On the outside, I think I seem like I'm fine to people. I guess that's a good thing. My recent vacation couldn't have come soon enough. That was at least a nice break so I didn't start falling apart in front of everyone. My day to day life is still mostly the same routine. Go to work. Come home. Have dinner. Watch Days of our Lives. Get on the computer. Hey, I told you it was boring. But now there is nobody at home to talk to when I get there.
It's those little things that have been the hardest. I don't want to reconcile with J. That isn't an option and we both know that. I consider myself to be a pretty independent person. I like my space and alone time. I don't think I was ever very clingy in my relationships. I'm content doing my own thing. But sometimes I wish there was someone there just in those certain moments. Someone to vent to after a crappy day. Someone to joke with about that funny thing that happened earlier who will get it. That phone call at the end of the day asking if I want my usual for dinner.
Living alone has been more of an adjustment than I thought it would be. There are definitely pros and cons. I can keep the thermostat at 75 year round without anyone complaining it's too hot. The TV is always on the proper input when I turn it on, not left to some game system I don't know how to switch off. Nobody tries to come in and use the bathroom while I'm in the shower. My Netflix recommendations no longer include all the RoboCop movies.
The downside? The dishes are there day after day after day. Damn things don't seem to do themselves. I don't know how to fix things. The toilet has been running for 4 days. My printer is out of ink. I'm not sure how to restart my modem if the internet lags. I sleep like shit. I used to get annoyed waking up to a leg on my side of the bed, but I've slept consistently worse without anybody next to me.
The idea of dating in the future is terrifying. It's too soon to really worry about any of that, but it seems it'd be much easier to just write it all off and decide to be alone forever than to deal with it. Because I'm such a great catch anyway, being taller than just about every guy I know and having a strange obsession with Peeps. And you thought TTWD was my biggest oddity. A friend recently told me that someone had been flirting with me when we'd all been talking and I totally didn't pick up on that. I don't know what I'm doing. I haven't been single since I was 17.
I'm not meaning for all my whining to discount the support I've received from family and friends lately. I truly appreciate that. To all who have made me laugh, let me cry and vent, and invited me out to do something so I didn't spend the night alone moping, thank you. It means a lot to me. This weekend will be a busy one with a play party and then seeing family on Mother's Day. I'll hopefully have a more entertaining post up on Sunday. Thank you for listening.
17 comments:
I think you're going to meet someone online. I really do. And that's going to alleviate that dating/flirting pressure because you can get to know him through your words first. And you are very very good with words. :)
Lea,
You are a beautiful, kind, sweet, intelligent and witty young lady with a terrific sense of humor. And, you have lots of friends from everywhere in the USA.
One of our mutual friends made the same observations about you at the weekend, so it is not just me.
Hope you have fun at the play party.
Big Hug,
joey
I'm sure things will work out, no-one that funny will be alone for long :-)
Ah, sweetie. You don't have to entertain us. You're you, which is why we come here. We like you.
Mourning is a tricky process. You think you're over it, then it rears back up and bites you when you least expect it. You get so sick of all the damn feelings and wish they'd go away, but unfortunately, feelings and memories don't come with expiration dates.
So you move through your days and you survive. You grab your bits of joy where you can. And time does its (maddeningly slow) healing job.
By the way... unless one is the POTUS or an international celebrity, day-to-day life is mundane for most of us. Really. We ALL blog about our exciting moments. I blog on Monday, after playing with ST. I don't blog on Thursday when I'm doing laundry and going to the bank.
Lea,
There's not an ounce of whining here. Real life sucks rocks sometimes and you sure don't need to only blog about the fun stuff. I know you and I have a different readership in general but both look equally supportive. I'll second what Erica said. You don't need to entertain us. Hang in there and do let yourself begin to mourn. When it all feels like crap, go ahead and tell us about it. If nothing else, someone will say something that will make you smile and on some days a single smile inside is a precious thing.
