Woman-speak

A while back, a friend of mine was complaining about how her boyfriend didn't do anything for her birthday. Of course, this was after she told him that she doesn't like to have a big deal made about her birthday and to not do anything. Poor fool, he took her literally. Don't let this happen to you, get fluent in Woman-speak now! I wrote this English-to-Spanko dictionary post in the past, but figured that adding Woman-speak and Man-speak to your knowledge wouldn't hurt.

Here are some common things you may hear a woman say and what it really means. (from http://www.innocentenglish.com/)

* Yes….No

* No…..Yes

* Maybe.…No

* We need….I want

* I am sorry…..You’ll be sorry

* We need to talk….You’re in trouble
(This one applies to Top-Bottom speak as well.)

* Sure, go ahead.…You better not

* Do what you want….You will pay for this later

* I am not upset.…Of course I'm upset, you moron!

* You’re attentive tonight.…Is sex all you ever think about?

Here's a few more elaborated. (from http://www.joe-ks.com/)

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

Thanks A Lot: This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing."

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Man-speak on the other hand is usually pretty easy to figure out. (from http://www.innocentenglish.com/)

* I am hungry.…I am hungry

* I am sleepy….I am sleepy

* I am tired.…I am tired

* Nice dress.…Nice cleavage!

* I love you.…Let’s have sex now

* I am bored....Do you want to have sex?

* May I have this dance?.…I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I call you sometime?....I’d like to have sex with you.

* Do you want to go to a movie?.…I’d like to have sex with you.

* Can I take you out to dinner?....I’d like to have sex with you.

* I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit....I’m gay.

These are stereotypes of course, but I've encountered enough of them to know they can be true. I've been guilty of some of these myself.

Do you want to get something to eat? .... I'm hungry but am only going to eat if you do because eating in front of someone who isn't eating makes me self conscious.

Are you going to get the stuff out of the car? .... Go get the stuff out of the car, already.

Do you want to come with me to my parents house for dinner? .... You haven't come the last several times and it'll really score you points if you come along.

I have a headache. ... Headache or not, I know what you initiating a backrub means and it isn't happening tonight.

Why don't you do it yourself? .... It's been too long since my last spanking.