Dear Top

For the tops

Dear Top,

I know that I can be a handful. Stubborn, frustrating even. I give mixed signals at times. I tell you what I wish for you to do but then when you do it I react indignantly. I constantly change my mind about what I want and am maddeningly indecisive. You give me an inch and I want a mile. I push and push until I've gone far over the edge. 

But I need you to push back. Sometimes I have to test that you're still with me. That this isn't just a silly thing all in my head. I know it's not easy for you to fight me. To watch me burn holes through that corner with my glare after you've told me to stand there. To hear me cry No more although my tearful eyes are pleading with you to go on. 

I used to scoff when I heard "This hurts me more than it hurts you," but I believe that sometimes it does. I tease you endlessly and tell you how mean you are. But we both know that you are not. That can be our little secret. I know that you do this because you care. Because you want what is best for me. You follow through even when I'm kicking and screaming because you know I need you to.

I'm sorry that I can make it so hard. I do truly appreciate all that you do. Thank you for caring enough to push back. Thank you for making me stop and think sometimes. Thank you for giving me what I need, even when it's not what I want. Being a top is a tough job, but someone's gotta do it. Thank you for being that someone.

Sincerely,

Lea

Luau!

I have a party update to share, but first something to whine about. A friend recently sold me on the wonder that is Google Play so I downloaded it and went through the options to upload my whole music collection to the program aka the Google Cloud. I have over 40 GB of music so this takes a LONG time. And a warning to anyone who chooses to do this- once the uploading process starts, you can't stop it. You either download your collection or don't, but there are no other options in the program. There is no pause once it gets going. And it's been using up nearly all my bandwidth making my internet pretty much unusable. 

That is why I couldn't write this post when I originally wanted it up on Thursday. Grr. Just trying to read someone else's blog and write a comment took almost 10 minutes to load the page. S helped me find an option to at least slow the upload speed so that I can actually use my computer in the meantime. Which is how I'm writing this now. Anyway, you've been warned should you decide to use that program and upload your own collection. How does it actually work other than that? I'll know in 8 more days when it's actually finished with all my music. Lol.

So back to the party update. Last weekend I attended a luau themed play party. I often don't dress up for the themes but this time I did. I found a sarong that I got a few years ago in Hawaii and wore that as a skirt. I also had a shell necklace that came from Hawaii, courtesy of my friend tb. And I wore my Peeps flip flops just because. I figured if anything they could be a conversation piece. Or conversation Peeps, as S said. It's okay if you cringed. I did too when he said it.                                      

Most people were dressed for the theme. There were coconut bras and grass skirts and leis all around. There were many dishes for the food table involving Spam. People are very inventive with the food. I'm lazy and don't cook so did not contribute anything. I should've brought Peeps, I still have over 20 boxes left to go through. I really wished I had when I found out later that they had a firepit. Peep roast! Or I could've turned them into kabobs of some sort. Peeps and pineapple slices on a skewer. Hmm, maybe next time. One of the group leaders had made cake balls which were sooo good. I think I had like 100 of them. Lol.

There was a good crowd there. A lot of folks that I know and many new ones too. I don't think many people know who I am though. I'm terribly antisocial. I really don't try to be. I'm very shy when I don't know people well yet and often don't know what to say. When you are a woman as tall as I am, it's pretty hard to just blend into the background. But after years of practice I've apparently succeeded at doing that. Lol. So if you were at this party and are reading this wondering who the hell I am, it happens.  

                               

I did play once with S. I don't play a lot at the parties because 1. I've only played with one person locally and 2. there isn't the available privacy that I'm used to. With the SCONY parties, you can play in a public area if you choose to. But there are also lots of spaces set up for private play. And that's always what I've done. Having people watching me gives me anxiety. I feel like the odd man out with my aversion to public play because here it's pretty common since that's just how things are set up. It's what people are used to. And that's fine, it's just very different for me.

S and I searched for a unoccupied area to play and found one. I was soon bent over the couch with my skirt raised and he started spanking me with his hand. The toy bag was emptied as he made his way through a few straps and a flogger. The noise seemed to have attracted some attention and out of the corner of my eye I could see some people wander into the room. I tried to ignore that and closed my eyes to focus on the spanking. The longer thin leather strap really got me squirming. I think that's the one that left a welt or two that I could feel throughout the night. I was fairly quiet though, my oww's muffled into the top of the couch. Things wrapped up and we hugged and returned to the rest of the party.