You are getting great advice here, so there's not much more I can add. Take it easy on yourself (the opposite of this is a Top's job, right?) I believe wholeheartedly that love will find you again, when you are ready...because you are awesome.
Feel free to check in via text when you have the lonesomes. I'm always happy to hear from you!
--Regan
Hi Lea. I can only comment on how I see things and as you know I am new to this but just going back on you’re older post and comments it is obvious you have some nice friends in blog land that care for you. As someone once told me life’s short but it’s the longest thing we will ever do. So live life to the full, emotions can bring a load of pain and every time something shoves a load of shit in your way pick it up stick it in the bin and carry on. If you are always looking at the sun the shadow is always cast behind you.
BOB B
Hang in there Lea. Your posts about your day to day life, with its joys and sorrows, are as interesting as your posts about spanking because they are about you and we care about how you're doing.
Take care of yourself.
As someone else who is single and lives alone, I hear you. I really hear you about the dumb dishes that don't do themselves and all the little maintenance stuff that gets ignored. At least you are taking the time to process things instead of just jumping into the next relationship to make everything else go away. A friend of mine started asking people out...not because she actually liked them, but just because she didn't want to be alone. Not a great idea. Use this time to be okay with who you are and what you're going through. It's tough. It will suck. And then, sometime (maybe after a lot of Peeps), it will start to get a tiny bit better.
*hugs Lea*
I just want to remind you... Other peoples lives suck too at times, not just yours. Keep your head up, you're a great person to be with (except waiting for a UPS delivery without option to play ;) )
Lea, I went through this exact thing. It sucks, but it WILL get better. I promise, I promise!! While it's happening, it seems like FOREVER, and as if it will NEVER dissipate. Please know - in 5 years, you will not be in this place any longer.
Just keep walking forward, even if on some days you stay in one place or even take a backstep. Overall, you will be consistently moving at a forward pace.
Feel free to contact me if you need. I totally get it. I DO.
sarah
I think this is such an excellent post in so many ways and not at all whiny or emo.
I think writing about how your life is a regular life is vital. Blogging is a unique art form- it is finding the meaning in the daily grind and sharing it with others. You are truthful and as such, you are an inspiration to so many and I include myself in this.
And the mourning, I understand that too and reading the way you described it really helped me. I am sorry you hurt and I wish you didn't but the way you shared it is perfect.
I wish I could send you a bubble bath and a really great glass of wine because there is a gentle comfort in that.
This is an astounding post, an understated and gentle description of how it feels to be at the stage you are at. Thank you for writing it- it helps.
And you are not alone, you cannot be with the skill you have of connecting with others.
Poppy
xx
xxxx
@Emen, I suppose it's possible. Maybe they are reading this very blog right now. ;-) Thank you for commenting.
@joey, Thank you for your kind words, as always. I'm happy to count you as a friend.
@wordsmith, Thanks for the compliment. ;-)
@Erica, Thank you. But I bet you could make a story of going to the bank interesting. Lol.
@Susie, Smiles are important. Thank you for commenting.
@Regan, Thank you. And yes, tops are hard on me already. If I didn't know that meant they like me, I'd develop a complex. ;-)
@Bob, Thank you for commenting. I do have a lot of nice friends.
@Sublime Wifey, Thank you. I'll try to keep it diverse.
@governingana, Aww you've read enough to make a Peeps reference. ;-) Thank you.
@Urs, The majority vote seems to be that 2012 kind of sucks overall for people for different reasons. But friends make it better and stick around to wait for UPS with you. ;-)
@sarah, Thank you for your advice and support. I really appreciate it.
@Poppy, Thank you for your kind words. A bubble bath and glass of wine sounds like a brilliant idea.
OMG, Lea! I know that Utah has a short spring and summer, but it is fall in Utah already? *giggles* Or is that just wishful thinking on your part?
Peeps are awesome. :) And the kind of support that you obviously have here is even more awesome.
@bree, It's wishful thinking. Fall is so pretty. Wishing it was October already.
@Ana, They are awesome. The Peeps and my friends here. ;-)
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