Sunday, October 23, 2011

Finding "The One"

I posted this in my writing on FetLife and wanted to share it here. (If you'd like to find me on FetLife, you can do so here )

When I was a kid, I used to write up little lists of the qualities I wanted to find in a future partner. It ranged from realistic to ridiculous depending on my mood. Things that often made the list were 1) Having a good sense of humor (Hey, I was snarky even as a 10 year old and knew that would be important.) 2) Being nice 3) Being at least 6 feet tall 4) Liking children 5) Being a return missionary (Yep, things change with age.) 6) Having a name that starts with J. (That was my Justin Timberlake phase.)

Nothing about spanking made the list. Though that interest had developed at a young age for me, I didn't really know what to do with it. I didn't discover that there was even a lifestyle for people who thought like I did until a few years ago. I married at the ripe age of 21. His name does start with a J, he's nice and funny, I guess he likes children. (We don't have any.) He's 5'9'' and was vanilla. 4 out of 6 ain't bad.

Would I say I settled? No. I'd say I was more open minded allowing more opportunities for myself. I love my husband. He is who he is and I am who I am. Note that I said he was vanilla. Now I'd call him a swirl. He was very open and accepting of my kink when I finally got around to telling him about it and very willing to try. We found a way to make things work for us and it's always evolving. Are we on the same wavelength about everything? No. Are things perfect? No. I play with other people in a group that I'm a part of. He's not interested in the social aspects of the scene so I do that side of things solo and we're both fine with that.

So many people are searching for "The One." It is difficult enough to find a partner in the vanilla world but when you add a spanking kink as a must into the mix, it'd really narrow down the pool. Everyone has their own standards but at what point are you just setting yourself up for disappointment by expecting too much? Can one person really meet every need that you have? Is it so wrong to have several different people who meet different needs for you? Thinking of the friends realm, I don't have one friend who shares every single interest and wants to do everything with me all the time. But I have Friend A who will always get sushi with me. Friends B and C are always down to go bar-hopping. Friend D loves to see every new movie as soon as it comes out. With everyone combined, I have a companion for all my interests.

If by some unforseen circumstance I ever found myself searching for a partner again, I'm not sure what I might do differently now that TTWD is such a prominent thing in my life. It would be difficult to go back to not having it, but not impossible. For all those who are searching for "The One," I wish you luck. Remember, nobody is perfect. It's about finding who is the perfect fit for you.


findingsara said...

Good points. I also think making a good marriage is a whole lot about WANTING to make a good marriage. My husband and I are so very different in lots of ways, but we truly love each other, and we work hard to make room for each of our differences, and we try to focus on the big stuff and ignore the small stuff. Personally, I don't believe there is one "right one", but rather opportunities, choices and commitment, and lots of hard work. Sara

Anonymous said...

Very thoughtful and interesting post lea. The day I met my wife I knew I wanted to marry her. My list included kindness, generosity, good sense of humor, shared values, and common interests. More than 30 years later I can honestly say that I adore her and love her more today than the day we first met. And, she is now a top. So I am very, very lucky guy.

I hope all those searching for "The One" are just as fortunate as me.

Have a great week,

Pink said...

Great topic, Lea!

Often I thought I was approaching things backward by announcing my need for TTWD upfront. Before I acknowledged the importance of spanking in my life, I would get to know the PERSON, the whole person, while dating. Suddenly, I was focusing on a very tiny (but important) part of the person. The results? A whole lot of guys I wasn't compatible with.

When I find myself dating again, I'm going the vanilla route. My bedroom activities will be shared later, but not too late. And if he has no such instincts, perhaps he can be persuaded. :)



Season said...

Well said, Lea! Even though Michael and I met on a spanking blog, most of our conversations, when getting to know each other, were always about all the other things we have in common, and also sharing and enjoying our differences. That's how we went from being acquaintances, to friends, and then to falling in love and getting married. And while spanking is a part of our life together, it is not what our relationship is built upon.

Lea said...

@Sara, As always your thoughts are so dead on. I totally agree.

@joey, That's wonderful and she sounds great. You are a lucky guy indeed.

@Pink, It would be really difficult to balance the two, deciding if you will let other things slide just to get the kink part. If any guy needed to be persuaded I'm sure you'd be just the woman for the job. ;-)

@Season, I'm so happy for you and Michael. Although TTWD does run deep, it certainly still takes more than that to make a relationship work.

alex reynolds said...

What you mentioned about not needing to find one person who satisfies all your needs has always been sort of a cornerstone of my attitude towards relationships. I basically *have* to have multiple people in my life to be happy, because I like sex, I like spanking and I don't like doing the two things with the same person.

That said, I've been incredibly lucky to find someone who works well with me as a person and in a D/s sense: we share an unusually high level of compatibility.

Lea said...

@alex, And that's great! Everyone should do whatever works for them.