Despite my ridiculous social anxiety, I did have a good time. It was a fun group and the people that I do know and talk to, I enjoyed seeing. And that is my party story. In other news, I see that this past week I've reached over 100 followers on this blog. Hooray! I don't know if all of them are still reading, but to all who are, thank you! I hope it's been entertaining! Have a good weekend everybody.

 

Evolution Inevitable?

There was a good brunch discussion over at Bonnie's last week. The topic was the idea of spanking being a kind of "gateway drug" for other forms of BDSM. There were a lot of interesting responses to it if you read through the post linked above. This is something I've heard a lot of different takes on and have thought about myself. In short, my answer is no. I don't believe that spanking has to lead the way to any other activities.

I'll explain why I feel that way. And I'm just talking about my personal take on it and how this all works for me. I consider myself a spanko. It has been my primary "kink" or interest for about as long as I can remember. There are a million different ways to do things within the realm of spanking. We all have our own interests and preferences with everything from implements and positions to types of spankings and individual headspaces. Spanking is an activity, part of a lifestyle for some, in it's own right.

Does that mean I've never changed my mind about something or tried new things I didn't think I would? No. I have. I've found things that I really enjoyed and also found what I didn't wish to do again. But if an initial spark of interest wasn't already there, I wouldn't have tried it. The world of spanking may more easily expose one to all sorts of other things, but that doesn't mean you want to do them all. I hate the saying "don't knock it til you've tried it." I don't need to be stabbed in the arm with scissors to know it'll hurt.

I've attended parties as part of a spanking group and I've attended BDSM events. It's like comparing apples to oranges. Nothing is wrong with one or the other, it's just different. I've seen people suspended from the ceiling with rope. While I can observe the intricacy of these scenes and how beautiful it can be, does that mean I want to participate in it? No. I like chocolate and I like peanut butter and I like them both together. But there are people out there who hate Reese's. You are who you are and you like what you like.

There are no kink Olympics. Not that I'm aware of anyway. Lol. I don't do what I do to prepare for anything else. I'm not training with spanking to work my way up to some other activity. If something else interests me, then maybe I'll try it. But I don't feel like I'm required to experiment with anything and everything in an effort to reach some end goal. There are no kinkster merit badges to be attained. Pandora  may disagree. ;-) This thing may be a journey, but there's no obligation to try different paths if you like the one you are on.

I think it's wonderful that there's so much variety in the world of kink. It's interesting to learn more about what other people do, even if I don't wish to participate in it myself. If you like doing one thing, great. If you like doing 20 different things, great. Do what you want to do. Play on. If someone wants to sit and eat their chocolate ice cream in peace, don't try to shove butter pecan at them.

My Favorite Things

I haven't parodied a song in a while, so here goes. I hope you enjoy my spanko twist on The Sound Of Music classic.

My Favorite Things

Rosy spanked bottom that's sore when I'm sittin'

Bending over for spankings in the kitchen

Cane-iac packages tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things

Cute colored panties with pictures of poodles

Dreaming of spankings all day while I doodle

The sound of a belt whipped off before it swings

These are a few of my favorite things

Tops in white dress shirts, sleeves rolling in a flash

Getting The Look that makes me want to dash

Anticipation that makes my hands wring

These are a few of my favorite things

When the strap bites

When the cane stings

When I'm feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don't feel so bad

Scoldings over things I shouldn't have written

Reminded there are times my tongue should be bitten

Damn, I forgot how much his hand can sting

Why were these some of my favorite things?

It wasn't smart saying his arm spanked like a noodle

Now I'm gonna get it, the whole kit and kaboodle

The paddle comes down hard making my ears ring

I need to reassess my favorite things!

Why does it seem our logic always clashes?

I pout out my lip and bat my eyelashes

He's not falling for it and makes the cane sing

Leaving furious lines until to him I cling

When the strap bites

When the cane stings

When I'm feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don't feel so bad

Indecision

The other night I was planning to hang out with my friend S. There had been a mention about going out to dinner somewhere. He told me that he was going to spank me until I decided where I'd like to get dinner. I didn't think he was being serious. Where do you think this story is going?

