you can call up a nice friend and have a cry-a-thon? Or find a new hobby/skill that you can develop?

I think it's a lot healthier to let yourself feel sad at perfectly legitimate reasons to be sad...than to try to pretend things are okay. Here's hoping that tears will be cleansing and healing and that they will pave the way for smiles later on.

ronnie said...


I agree with other comments - what your feeling is perfetly normal and yes it will get better.

I am really sorry your feeling like this but upwards and onwards Lea.

Love and hugs,

Anonymous said...

I love the sign you have on this post. When you've had that other person around for so long, whether or not you mean for it to happen, they become a part of you and change you in so many small ways. Breakups are hard on all parties, regardless of who dumped who for that reason. You might not miss that person, but rather that there was a constant, or some effect or other that they had.

I kinda thought I'd be throwing myself a party every day after I had my own breakup and going to fetish/spanking parties in the city every weekend. HAH! I wish. I'm also having that "So now what the fuck do I do NOW?" feeling too.

This time next year, we'll look back and it'll all be a memory and some bloggery.

Until then, keep on trucking!!

Now,excuse me while I go be a sad girl eating a potato. Potatoes are such a sad food. They just look like the Eeyore of the food world.

Lea said...

@Susie, Thank you. I'm going to have to start calling you Miss Positivity. ;-)

@Ana, It is hard and most are not new issues. Thank you for your comment.

@ronnie, I think it will, I'm just not very patient. Lol. Thank you. *hug*

@Kitsune Greeneyez, Eeyore of the food world. Lol! Thank you for your comment.

Emen said...

Sorry so late. Having phone problems. I'm sorry for your loss. I know that grief. I know those feelings. Tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of my second marriage. I never thought I'd get married again, either. And I still grieve the loss of the first.

You're doing fine. Everything that's happening is natural. Not fun, but not unnatural. I don't know if there's an awful lot of work you need to do on you. I think you're pretty extraordinary. Just let it show. He's out there and he's going to notice. He'll recognize you.

Take care of your sweet self. :)

Kaelah said...

Several things that you mentioned sound very familiar to me, Lea! I don't adjust well to changes, either, and I have my insecurities, especially when it comes to the question of being an attractive woman. And, it has taken me quite a while to learn how to love myself unconditionally. I've got no simple solution but what I try to do is to simply take good care of myself, just like I would do with others who are close to me. That means listening to my own needs (my body usually tells me very clearly what I need, I just used to ignore it) and trying to do little things that make me happy (like taking a cosy bubble bath when I am tired). It's just little things in practise but the basic thought that I deserve to be respected, cared for and loved by myself without having to prove myself worthy the whole time makes a fundamental difference.

You mentioned a second aspect which made me think: Like you, I consider(ed) myself to be a rather strong and independent woman. I didn't have a boyfriend for a long time and I got along very well. But now that I have found Ludwig, I know how great it can be to have a mate. And I think if our love fell apart, I would never be able to go back to those old times when being alone was completely okay for me. Because now I know how good it can be to have a mate. So, I guess there are experiences which alter our lives forever and change us. It would be interesting to know for how many people it's the same with living out their spanking fantasies. I guess I'll write a post about that, soon. Again, I don't think there is a simple solution. But I am quite sure about one thing: That you are able to show your feelings instead of suppressing them and to analyse the situation (and what you want and don't want) so well at the same time is a very good thing. Maybe this is really the time to look more after yourself for a while. And I keep my fingers crossed that some unexpected happy surprises will await you on your way!

playful little brat said...

Aww, pretty much everything has been said in the comments, so I just want to say that i'm sorry you have to go through something painful like that, but I think anything like that makes us stronger in the end.. so here's to hoping thats the case, and sending lots of hugs your way!

Lea said...

@Emen, Thank you. I'm sorry that you still struggle with that as well.

@Kaelah, Thank you for sharing that. "..the basic thought that I deserve to be respected, cared for and loved by myself without having to prove myself worthy the whole time makes a fundamental difference." That is something to think on.

@playful little brat, Thanks for your comment. *hugs*

Dave Wolfe said...

I'm sorry you're in pain, Lea; it might help a little to find things to look forward to, big or little, as you move through the transition.

Laughter is pretty good aspirin; I took regular doses of Marx Brothers movies.

And you can see that you have lots of love and support.

If that red-headed kid comes out singing, "The sun will come out tomorrow" I'll smack her butt. But you will feel better, I promise.

Lea said...

@Dave Wolfe, I do plenty of laughing, even if at myself. Focusing on little things to be happy about is a good idea and I do have several things to be thankful for. Thank you for your comment.

Jean said...

Lea, What others have said about it being normal is very true. Change, any changem, especially such a life changing one will bring emotions. I have had to learn to let the emotions just happen and experience them as they come. I am thinking of you. Maybe coming up with a new recipe for peeps will help.

Lea said...

@Jean, Coming up with a new recipe for Peeps is always a good thing. :-) Thank you.