I'm the first to admit that I can be quite indecisive. This trait can really annoy some people. I don't know that it's even about not being able to decide something, it's just that I'm very neutral and okay with doing what the other person wants to do. Lea= doormat. You could put it that way too, I suppose.

Have you ever read the book The Color Code by Taylor Hartman? It's one of those personality test type things. Some think it's crappy pop psychology, but I found it to be kind of interesting. I'm a "white" personality across the board. Categorized as the peace-keepers. They are kind, considerate, patient, accepting, and good at constructing thoughts. They also don't express conflict or commonly share what they're feeling, may be unwilling to set goals, and can be very self-deprecating. Ha. Me? Never!

On my recent trip back to NYC, I was at the grocery store with two of my friends. R was asking me if I wanted a, b, or c out of some things she was picking out. As I stood there still thinking, A shook his head and said "Don't ask her or we'll be here all night," and laughed. But it was so true. Lol. I really didn't care, I was fine with whatever they wanted to get.

Fast forward back to the other night. S came over and indeed followed through on what he'd said earlier. Shortly after arriving and setting his stuff down, I was soon pushed up against the hallway closet door. He unfastened my jeans and pulled them down and briskly spanked me with his hand. "Do you know where you want to go yet?" he asked. Of course I didn't! Why do tops think I could answer a question better when I'm under duress that I couldn't answer it in the first place?

He pulled my panties down and told me not to move. He went in the other room to retrieve his leather strap and 3 strand delrin cane from his bag. Thanks a lot, Cane-iac! He returned and proceeded to spank me with the leather strap. That one makes a LOT of noise. No wonder my neighbors don't make eye contact with me...

I was already squirming, but had I decided yet? No. "And this isn't helping!" I told him. He switched to the delrin cane and continued to redden my bottom. My oww's and aah's weren't slowing him down. "Fine!" I named a restaurant. He agreed that it sounded fine so after putting myself back together, we continued on our way to dinner.

The moral of this story is that top logic is, and always will be, ridiculous. It doesn't work. Yes, I made the decision, but not because he spanked it out of me. I'm a nice person and mindful of other people's schedules. I simply didn't want the whole night to pass by and both of us to starve. I'm very courteous. Yes, that is why. Be quiet.

My So-Called Life

I'm going to tell you a little secret. My life is somewhat boring. Depressing, even, as of late. This blog covers many of the highlights. Great friends, fun memories, many spankings. I wish it was like that all of the time. But whose life is? Certainly not mine. If you didn't already gather this, I'm feeling emo and ranty today. You may want to skip this one if you're anti-whining. Later in the week I'll hopefully have more upbeat spanking related material to share.

On the outside, I think I seem like I'm fine to people. I guess that's a good thing. My recent vacation couldn't have come soon enough. That was at least a nice break so I didn't start falling apart in front of everyone. My day to day life is still mostly the same routine. Go to work. Come home. Have dinner. Watch Days of our Lives. Get on the computer. Hey, I told you it was boring. But now there is nobody at home to talk to when I get there.

It's those little things that have been the hardest. I don't want to reconcile with J. That isn't an option and we both know that. I consider myself to be a pretty independent person. I like my space and alone time. I don't think I was ever very clingy in my relationships. I'm content doing my own thing. But sometimes I wish there was someone there just in those certain moments. Someone to vent to after a crappy day. Someone to joke with about that funny thing that happened earlier who will get it. That phone call at the end of the day asking if I want my usual for dinner.

I feel a bit lost, like the puzzle pieces of my life are scattered all over the place and I'm unsure of how to put it back together. A close friend of mine told me, "Losing a partner is like an amputation. You will never forget the feeling of that "limb", even if it's necessary to remove it." I've kept myself so busy the last few months, maybe I haven't given myself a chance to properly mourn and then move on from it.

Living alone has been more of an adjustment than I thought it would be. There are definitely pros and cons. I can keep the thermostat at 75 year round without anyone complaining it's too hot. The TV is always on the proper input when I turn it on, not left to some game system I don't know how to switch off. Nobody tries to come in and use the bathroom while I'm in the shower. My Netflix recommendations no longer include all the RoboCop movies.

The downside? The dishes are there day after day after day. Damn things don't seem to do themselves. I don't know how to fix things. The toilet has been running for 4 days. My printer is out of ink. I'm not sure how to restart my modem if the internet lags. I sleep like shit. I used to get annoyed waking up to a leg on my side of the bed, but I've slept consistently worse without anybody next to me.

The idea of dating in the future is terrifying. It's too soon to really worry about any of that, but it seems it'd be much easier to just write it all off and decide to be alone forever than to deal with it. Because I'm such a great catch anyway, being taller than just about every guy I know and having a strange obsession with Peeps. And you thought TTWD was my biggest oddity. A friend recently told me that someone had been flirting with me when we'd all been talking and I totally didn't pick up on that. I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't been single since I was 17.

I'm not meaning for all my whining to discount the support I've received from family and friends lately. I truly appreciate that. To all who have made me laugh, let me cry and vent, and invited me out to do something so I didn't spend the night alone moping, thank you. It means a lot to me. This weekend will be a busy one with a play party and then seeing family on Mother's Day. I'll hopefully have a more entertaining post up on Sunday. Thank you for listening.

#$%* Bruce Springsteen!

Bruce Springsteen got me spanked! Let's start at the beginning. Last week, I met with my friend S for a spanking. I was lying out on the bed and he was spanking me with his hand and then the leather paddle. He was slowly making his way through my collection of implements.

I don't remember what even brought it up at first. I'd said something about seeing Bruce Springsteen on a late night talk show when I was on the plane coming home from my recent trip. I couldn't believe he was doing another tour. I mean, come on. Who are the sponsors? Lipitor and Viagra? Retire already!

I don't think S is even a Springsteen fan but was just trying to be disagreeable. He's a top, after all. That's what they do. He started to spank me harder and said I was being rude towards Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. Can't forget them. He switched to a wooden paddle and I was really squirming.

He said that he would stop whenever I said "Bruce Springsteen brought sexy back," referencing a song by one of my favorite artists, Justin Timberlake. I just rolled my eyes because there was no way I was going to say that. Justin brought sexy back, not Bruce, and everyone knows it!

He continued to spank me with the wooden paddle and then the bathbrush. It was pretty hard, I don't think I've struggled so much during a spanking in quite some time. I was squirming all over the place, kicking my legs up to try to block the swats, attempting to roll over on my side.

He solved that issue by leaning into me and wrapping his arm around my waist to keep me in place. That mostly immobilized me, aside from a few kicks of the legs. My bottom was really stinging and I was guessing it was already marked. Am I really going to have to say it? Dammit! This is ridiculous! I resisted a few times but he persisted, not letting up with the paddle.

"Okay, okay. Fine!" I said. He paused with the paddle. "Do you have something to say?" he asked. "Yes!" I let out a purposefully loud sigh. "Bruce Springsteen brought sexy back." I waited for lightning to strike me, but it didn't. That concluded the scene. A silly one, but I had the marks to show for it. Stupid wooden things.

This past week on American Idol, the guest/mentor of the week was Little Steven Van Zandt. He's the singer/guitarist from the E Street Band who wears the bandana. I laughed when I was watching the episode at that being the second Springsteen related reference in one week. And that is my tale of how Bruce Springsteen got me spanked.

Dammit, I've had Born In The USA stuck in my head since I started writing this.

The Truth About Cats And Dogs

Thank you to my friend R who inspired this post with her comment about how tops, like cats, want attention and may be distracted by a ball of yarn. Has anyone else noticed the similarities between cats and tops? And also dogs and bottoms? Let's take a more in-depth look at this.

Cats And Tops

Cats try to be the Mastermind

They are very grumpy when woken up

They have terrible typing skills

 

They are always giving you The Look

They like to lull you into a false sense of security

But they are always watching and waiting

It is possible to distract them. Ooh, something shiny!

At the end of the day, they want your attention. And they will smack you to get it.

Any of this sound familiar?

Dogs And Bottoms

Dogs are always innocent

They always have their friend's back

They can get rowdy in a crowd

They are loyal and loving

They give you presents

They are very good with computers

They just want to watch Days of our Lives in peace

Whatever happened, it's not their fault!

Is it possible to coexist?

We can try!